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My 47Y/O Female wife

NAS73364

Just wondered as I feel so lost currently, in my home I have 3 sons 20/19/14 all are Autistic/ADHD but 20YO not had formal diagnosis. Around 11 years ago when my 19 YO was diagnosed I started to see similarities in my wife’s behaviour, I brought this up with GP as she was always a bit insecure and nervous and struggled a little with illness, when Covid hit and she started Perimenopause she became fixated on illness, she’d been put on antidepressants 20 years ago but suddenly she was blaming everything on side effects of different tablets and withdrawals.

What is especially difficult as she was diagnosed ASD/ADHD 6 months ago and for 5 years it’s been spells shutdown in bed, she has got to be in control so chooses her own medication, orders antibiotics because she believes she is ill, stockpiling them next to her bed. She threatens to end herself if I don’t listen, Police got called by our kids scared of her meltdown and they said it was coercive control but I didn’t press charges as she’s not doing it on purpose. Sorry if this is too long but GP’s and Psychiatrist will only listen to her and I’m exhausted.

Parents

  • She has every right to be in control of her own medication and illness - if anything perhaps she has hypercondria and hopefully she’s taking some medical advice for this or you have asked the doctor about this. Not sure how she gets hold of antibiotics without a GP. I really can’t imagine the police saying that someone threatening to kill themselves was coercive control (unless you’re missing a lot more detail in this story) they would be opening themselves up to prosecution making statements like that especially if she actually does. If she needs to go to bed she’s likely suffering from burnout and not being understood. 

  • in reply to InterTrails

    She has every right to be in control of her own medication? So she should be able to order prescription meds from Superdrug online or when she demands antidepressants but won’t take it at the dosage given to her by the gp. She’s had loads of support from all sides but is so focused on symptoms.

  • in reply to NAS73364

    Also correctly this behaviour has been going on 5 years so of course this isn’t isolated incident, she gets antibiotics because she describes symptoms of an infection and they give her them.

  • in reply to InterTrails

    At the moment there seems to be no downside to her behaviour, as in no consequences .

    She needs to regulate herself first.

    If she can't or won't then this is not solvable. You can't regulate other people, it leads to  hyper vigilance, burnout, dysfunction (dependency) and trauma if not careful (as I know).

  • in reply to InterTrails

    I would still try the doctor together and give it time to see if she will work with you now she has the diagnosis and explores everything including your relationship together. Personally I think it would be better for your kids to see you both working together to create a solution…. If she won’t engage then there’s not much you can do after that. Talking to your counsellor friend hopefully will help think of a way to communicate with her in which she will work with you 

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  • in reply to InterTrails

    I would still try the doctor together and give it time to see if she will work with you now she has the diagnosis and explores everything including your relationship together. Personally I think it would be better for your kids to see you both working together to create a solution…. If she won’t engage then there’s not much you can do after that. Talking to your counsellor friend hopefully will help think of a way to communicate with her in which she will work with you 

Children
  • in reply to InterTrails

    At the moment there seems to be no downside to her behaviour, as in no consequences .

    She needs to regulate herself first.

    If she can't or won't then this is not solvable. You can't regulate other people, it leads to  hyper vigilance, burnout, dysfunction (dependency) and trauma if not careful (as I know).