Intentional misunderstanding?

JAX43 said:

I wondered why councelling didn't work before. They should know that i need help as an autistic person

Many counsellors and some therapists have not got this knowledge - the field of autism therapy is a relatively new one with little training available for those giving the therapy so many still simply have not realised there is a need for this adaptation for you, especially as autists who get ineffective treatment are often too shy to complain.

You may suggest they read up on the subject - one link that does explain it is:

https://neurolaunch.com/cbt-doesnt-work-for-autism/

I'm not a fan of the site in general as it looks AI generated but it does have all the info in one place.

 Iain Iain thankyou! I wondered why councelling didn't work before. They should know that i need help as an autistic person but i will bring your point to their attention.

JAX43 said:

i have my first CBT session starting this morning

Please be sure to ask if the CBT has been adapted to work for autists as the default approach for CBT is famously ineffective for many autists, but with a few adaptations it works very well.

 Iain Thankyou! It just so happens that i have my first CBT session starting this morning so i will ask.

 kiwipip  yes that is what happened but the cafe where i was the customer is within an art gallery where i am a volunteer ( the cafe is run by a different company to the gallery though so my manager couldn't reprimand the waitress). Thanks for your feedback, it has really helped me.

Thanks Ma.ra. that makes sense.

JAX43 said:

I think i will just take my own food and drink in now so that i don't have to go through the whole rigmoral of trying to get clarity from a woman who can't multi task or try to understand someones communication differences.

I've been there myself but this is just hiding from the issue.

For me the solution was to stop seeing it as confrontation to run from (since the other person is never likely to change) but to learn how to deal with them so I can co-exist, do my job and not get wound up by their style.

More recently in life I also was trained by my therapist on how to stop caring about what other people think when it is beneficial - this ability to "let go" of the nastiness of some peoples interactions is a great thing to be able to do so if you use a therapist I would recommend talking about how it works.

Not needing to run and hide brings self confidence and empowerment - very positive benefits.

 Bananatropics26  thankyou, it feels good to feel supported and understood.

 Iain 

 Christine20 That's a good idea, i will try. Thankyou.x

Negative interactions with people are really tough. I understand how this has upset you and made you want to avoid going there - with the possibility of having to face any repetition of the bad experience. For all we know, the waitress may have been feeling hugely stressed that day, and could afterwards have regretted the way she mishandled things. Don't know...

What could be a solution, however, is to find a way to continue using the cafe - and feel safe and comfortable doing so. You mentioned in a later response that your gallery colleagues are supportive. Might it be a good idea to ask one of them to come with you next time to ease you back in with the security of a friend being present? - and who may also be able to answer questions that you'd have previously directed at staff? Just an idea. So hope it gets resolved. 

Just treat her like crap like she did to you. That's what I would do anyway I don't take crap off of anybody. I'll tell her to go and f her self if she treated me like that. Also complain about her too. Don't take that treatment from anyone ever again!

Thankyou, that does help alot. Just to clarify - i volunteer at a gallery ( who have my back) but at break times i sit in the cafe where we get a free drink and discount on food and that is where it happened. I think i will just take my own food and drink in now so that i don't have to go through the whole rigmoral of trying to get clarity from a woman who can't multi task or try to understand someones communication differences.

I do try and leearn from situations, but I can't change other people, I can only change myself and sometimes that means removing myself from the arena of conflift.

TheCatWoman said:

I don't think I'd want to work there anymore either, especially if I was volunteering. Some might see walking away as a cop out, but I don't see the point in sticking around so as I can get more hassle, its not good for anyone.

I tend to use the philosophy that "those who do not learn from the lessons of the past are doomed to relive them". If you cannot work out how to stop the problems happening then they will just follow you wherever you go.

I fell prey to this issue in my early career but quickly learned the survival technique of not being a pain to those I work with. When I have a question I think "have I asked this question before" and if so, could I remember the answer or see how to answer it myself. This is a form ot taking the initiative as an autist but as an NT this is considered basic learning and I think it is why people get annoyed at having to constantly answer the same questions when we should have absorbed the previous answer.

It isn't for every situation. Some you need specific data for (eg which table is this order for) and this is fine to ask, but most of it you are capable of working out from experience and reasoning.

It makes the difference from being a drag on your colleagues to a boon to the company.

I don't think I'd want to work there anymore either, especially if I was volunteering. Some might see walking away as a cop out, but I don't see the point in sticking around so as I can get more hassle, its not good for anyone.

HelloJAX43 !

I was wondering if there are any other volunteers in the team at the moment.

I’m asking because once, at the place where I volunteer, a girl yelled at me and it really threw me off. I talked it through with the other volunteers afterward — both about what happened and about understanding her personality and background — and they helped me a lot. Thanks to that, I found the courage to come back and continue volunteering. Honestly, I freaked out at first and thought I’d never return, even though she didn’t even remember the incident later on.

Changing workplaces is really hard for me, but going through that experience actually brought me closer to the others — we became more like work buddies. I really hope things will be okay now, and I’m sorry you had to experience this too.

I had a confrontational situation (not in work) one which i didn’t repsond to I just steadily explained myself to the hostile party. I wrote a message to the management and explained how it made me feel and that I have anxiety and they replied that will make sure they send a general message to all members of staff to up keeping an eye on this and they did… everything was resolved and I felt reassured. Sometimes it’s better not to react at the time and explain more calmly later on. I think given your situation with the other people around the table the will have likely offered you a voucher for another meal and a dessert and an apology.

Oh you work there sorry I thought you were at a restaurant and the waitress was being rude to you in front of customers and when you tried to explain she escalated the situation. 

I hate the way any complaint is seen as hostility and questions are someone being a pain in the bum. I get that the waitress was busy, but thats no excuse for rudeness like that. Just because you're a volunteer and maybe she is too is no excuse and I totally understand why you feel that you don't want to work there anymore. I'd talk with management and see if you can get some resolution with this issue