Intentional misunderstanding?

I would ask if you would consider a different way of looking at the situation. 

You have engaged in a social interaction and it has gone badly. Would you consider looking at it to learn what went wrong, how you could do it better and grow through the experience?

Expecting others to adapt to our preferred ways of communicating is unlikely to work in the real world so it is more effective where we can be the ones making the change to understand and learn how to interact. It isn't an ideal world and I really think this is about as good as we can get from it.

It sounds like the staff are getting tired of you asking so many questions. They are expecting you to work out the things for yourself much more and keep the questions to a minimum so start making a note of what you are about to ask, work out how you could answer it yourself and if this is possible, do it.

There will always be some questions such as "which plate is for table 4" then you work out who at the table it is for when you get there by asking them "who ordered the mushroom risotto?".

When you were accused of shouting at her did you actually have your voice raised because of the loud coffee machine? It is probably worth speaking in your normal volume to start with as many NTs are able to understand even with other loud sources of noise nearby.

Avoiding her is never going to resolve the situation or help you stop it from happening somewhere else. Finding the cause of the issue and resolving it will. If this is your communication style then you now know what you need to do to work there with less friction so can decide if it is worth the effort.

All this is just my opinion of course so feel free to discard it if you want.

I would ask if you would consider a different way of looking at the situation. 

You have engaged in a social interaction and it has gone badly. Would you consider looking at it to learn what went wrong, how you could do it better and grow through the experience?

Expecting others to adapt to our preferred ways of communicating is unlikely to work in the real world so it is more effective where we can be the ones making the change to understand and learn how to interact. It isn't an ideal world and I really think this is about as good as we can get from it.

It sounds like the staff are getting tired of you asking so many questions. They are expecting you to work out the things for yourself much more and keep the questions to a minimum so start making a note of what you are about to ask, work out how you could answer it yourself and if this is possible, do it.

There will always be some questions such as "which plate is for table 4" then you work out who at the table it is for when you get there by asking them "who ordered the mushroom risotto?".

When you were accused of shouting at her did you actually have your voice raised because of the loud coffee machine? It is probably worth speaking in your normal volume to start with as many NTs are able to understand even with other loud sources of noise nearby.

Avoiding her is never going to resolve the situation or help you stop it from happening somewhere else. Finding the cause of the issue and resolving it will. If this is your communication style then you now know what you need to do to work there with less friction so can decide if it is worth the effort.

All this is just my opinion of course so feel free to discard it if you want.

Thankyou, that does help alot. Just to clarify - i volunteer at a gallery ( who have my back) but at break times i sit in the cafe where we get a free drink and discount on food and that is where it happened. I think i will just take my own food and drink in now so that i don't have to go through the whole rigmoral of trying to get clarity from a woman who can't multi task or try to understand someones communication differences.

Preach this.