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Disassociating & feeling numb

Reddragon84

I feel numb, I feel nothing - Its Christmas Eve and for the first time ever I feel NOTHING but numbness - thanks to my therapist yesterday I now know that Ive been "disassociating" badly - and have been for 2 months now - a mixture of overwhelming stress and still grieving my Dog - I feel indifferent to everything - It keeps making me feel that nobody else is "real" - I keep going driving on my own and "zoning out"  Did I hit anybody? Did I go through red lights? - Ive been on "auto pilot" since before Halloween - My therapist told me that Ive actually "checked out" from reality through overwhelming stress & grief that my Autistic brain cant cope with. - in town yesterday nobody felt "real", I felt I was walking among thousands of "ghosts" - Therapist said disassociation either feels like your surroundings arent "real" or that other people arent "real" or a mixture of both. For 2 months now Ive felt like this - I need to get "back" somehow. :/

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you.  I hope you & your family have a very Merry Christmas x

  • I disassociated during my assessment. The stress just got too much for me and it was like someone kicked my reset button and I restarted in Windows safe mode with all the emotional turmoil just wiped away like clearing out RAM. (Sorry for all the computer similies). 

    As mine wasn't triggered by something as major as yours, I didn't stay like that for long. I was still trying to talk through the assessment even though I was only half there, but then he hadn't heard of Studio Ghibli, and that startled me out of it as I had to explain. Talking about special interests are often when we feel most alive.

    But I can see yours was your 4 legged friend and that is painful. You might need your grief to come out? Can you look at grief recommendations? (doesn't matter that it is a canine friend rather than human, the grief is real)

    And don't punish yourself for comparing this Christmas to other ones. Allow yourself to acknowledge this one is different, light a candle/ write a eulogy/create a photo board, what ever you need to and remember your best times, as that was real.

  • in reply to Reddragon84

    I have had it before where you feel totally nothing. It is very strange. 

    I wondered what it meant. I can't say i worried, because I couldn't feel that, it was just intellectual curiosity. No anxiety, no fear, no happiness, no desires. As I put in your other thread, I thought maybe I had broken my brain as it happened after I pushed It too hard. It does pass though, so you are not broken.

    Merry Christmas.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you.

    I will be seeing my therapist again in a few weeks, she says she will be doing "Brain rewind therapy" she says she'll get "in my mind" & get me out of the disassociation Im in, if I cant get out of it naturally. I usually love Christmas - Im 41 but more like 41 going on 14  - I cant believe I feel nothing today - normally Id be feeling festive & getting into the spirit of things - and I feel nothing, I wish I could "feel" something.

    Merry Christmas Stuart333

  • Your therapist has already identified the issue, too much stress; your nervous system is overloaded so it has turned down the dial, which is why you felt removed from what is happening. It is a protective thing, like a sort of fuse or circuit breaker. You may be getting close to or be starting burnout (this is when I have it).

    If you could push reset it will pop out again.

    Walking round around town a Christmas is not low stimulation either. There are a lot of people, lights, music, etc.

    So, what do you do?

    You need to put less load on your nervous system and it will become back. It may take a while, or be quick, to lower it enough to allow the dual to be turned up.

    It is all the normal stuff:

    • reduce or stop stimulants, caffeine, alcohol, etc.
    • try to sleep properly, have a routine, go to bed anf get up at the same time
    • eat properly, less sugar, fewer carbs and not too much fat 
    • drink enough and get hydrated
    • light exercise
    • relaxation techniques 
    • things that reduce stress, like black chocolate, tea, etc.
    • journalling to clarify your thoughts and externalise them
    • allow yourself to process the grief, it will come in waves, but try to limit it and not dwell on it for long periods, small doses and will get gradually become less intense 
    • take a break if you can, to remove pressure, or if removing structure would be worse (it is for me), keep a routine but lower your output. Don't force yourself to do as much. If you work you may have to ask them for done allowance
    • knowing what is happening also helps, which you now do. Worrying about the unknown is not so helpful 
    • grounding techniques may help:  name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. It will involves all senses and helps bring you into the present.