Nightly nightmares

I must admit I slept much better in th night and woke up without the panicky or tacky feeling, plus didn’t get disturbed in the night so maybe talking about it on here has helped. 

I seem to be struggling with the flashbacks of how my mum went from loving and caring to this horrible cold hearted witch due to her sister when I needed my mums love the most. Also struggling with how my dad torments me and doesn’t care or he does things that he knows I hate and can send me into meltdowns. I mean for years I’ve told him to stop and he won’t and now my brain just can’t seem to cope anymore. Like it’s as if life continues but I encounter more distressing things to add to my traumatised brain and each day I live I have more traumas to deal with compared to years ago.

Im seeing my psychologist on the 20th I think so I’ll explain all this to her. It’s like I’m just that tense that I can’t relax because my brain is overflowing with all these traumas. 

Your dreams can be where you brain is processing the days information, or playing with it to prepare for the future. If you are spending time in the day writing out bad things it may not be ready to have happy dreams.

The other possibility is as you unlock certain things by writing or in sessions, it may allow certain ideas or concepts to come out for processing that were suppressed before. It may be the actual event, it using metaphors. You can also read too much into them and they might just be random.

I seldom dream, but they are almost always related to things that bother me.

You dream during REM sleep. Drinking alcohol interferes with this. If you don't have deep sleep you avoid dreams, but you are also tired because you don't rest properly.

Phased said:

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“Yes, the stress from masking and fawning created neuroplastic changes in my brain and body, but in ways that weren’t helpful or healthy. That’s what I meant by imprint.

“Thanks — I’m still kind of hovering, not sure if it’s safe to land yet. I’m at a point in my journey where I’m really starting to understand how traumatic everything has been, I think it’s me trying to regulate everything instead of suppressing it, fawn is extremely painful and to the other person they love it how we are and think we are fine but really just in silent distress so I need to try and drop that mask or something 

I imagine you are talking figuratively about the imprints on your body Chris  In which case I get how that physical "mask" is and how we shape ourself in response to other peoples actions and reactions.

If actual physical imprints from physical contact that's out of my league to understand.

I did a lot of martial arts/ chinese yoga (qigong) I found it helped me physically re-integrate with myself although one has to be a bit careful as it can be like replacing one mask with another - not "finding yourself" if you get my drift.  Took a long while but now I can admit myself a bit more fully into my own body if that makes sense.

That blowing up of the world seems a bit like completely destroying one's world view from a lofty perspective to me.  I really hope that you metaphorically landed safely!

Wow that’s sounds like a scene from a Simpsons treehouse of horror episode. Homer and Bart were on a rocket escaping the y2k glitch thingy, and they were going to orbit the sun or something. 

I started having a dream about the world blowing up I was sat on a plane and I felt the feeling of everything ending, but I think it’s more to do with wiping the imprints NTs left on my body so I can become myself which is the hardest part

I will definitely mention this to my psychologist, I did let her know in an email about my nightmares and sensations etc. I also have had moments when in my dreams I realise I’m dreaming but I can’t wake myself up. Also I’ve had dreams of being in my bed but I can’t move because I’m so weak or dying then next thing is I’m awake and panicking like crazy. 

maybe tell her about your dreams too if you haven't already Elfilis 

it's all a bit Freudian Psychoanalysis I think but hey you mentioned them to us :-)

In respect of "controlling our dreams" many years ago I went through a course out of a book that resulted in me being somewhat able to control my own dreams.  It is called "lucid dreaming" I had fun with it trying to open doors in dreams when I came upon them.  Eventually had a fab time flying about in them

Haven't done so for a while now however I do make a point of "watching" and making a comment to myself about them "in them" when I have them now when I get a chance.  Helps me work out a bit more what's going on in my subconscious (hehe well I think so anyway!)

Hehe might explain a few things about my own special weirdness!

Aww I didn’t know they have paw patrol ones, wonder if they have SpongeBob ones! I just got a £10 thing off eBay but I’m probably in need of a new one. Good quality ones seem to go for about £38 but they are the proper Buddha brands I think. 

That's actually an amazing kind of therapy I think, writing your feeling on it. I might give it a try as I'm scared of writing things down in case it's read (probably going back to being 6 and my older brother prising my diary open and finding out who I liked, why is everything some sort of trauma). I might try it, though I will have to get a new board. We still have the old one, but it's Paw Patrol themed, so that would put me off a bit!

Ahh it’s ok I respect your opinion and trying to help me so I’m very grateful! I’m actually seeing a psychologist one a month, but I have been doing a lot of detailed notes for her so she can understand me better and understand my “hot spot triggers” but I seem to have a lot of them. I do agree that the CPTSD is no doubt the source of this and of course the autism doesn’t help either. As I said my mind is clearly very jumbled up right now. If only we could control our dreams somehow haha

Elfilis said:

I’m really struggling lately due to having such horrible nightmares!

Elfilis said:

I am really struggling with my EUPD, CPTSD and BDD again lately,

I think your cPTSD is probably the source of the issues from what you describe in different posts here - previous traumas have not been sufficiently resolved to allow you to move past them.

The anxiety stemming from this is most likely making your EUPD and BDD flare up.

To move past this you really need a good therapist who can help you unpack those traumas, come to terms with the pain it is causing you and start the healing process.

That would be my thoughts on the situation, but I'm just a random off the internet so don't take this as medical advice please

Aww that is so sweet. I would draw random things like shapes or mountains etc and watching them fade was so satisfying, I would even write words related to how I feel and watching them fade, I suppose that what the purpose of those boards were for

Well I am really struggling with my EUPD, CPTSD and BDD again lately, and this former worker who manipulated me has been vivid in my mind lately with all his gaslighting. I just constantly feel less than now and I can’t seem to snap out of it. I don’t even know who I really am anymore. 

Are you stressed about something at the moment, more than normal?

Oh, I got one when my kids were young, they are a lot of fun drawing and then watching it fade! (You can tell I enjoyed it just as much!) 

hmmm... what they call "executive disfunction".   It was my "educated" guess that it could be the interpretation.

Maybe you don't have to guess Elfilis about whether my suggestion is right or wrong.

If all the clues are there it is possible to be reasonably sure of yes or no until over evidence come to light to change one's interpretation of things?

Maybe give a percentage as to how much you believe something to be true?  The see if evidence comes up to change that percentage.

PS you don't have to tell me or anyone else - letting yourself know might reduce the turmoil - ironically even if it is 50/50!

I think I’ll have a go of that later. I have a few apps on my phone I can doodle on or draw squiggles etc. I didn’t know that’s a form of stimming either. My mum has my water doodle board at hers so I can ask her to bring that over. You can literally dip a brush in water and draw or make random patterns on it and watch the things fade, quite soothing. 

I guess I could see it like that. Either way my brain is clearly in turmoil at the moment and it can’t seem to process that well. 

Ever considered the possibility that the pain and birth complications are about being "reborn" as one's autistic self from being broadly treated badly by neurotypical society maybe?

Maybe considering an interpretation like that might help?