Has your autisticness changed over the years?

I think thats a trait that some autists can get too, not in the same way or always over the same thngs as NT's, but I know some autists can get very upset if you differ from them or do things differently, "The Right Way" to do something seems to be universally human, we just disagree over what "The Right Way" is.

I agree..they think things can only be done their way and that their way is right. When there are so many other ways that are often better to get the same result, and u can't explain as they aren't interested

I find NTs (generally) have rigid rules of conformity and are ultra sensitive not to the stupidity of cruelty, but whether someone 'fits in'.

I don't have diagnosis but even the knowledge I have now helps me be a bit less harsh on myself. I know I felt it all along that im do much different and I even mourned my lost youth, now im more in peace with myself.

Thank you Iain, that's interesting and it confirms my suspicions. 

This is so where I am when I look back at work. i realise now I wasnt failing, people were pushing me (my buttons) to some extent also.

I definately feel too internal sometimes to the extent I can barely stay awake. For me to explain whats going on inside sometimes would take an enourmous amount of energy to say, compared to others. Typing is ok as an activity.

But i'd say also since being diagnosis my blame has shifted away from myself. I notice a lot more sharky people now, people looking at me like smirky children looking for acknowlegment - I'm guessing these are NT folk. So my self awareness seems to have alerted others more to who I am.

I remember working hard to be like others (in my twenties) and I failed and also felt like I don't know who I am anymore and that I have no personality. Then I started missing my old real self from my childhood but I knew I can't be myself again because I was defective - profoundly different,  I used to think that I'm incompatible with the world and because of it I didn't deserve to live. That was my deepest crisis. And there was no one for me there. Then I was told I have to be interested in fashion to find friends.  I took it as a promise- if fashion is my hobby, then I will find friends,  but it failed. Then I decided I have defective personality and it has nothing to do with my appearance (which is average, nothing special and nothing bad). I was very disappointed if not having friends despite trying to get into fashion. I must admit I used to force myself to it. I couldn't understand how someone can get interested with something just like that when it's not interesting at all I also couldn't understand what was all that about and why my peers were so excited about it. 

I stopped the masquerade and left the fashion. Tried to get back to my old special interest,  but unfortunately it wasn't that great and enjoyable anymore. I had some existential crisis back then. Without special intrest my life feels empty and pointless. I think I'm still tge same person, I didn't change much. I still hear there is something going on with me and my family tells me I'm just me like always. So maybe my changes were just internal, but not really external. I'm just me.

No, because, like Mussolini, "I am always right!" A joke. 

I wasn't wanting to get partisan etiher, I'm just interested in the differences between us latelings and those who were diagnosed young. I like to think I would be recognised and sent for assessment these days, but I don't know. I guess it depends on luck, environment, your parents economic background and your local authority. Many don't seem to have enough provision or rather can't afford it and then there's all those who think it's all overblown and just a fashion, what we do about those who think it's a fashion I don't know?

PunkSwan said:

I wonder how many girls were diagnosed with autism in the 70s.

There seem to have only been a handful of autism diagnoses then.

Looking at this study: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC1121197/

The diagnosis rate of autists in the 1970 study was only 0,045% and at the time it was widely thought to not affect girls.

Aspergers (the more common type of autism) was only an official diagnisis starting in 1994 and autism as we understand it today since 2013.

There is lots of historical background to it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_autism 

It is a rapidly evolving field probably does not benefit from too much reflection on what could have been since we lacked the understanding back then. Learning what we can from the past is ptobably the best thing to do.

It's good to meet like-minded (or like-wired) people, even if it's online. Interesting point you make about generational differences even though we all face similar challenges. Things have changed, though. I wonder how many girls were diagnosed with autism in the 70s. Not that I want to get partisan here, it's just a particular viewpoint. 

I recognise a lot of what you say in myself Punkswan, I was late diagnosed too and I think I had a couple of melt downs in my twenties and thirties that weren't seen as such, it's hard to tell as so much else in my life was such a mess too. I definately relate the fears of being thought of as a terrible person, I dont care about it as much now, not because I want to be disliked, no one does, but I'm less willing to accept that everything's my fault and feeling constantly on the back foot. Now I just accept that I'm not going to get on with everyone and as long as I can look myself in the eye without wincing then I'm OK, even when few others agree with me.

I have noticed that there seems to be a huge differnce in those of us who were diagnosed later in life, known on here as Latelings and those who've been diagnosed early in life. I think some of the problems faced by those diagnosed at a young age, maybe due to the huge gulf between childrens services and adult ones, even though nearly all the groups of ND adults seem to focus on the young, us older ones are just left to get on with it.

This is a really good question, somethng that I was thinking about the other day in fact. 

Maybe autism is mutable, develops in different ways. A lot of it pre-diagnosis is not knowing that you're burned out or overwhelmed or the why. I had one adult meltdown 35 years ago and didn't understand what it was. I had other meltdowns that were disguised. I used to be very shy and quiet. Self-conscious. Confused, then inexplicably furious if a lot was going on. I was more blunt. I'm not sure who I am because of the mask I used and still use. But if I had any set needs, I was always compromising them in order to be accepted or not be a 'terrible' person.    

Age has gradually brought more confidence, a welcome defiance. I find if anything I am stronger about protecting boundaries so I am even more set about certain things. As if to say, no, this makes me comfortable, this stays. I am still quiet, but proudly so. another post talks about seeing things black and white versus shades of grey. I've had to dial down the bluntness. But my shades of grey are high-contrast. Even though my diagnosis arrived late (and tbh I can't see it having happened anywhere between the 70s and 90s), I like how I am now. Mainly because I have my answer. 

I think maybe I underplayed the extent to which it was affecting my life and decisions. After my diagnosis this year I have been much more into evaluating areas of self awareness to improve. I am also now more guarded and hypervigilant in how I defend my rights (as I now have rights - to challenge people who are stealing my livelyhood or breaking the eqaulity act). On a one to one level with myself I feel more connected, awkwardness only occurs when I have to interact and operate with others on the terms they contruct. So immitating NT behaviour is something I might still avoid doing, as this will consume time and be highly unproductive (other than performing some socially sybolic function). I am definately seeking out more meaning ful interactions, like here. This has helped my understand there are people who have had the same difficulties as me. I am still at a loss as to why so many of us blame ourselves for others behaviour towards us.

Do you worry about that though? I see myself edging down that road and, when I see other men being old and grumpy I am appalled to think that is how I might end up being viewed by the world. I also don't want to be someone giving out their opinion where it is neither wanted or useful and closing my mind off to others differing viewpoints.

HiInula 

I can relate to masking so much that people never really knew the real me either.

It’s strange looking back and realising how automatic it became.

Your dog sounds lovely, they really do accept us just as we are.  I have a cat and I feel the same way about him.

I hope you continue to enjoy that freedom to just be yourself.!!

As someone who was late to the official show, I have noticed that over the last year I have become much more aware of how much I've been struggling.

I read somewhere that as you age, your working memory doesn't work quite as well as it did, so the constant monitoring and adjusting in real time, sort of goes out of the window. For me it's been my emotional side that has become increasingly difficult to regulate. 

I'm really struggling at the moment and I find myself in the verge of tears most of the time. I was assessed with ADHD a month ago and it just seems like a journey of discovery that just keeps adding more weight without relief. 

I've had a bad year, I've had both diagnosis, I've lost people, been in a serious car accident (thankfully nobody had any lasting injuries) and started therapy which has unearthed a mountain of deeply buried stuff. I also managed to get into a third phase medical trial to deal with my TRD, this fell through at the last minute after weeks of testing and interrogation (for want of a better term).  If the straw that broke the camels back is out there, I hope it finds somewhere else to land.

I'm not looking for pity or advice but what I wouldn't give for a break in clouds is immeasurable.

I'm not going anywhere as I need to be here.

Anyway I hope you all have a better day x

This is an interesting question - and something I've been pondering just recently. I have found the opposite to be true in my case.

For me - I've masked heavily all my life. Desperately trying to fit in. Trying to be like everyone else. Trying to be liked and have friends  Trying to do what everyone else did while secretly hating it. As a teenager I recall taking quizzes (those of you who are old enough think back to teen magazines of the 70s like Jackie and Mirabelle) and tailoring my answers to what my friends would have answered - just so I got similar outcomes to "prove" that I was the same as them. In essence even lying to myself. 

I got married at 20 and I was a mum at 21 and I hid from the real world by staying at home looking after our child and our home. The "friends" I had were my husbands friends.I didn't get a "real" job because I was a homemaker.  Fortunately.my husband was very supportive and because of his job it made sense for me to be at home. 

My sister was diagnosed as autistic in her 40s and I remember thinking how ridiculous that was - and if she was autistic then I absolutely was. So I took an online test to "prove* it. And the test indicated that I wasn't. In actual fact what I had done was answer the questions as a masked person. I chose my answers to reflect that I was just the same as everyone else lying to myself again!)

Fast forward many many years and my husband died aged 54. This was the point that my autism really started to show up in the world as I was no longer having to hide it. My only companion is my dog and they dont need me to hide behind a neuro typical mask. . My daughter (40ish) also started to explore the possibility that she might be autistic. And kindly pointed out that I might also be autistic too and sent links to tests I might like to take. I took the online tests again and took care to answer from my heart and not from a place of hiding. My daughter laughed so much when I told her how I scored (not unkindly as she's incredibly supportive) 

Within a year I decided to pursue a diagnosis and my autism was confirmed when I was 62. And I was also advised to pursue an ADHD diagnosis (not done that but I accept that I'm also ADHD)

Goodness - I'm sorry this is such a long ramble!  What I really want to say is - all my life I tried to be like everyone else. I thought I was doing a really good job of blending in but looking back I can see that I didn't. Even my late husband didn't know the real me because I masked so heavily. Now I live alone I feel more able to be me. I wear clothes that no typical 64 year old would wear. Sadly I've given up trying to make (and keep) friends. My dog doesn't judge me. I can retreat into my home and ignore the world. Only thing that makes me sad - i think my paternal grandmother was autistic. She wasn't a warm cuddly grandma. I see a lot of her in me. 

I think the reason I was diagnosed at this year at 70 is because having masked and over compensated for years I started being me .

I did not do 'being young' very well. I think from about 13 to 25 years of age was the worst period of my life. I was hugely lacking in confidence and morbidly self-conscious. The older I became the more I felt happy in my own skin. I do opinionated, grumpy old git really well.