Has your autisticness changed over the years?

Not sure autisticness is a real word, but you get the idea.

If I think back to how I was In my 20s, then 30s, then 50s, and now post diagnosis, plus how I am in and out of burnout, I can see some changes.

In my 20s I was far more set on what food I would eat, I had stricter routines, changes made me uncomfortable, I couldn't approach strangers at all, I was quite timid, I couldn't really do social events, if I had to they were a lot more stressful than enjoyable, something to be endured.

As long as not burnt out, I became less timid, more outwardly assured, albeit at the expense of chronic stress, and did more. I stopped most scripting and rarely replay conversations now. I became much better at using forums, and even calling people on the phone (I couldn't use it as a teenager). Social events are hard but not as bad, I still feel awkward, I think that will never go.

I think as you get older there is less new stuff so your sphere widens.

Is this other people's experience?

Parents
  • This is an interesting question - and something I've been pondering just recently. I have found the opposite to be true in my case.

    For me - I've masked heavily all my life. Desperately trying to fit in. Trying to be like everyone else. Trying to be liked and have friends  Trying to do what everyone else did while secretly hating it. As a teenager I recall taking quizzes (those of you who are old enough think back to teen magazines of the 70s like Jackie and Mirabelle) and tailoring my answers to what my friends would have answered - just so I got similar outcomes to "prove" that I was the same as them. In essence even lying to myself. 

    I got married at 20 and I was a mum at 21 and I hid from the real world by staying at home looking after our child and our home. The "friends" I had were my husbands friends.I didn't get a "real" job because I was a homemaker.  Fortunately.my husband was very supportive and because of his job it made sense for me to be at home. 

    My sister was diagnosed as autistic in her 40s and I remember thinking how ridiculous that was - and if she was autistic then I absolutely was. So I took an online test to "prove* it. And the test indicated that I wasn't. In actual fact what I had done was answer the questions as a masked person. I chose my answers to reflect that I was just the same as everyone else lying to myself again!)

    Fast forward many many years and my husband died aged 54. This was the point that my autism really started to show up in the world as I was no longer having to hide it. My only companion is my dog and they dont need me to hide behind a neuro typical mask. . My daughter (40ish) also started to explore the possibility that she might be autistic. And kindly pointed out that I might also be autistic too and sent links to tests I might like to take. I took the online tests again and took care to answer from my heart and not from a place of hiding. My daughter laughed so much when I told her how I scored (not unkindly as she's incredibly supportive) 

    Within a year I decided to pursue a diagnosis and my autism was confirmed when I was 62. And I was also advised to pursue an ADHD diagnosis (not done that but I accept that I'm also ADHD)

    Goodness - I'm sorry this is such a long ramble!  What I really want to say is - all my life I tried to be like everyone else. I thought I was doing a really good job of blending in but looking back I can see that I didn't. Even my late husband didn't know the real me because I masked so heavily. Now I live alone I feel more able to be me. I wear clothes that no typical 64 year old would wear. Sadly I've given up trying to make (and keep) friends. My dog doesn't judge me. I can retreat into my home and ignore the world. Only thing that makes me sad - i think my paternal grandmother was autistic. She wasn't a warm cuddly grandma. I see a lot of her in me. 

  • Hi 

    I can relate to masking so much that people never really knew the real me either.

    It’s strange looking back and realising how automatic it became.

    Your dog sounds lovely, they really do accept us just as we are.  I have a cat and I feel the same way about him.

    I hope you continue to enjoy that freedom to just be yourself.!!

Reply
  • Hi 

    I can relate to masking so much that people never really knew the real me either.

    It’s strange looking back and realising how automatic it became.

    Your dog sounds lovely, they really do accept us just as we are.  I have a cat and I feel the same way about him.

    I hope you continue to enjoy that freedom to just be yourself.!!

Children
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