Patronising Bosses

My god, yes. A headteacher. Definitely should know better.

No, you're not being unreasonable. Your boss was blithe and ignorant. They need training. I'm surprised people in professional contexts still come out with this stuff. Please stay strong. I totally understand overthinking things... but try to protect your hard-won confidence and health. Might there be some discrimination going on? I don't know.   

Oh okay. Sorry I wasn’t sure if they could have helped. My heads messed up and just wrote it quickly in the hope it may be helpful. I hope things get better for you. Take care.

ACAS Is an organisation who specialise in helping employees and employers ove HR problems and mediation in disputes

ACAS?

Just picked up this thread.

My sympathies are with you. I know and understand from my own experience the way managers treated me. As Iain said they will often label you as difficult and try to encourage you to move on.

It is not fair but the system is stacked against you as going the legal route is very expensive. I am currently in the process of going to tribunal over the discriminatory way I have been treated and it is expensive to say the least.

You will have to decide do stand up for your rights or just melt in the face of a quiet life or anything in between.

Hope things work out for you.

I think you're right to look for another job but I also think you are right to make your point to this school. The head has not been inclusive. Are you part of a union because you can contact them and have someone from there represent you. I don't know the rules on family members supporting you but you are definitely allowed someone.

Sorry this has been your experience.

I am currently already looking for other jobs and have been before this situation arose due to wanting to become more financially independent. (Get off ESA benefits.) I am aware how some management can work as I have had this in the past in a different sector. (After a complaint had been made to my manager at the time with how they were treating staff, my hours reduced considerably. When I gave in my notice, they didn't try and convince me to stay.)

Unfortunately, I don't think this job and work environment is for me. It is also not worth what I get paid each month. At least I gave it a fair go as this is not my first job within this sector. 

NeuroVerse said:

They seemed to get a bit scared when my father mentioned unions or him representing me.

If the procedure is a disciplinary one then you do have the right to have someone present:

https://www.gov.uk/disciplinary-procedures-and-action-at-work/disciplinary-hearings

You have the right to take someone with you to a disciplinary hearing, but you must tell your employer about this first.

I would advise going through your contract and reading the fine print about any performance and disciplinary procedures and have these on hand for any meetings so you can refer to them if needed.

NeuroVerse said:

Recently a parent has complained about me which has resulted in me receiving an official verbal warning from the headteacher with accompanying extra training.

A verbal warning sounds like a disciplinary situation to me. I would ask them to clarify it in writing. 

Make sure all communication is made without any emotional statements (eg I'm angry that... ) but keep it cold and clinical.

That would be how I handle it.

One thing to be aware of is that once you find yourself at this stage there is often no going back to the old situation. You are quite likely going to find yourself being squeezed out. I've seen this happen time and gain when an employee is seen as "trouble" and a risk - best to make them want to leave than get rid of them.

This is just a heads up to perpare yourself to search for another job as a contingency plan. Hopefully it will be resolved but be ready if it doesn't.

Thank you all that have took their time to reply to my anxious thoughts. Here's an update on what I can say has happened since.

My father who is also my primary carer with regards to my mental health and neurodiversity instructed me to not go into work today due to my mental and emotional state. He then phoned the school to speak to my head teacher but could only get as far as a business manager who isn't aware of the whole situation. My father had been a primary school teacher for forty years so has some experience with how primary schools run.

They kept saying it isn't in disciplinary stages, that it isn't a "meeting" with the head to make sure I understand the policies and procedures (just an informal chat where they can insult my intelligence,) and basically I am making a big deal out of nothing. They forgot to mention it is an official warning going on my file for a year. They seemed to get a bit scared when my father mentioned unions or him representing me. (According to the school, he can't sit in on any conversations between me and the head teacher which is ridiculous as the pupil can have their parent advocate for them.)

What I'm going to do over the weekend is go through each procedure and highlight how I demonstrated my knowledge of the procedures and policies with hard evidence in my actions. I'm also going to try and get in contact with someone independent from HR I believe to accompany me to any chats or meetings with the head. Last resort would be to resign and mention in my exit interview how to treat a late diagnosed adult female, which I'm presuming will be ignored but worth stating for them to improve in the future.

I didn't realise until upon reflecting how much I mask at work and how tiring this has been on me. I only work part-time and I go to bed most afternoons after my shift has ended.

I believe you can join Unison which I think many non teaching staff join. If you Google Teaching Assistant there are a couple of others as well.

However I discovered that when I decided to join a Union they were unable to help with a current issue. However joining one means you have support for any future issues.

The arbitration servie ACAS maybe able to help you too or at least advice you whichunions you could join.

I'd also keep a record of all your interactions with the head teacher for use at a later date, in case you had to go to an unfair or constructive dismissal tribunral or something like that.

Thanks for letting me know. I'll fix that now.

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Hello NeuroVerse

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like a really difficult and frustrating situation, and you’re absolutely not being unreasonable to feel insulted by those comments. Autistic people often face challenges at work because of poor understanding from colleagues or managers, and what you’ve described could understandably knock anyone’s confidence.

You have the right to expect respect and fair treatment. We have a resource that might help: www.autism.org.uk/.../what-can-i-do-if-im-having-trouble-at-work

It covers issues such as lack of understanding, bullying, discrimination, and situations where there are concerns about your ability to do your job or dismissal.

As the responses from other communuty users shows, you’re not alone in this. Many people have faced similar challenges, and there is guidance and support available.

Kind regards

Sharon Mod

You know perhaps it’s shouldn’t shock me but it still does when I hear stories like this, for all the progress society has made with autism awareness there are still those who blissfully live in the dark ages and do not seek further enlightenment. If you are a head master in a school you of all people should be fully conscious of autism and its many manifestations. I can’t help but think sometimes that those in positions of power in these types of establishments feel above others and know better. 

Teachers have their own unions, but most non teaching staff at schools I worked in were members of unions. If that isn’t the case in your school, you can still join a union and be your own school union representative. The union should guide you through the process of making that work for you in your employment.

NeuroVerse said:

I keep replaying the conversations in my head trying to see their side of things. Not sure if this is like gaslighting myself. 

I think what you are trying to do is understand the full context of the situation and this need to understand the perspectives, motives and thoughts of the other person which are quite alien for many autists.

It has taken me decades of studying psychology, behavioral studies and group dynamics as a special interest to get close to what I think is happening in my interactions, but with everyone being different it is never going to be 100% accurate.

NeuroVerse said:

The downside is I may want to argue my point on every single part, which may be seen as me being defensive, like a sulky teenager not wanting to do a chore. 

Personally I think you aer more at risk of being thought of as subordinate, not following orders which are within reasonable parameters and are trying to undermine them.

If you really want to keep the position then I would consider a more submissive approach - let them believe they are the boss who you want to learn from and apologise for not being as informed as you needed to be. 

Asking for their advice on how to understand things you struggle with around this subject would seem a smart move as it helps you understand hopefully and strokes their ego in thinking you are now respecting their authority (cue Cartman from South Park voice...).

Keeping a role long term requires you to play a bit of a game most of the time - you need to do the job well, keep the managers feeling important, respected and valued while just getting on with the job as much as you can.

All in my opinion of course.

Thank you for the information you've given. Since the numerous meetings I've had with the headteacher about the situation at hand, I keep replaying the conversations in my head trying to see their side of things. Not sure if this is like gaslighting myself. 

I can't obviously say what the complaint was about due to confidentiality but information about a pupil in question was withheld from me which makes the pupil's statement a little questionable. Yes, children lie, misunderstand, and exaggerate. My statement has been consistent throughout.

I'm having to receive one-to-one training with the headteacher on policies and procedures "to make sure I completely understand them". The good news is this is overtime money for me. The downside is I may want to argue my point on every single part, which may be seen as me being defensive, like a sulky teenager not wanting to do a chore. 

I would love to have a union to join, but although I work in an education setting, I am not teaching staff and I'm under the impression I can't join a union. (May look into this though as it is getting pretty out of hand, putting me off going into work each day.)