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Patronising Bosses

NeuroVerse

Hi all,

First post so please bear with me...

I started a part-time job back in April 2025 in a primary school. At the start of this academic year, the school got a new headteacher. Recently a parent has complained about me which has resulted in me receiving an official verbal warning from the headteacher with accompanying extra training.

At the end of my shift today, I received the official paperwork about this complaint and disciplinary procedure. I haven't told anyone directly at the school about my autism diagnosis, but disclosed it to occupational health during my very short assessment before I started working at the school. The headteacher said to me at the start of this meeting "I understand you're autistic and everyone is a little bit on the spectrum..." I've heard this statement so many times, I am very rarely affected by it anymore. I don't believe that is correct but everyone is entitled to an opinion. My problem lies with when I was reading the documents and the headteacher said in a patronising tone "I know there are some big, complicated words here. Are you sure you understand all of this?"

For context, I'm an avid reader and achieved grade C at A Level English Language. I believe I am above average when it comes to my comprehension of the English Language and formal documents. Being autistic doesn't mean I'm academically challenged. Like having depression doesn't mean you just feel sad. (My full diagnosis is severe psychotic depression with auditory hallucinations and being on the autistic spectrum.) 

Am I being unreasonable here feeling insulted and offended how my boss treated/spoke to me? Should I say anything back or make a complaint about this? I am looking for a new job because the state of education in this country is not one I am enjoying or can cope with long term. I thought I was doing well in my remission with my mental health, but something like this may knock my confidence and self-esteem considerably. I'm an overthinker as it is, and have been replaying every conversation since Monday with people multiple times, trying to find any hidden meaning or my misunderstanding.

  • I'd be livid and raging. I think you should speak to your union rep and if you're not part of a union then join one, this is exactly the sort of thing they should fight on your behalf and on behalf of everyone else who has to put up with such patronising oafs.

    From what you've said I dont' think there is anything you misunderstood, but I do think you've been the victim of discrimination.

  • NeuroVerse said:
    Am I being unreasonable here feeling insulted and offended how my boss treated/spoke to me?

    You are entitled to feel insulted but I think there is another way to look at this which you may have overlooked.

    He is aware you are autistc and acknowledges it. Remember that teachers are primarily exposed to autism as a learning disability at school so thye do not get a lot of exposure to what it means for adults.

    If you were to read anything into this is it that the headmaster is trying to help you, even if they are off the mark. Of course without seeing the nuance of how this was said it can be hard to tell if they were being patronising or just using their "oh poor you" voice.

    It may be worth asking in writing how your autism was disclosed as you are concerned of a breach of confidentiality. This should be a great big flag to them that you now have grounds for a lawsuit against either them for looking at confidential stuff or occupational health for disclosing personal details.

    I would ask for the contact details for their lawyer and ask for all comminications to be performed in writing relating to this.

    My approach would be so that they now take me very seriously, they realise I am not to be messed with that I know my rights.

    I would also contact an employment lawyer once I have gathered all my evidence (copies of it at home in case they cut off your access) pay the initial consult fee and make sure I knew about the law.

    That would be how I would do it - hopefully they will shape up and be decent but if not then at least there should be a 5 figure payout when they are found in the wrong. I base this on 2 cases I have brought against employers and won.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you both  and  for your advice.

    As much as I would love to argue back and find the whole situation with the formal complaint and how it has been handled unfair, I do believe it would be worse for me if I did say anything. (I can't go into detail obviously about the nature of the complaint, but it contains untrue information about what I said, and the parent took to social media to complain about me which I'm not sure of the outcome. I haven't seen the social media post as I am not on that platform and I also don't want to know.)

    My application form included all of my qualifications and some of my GCSEs were mentioned at interview. As this is a new headteacher, I am unsure if they are aware of my qualifications.

    I hate using my diagnosis as an excuse and very rarely mention it due to what people may think of me. I am so used to masking, I could list it as a skill in any applications! I just want people to understand the spectrum of neurodiversity more, but I don't think I am the right person to deliver that information.

  • in reply to Trev

    The problem will be it will not really help to complain about the head, particularly if you have a formal warning, unless you are disputing the warning.

    If a quiet word I'd not possible, save it for an exit interview if you find another job.

    I think just keeping quiet is best.

    Let your results speak for themselves.

  • I suppose you could write a formal response suggesting that you felt that the language used by the headteacher was inappropriate and by suggesting that everyone was somewhat disabled (by being on the spectrum) constituted disability discrimination and that the headteacher therefore needed to attend some training on disability discrimination.

    Regarding the comments about the complicated words if you listed your qualifications when you applied for the job then that just makes their behaviour more discriminatory and makes their need for training more obvious.

  • It seems a bit of a breach of trust by bringing it up may the start. I suppose occupational health are not independent, but not sure where they stand on information given in confidence.

    There are differences in interpretation, in particular taking things literally, but that's not the same as basic comprehension. The comment is condescending and a bit insulting. If you can't get it out of your mind and it is affecting you ask if you could have a quiet word.it might not have been meant badly, but it is a bit poor. I think people don't understand autism, but it is so variable it is hard. It is why I am not keen on having an enormous bucket for everything.