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Patronising Bosses

NeuroVerse

Hi all,

First post so please bear with me...

I started a part-time job back in April 2025 in a primary school. At the start of this academic year, the school got a new headteacher. Recently a parent has complained about me which has resulted in me receiving an official verbal warning from the headteacher with accompanying extra training.

At the end of my shift today, I received the official paperwork about this complaint and disciplinary procedure. I haven't told anyone directly at the school about my autism diagnosis, but disclosed it to occupational health during my very short assessment before I started working at the school. The headteacher said to me at the start of this meeting "I understand you're autistic and everyone is a little bit on the spectrum..." I've heard this statement so many times, I am very rarely affected by it anymore. I don't believe that is correct but everyone is entitled to an opinion. My problem lies with when I was reading the documents and the headteacher said in a patronising tone "I know there are some big, complicated words here. Are you sure you understand all of this?"

For context, I'm an avid reader and achieved grade C at A Level English Language. I believe I am above average when it comes to my comprehension of the English Language and formal documents. Being autistic doesn't mean I'm academically challenged. Like having depression doesn't mean you just feel sad. (My full diagnosis is severe psychotic depression with auditory hallucinations and being on the autistic spectrum.) 

Am I being unreasonable here feeling insulted and offended how my boss treated/spoke to me? Should I say anything back or make a complaint about this? I am looking for a new job because the state of education in this country is not one I am enjoying or can cope with long term. I thought I was doing well in my remission with my mental health, but something like this may knock my confidence and self-esteem considerably. I'm an overthinker as it is, and have been replaying every conversation since Monday with people multiple times, trying to find any hidden meaning or my misunderstanding.

Parents
  • NeuroVerse said:
    Am I being unreasonable here feeling insulted and offended how my boss treated/spoke to me?

    You are entitled to feel insulted but I think there is another way to look at this which you may have overlooked.

    He is aware you are autistc and acknowledges it. Remember that teachers are primarily exposed to autism as a learning disability at school so thye do not get a lot of exposure to what it means for adults.

    If you were to read anything into this is it that the headmaster is trying to help you, even if they are off the mark. Of course without seeing the nuance of how this was said it can be hard to tell if they were being patronising or just using their "oh poor you" voice.

    It may be worth asking in writing how your autism was disclosed as you are concerned of a breach of confidentiality. This should be a great big flag to them that you now have grounds for a lawsuit against either them for looking at confidential stuff or occupational health for disclosing personal details.

    I would ask for the contact details for their lawyer and ask for all comminications to be performed in writing relating to this.

    My approach would be so that they now take me very seriously, they realise I am not to be messed with that I know my rights.

    I would also contact an employment lawyer once I have gathered all my evidence (copies of it at home in case they cut off your access) pay the initial consult fee and make sure I knew about the law.

    That would be how I would do it - hopefully they will shape up and be decent but if not then at least there should be a 5 figure payout when they are found in the wrong. I base this on 2 cases I have brought against employers and won.

Reply
  • NeuroVerse said:
    Am I being unreasonable here feeling insulted and offended how my boss treated/spoke to me?

    You are entitled to feel insulted but I think there is another way to look at this which you may have overlooked.

    He is aware you are autistc and acknowledges it. Remember that teachers are primarily exposed to autism as a learning disability at school so thye do not get a lot of exposure to what it means for adults.

    If you were to read anything into this is it that the headmaster is trying to help you, even if they are off the mark. Of course without seeing the nuance of how this was said it can be hard to tell if they were being patronising or just using their "oh poor you" voice.

    It may be worth asking in writing how your autism was disclosed as you are concerned of a breach of confidentiality. This should be a great big flag to them that you now have grounds for a lawsuit against either them for looking at confidential stuff or occupational health for disclosing personal details.

    I would ask for the contact details for their lawyer and ask for all comminications to be performed in writing relating to this.

    My approach would be so that they now take me very seriously, they realise I am not to be messed with that I know my rights.

    I would also contact an employment lawyer once I have gathered all my evidence (copies of it at home in case they cut off your access) pay the initial consult fee and make sure I knew about the law.

    That would be how I would do it - hopefully they will shape up and be decent but if not then at least there should be a 5 figure payout when they are found in the wrong. I base this on 2 cases I have brought against employers and won.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for the information you've given. Since the numerous meetings I've had with the headteacher about the situation at hand, I keep replaying the conversations in my head trying to see their side of things. Not sure if this is like gaslighting myself. 

    I can't obviously say what the complaint was about due to confidentiality but information about a pupil in question was withheld from me which makes the pupil's statement a little questionable. Yes, children lie, misunderstand, and exaggerate. My statement has been consistent throughout.

    I'm having to receive one-to-one training with the headteacher on policies and procedures "to make sure I completely understand them". The good news is this is overtime money for me. The downside is I may want to argue my point on every single part, which may be seen as me being defensive, like a sulky teenager not wanting to do a chore.