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Patronising Bosses

NeuroVerse

Hi all,

First post so please bear with me...

I started a part-time job back in April 2025 in a primary school. At the start of this academic year, the school got a new headteacher. Recently a parent has complained about me which has resulted in me receiving an official verbal warning from the headteacher with accompanying extra training.

At the end of my shift today, I received the official paperwork about this complaint and disciplinary procedure. I haven't told anyone directly at the school about my autism diagnosis, but disclosed it to occupational health during my very short assessment before I started working at the school. The headteacher said to me at the start of this meeting "I understand you're autistic and everyone is a little bit on the spectrum..." I've heard this statement so many times, I am very rarely affected by it anymore. I don't believe that is correct but everyone is entitled to an opinion. My problem lies with when I was reading the documents and the headteacher said in a patronising tone "I know there are some big, complicated words here. Are you sure you understand all of this?"

For context, I'm an avid reader and achieved grade C at A Level English Language. I believe I am above average when it comes to my comprehension of the English Language and formal documents. Being autistic doesn't mean I'm academically challenged. Like having depression doesn't mean you just feel sad. (My full diagnosis is severe psychotic depression with auditory hallucinations and being on the autistic spectrum.) 

Am I being unreasonable here feeling insulted and offended how my boss treated/spoke to me? Should I say anything back or make a complaint about this? I am looking for a new job because the state of education in this country is not one I am enjoying or can cope with long term. I thought I was doing well in my remission with my mental health, but something like this may knock my confidence and self-esteem considerably. I'm an overthinker as it is, and have been replaying every conversation since Monday with people multiple times, trying to find any hidden meaning or my misunderstanding.

Parents

  • Thank you all that have took their time to reply to my anxious thoughts. Here's an update on what I can say has happened since.

    My father who is also my primary carer with regards to my mental health and neurodiversity instructed me to not go into work today due to my mental and emotional state. He then phoned the school to speak to my head teacher but could only get as far as a business manager who isn't aware of the whole situation. My father had been a primary school teacher for forty years so has some experience with how primary schools run.

    They kept saying it isn't in disciplinary stages, that it isn't a "meeting" with the head to make sure I understand the policies and procedures (just an informal chat where they can insult my intelligence,) and basically I am making a big deal out of nothing. They forgot to mention it is an official warning going on my file for a year. They seemed to get a bit scared when my father mentioned unions or him representing me. (According to the school, he can't sit in on any conversations between me and the head teacher which is ridiculous as the pupil can have their parent advocate for them.)

    What I'm going to do over the weekend is go through each procedure and highlight how I demonstrated my knowledge of the procedures and policies with hard evidence in my actions. I'm also going to try and get in contact with someone independent from HR I believe to accompany me to any chats or meetings with the head. Last resort would be to resign and mention in my exit interview how to treat a late diagnosed adult female, which I'm presuming will be ignored but worth stating for them to improve in the future.

    I didn't realise until upon reflecting how much I mask at work and how tiring this has been on me. I only work part-time and I go to bed most afternoons after my shift has ended.

  • in reply to NeuroVerse
    NeuroVerse said:
    They seemed to get a bit scared when my father mentioned unions or him representing me.

    If the procedure is a disciplinary one then you do have the right to have someone present:

    https://www.gov.uk/disciplinary-procedures-and-action-at-work/disciplinary-hearings

    You have the right to take someone with you to a disciplinary hearing, but you must tell your employer about this first.

    I would advise going through your contract and reading the fine print about any performance and disciplinary procedures and have these on hand for any meetings so you can refer to them if needed.

    NeuroVerse said:
    Recently a parent has complained about me which has resulted in me receiving an official verbal warning from the headteacher with accompanying extra training.

    A verbal warning sounds like a disciplinary situation to me. I would ask them to clarify it in writing. 

    Make sure all communication is made without any emotional statements (eg I'm angry that... ) but keep it cold and clinical.

    That would be how I handle it.

    One thing to be aware of is that once you find yourself at this stage there is often no going back to the old situation. You are quite likely going to find yourself being squeezed out. I've seen this happen time and gain when an employee is seen as "trouble" and a risk - best to make them want to leave than get rid of them.

    This is just a heads up to perpare yourself to search for another job as a contingency plan. Hopefully it will be resolved but be ready if it doesn't.

  • in reply to Iain

    I am currently already looking for other jobs and have been before this situation arose due to wanting to become more financially independent. (Get off ESA benefits.) I am aware how some management can work as I have had this in the past in a different sector. (After a complaint had been made to my manager at the time with how they were treating staff, my hours reduced considerably. When I gave in my notice, they didn't try and convince me to stay.)

    Unfortunately, I don't think this job and work environment is for me. It is also not worth what I get paid each month. At least I gave it a fair go as this is not my first job within this sector. 

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    I am currently already looking for other jobs and have been before this situation arose due to wanting to become more financially independent. (Get off ESA benefits.) I am aware how some management can work as I have had this in the past in a different sector. (After a complaint had been made to my manager at the time with how they were treating staff, my hours reduced considerably. When I gave in my notice, they didn't try and convince me to stay.)

    Unfortunately, I don't think this job and work environment is for me. It is also not worth what I get paid each month. At least I gave it a fair go as this is not my first job within this sector. 

Children
  • in reply to NeuroVerse

    I think you're right to look for another job but I also think you are right to make your point to this school. The head has not been inclusive. Are you part of a union because you can contact them and have someone from there represent you. I don't know the rules on family members supporting you but you are definitely allowed someone.

    Sorry this has been your experience.