imposter syndrome whilst waiting for a diagnosis

As far as I was aware imposter syndrome is a rare symptom attributed to psychosis where the person in the throes of a psychotic break believe that people around them like parents family and friends body's and brains have been taken over by another being who is controlling them and that they are only the flesh and bones of the people that they were, I think that in some sever cases of a condition that the name of which escapes me at this present time but results in severe depression and psychosis post pregnancy where the mother can struggle to bond with their newborn can have symptoms of imposter syndrome that are directed towards the new born child but that is in very severe cases and it may be that people with suspicious/paranoid personality types like schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder are at an inflated risk of developing those type of symptoms during a post pregnancy psychotic break, there are many other contributing factors of course like ethnic background any cultural and religious beliefs and practices, folk law tails etc it may have been much more prevalent in and around the 1950's when there was a science fiction golden age invasion of the body snatchers etc and later on when zombie movies became the fashion, lots and lots of things contribute to an episode of psychosis and how any psychotic symptoms manifests, but there has to be what is called a psychotic break which is a complete detachment from reality and it is completely obvious for almost anyone other than the person experiencing a psychotic break when it is happening, because of how advanced psychiatry and mental health services are today and how effective treatments are its extremely rare to see someone wandering the streets in the throes of a schizophrenic or schizoaffective disorder crisis, in fact many people with the conditions never ever experience an episode of psychosis in its entirety and experience the full effects of psychosis and that's because psychosis is identified very quickly and if anyone is unlucky enough to have an extended episode of psychosis that reaches severe levels it is so destressing and traumatic an experience they struggle with the effects of residual psychosis for years or even a life time after. In asd it is very different imagination and strongly held beliefs can be troublesome but they are not psychosis and cannot ever be treated as such, please don't think that I am in any way belittling the issues that people on the autistic spectrum face or that helping identifying and resolving the issues are simple because they really are not, ASD is complex and the people who understand and work with people on the spectrum are highly skilled with many years of experience behind them they are dedicated and have a wealth of lived experience and acquired knowledge to draw from, they are often the best of the best and it is not just anyone who applies themselves who can acquire the ability's that are required. It is always best for any conditions to be assessed correctly and identified for what they are so that treatment care co-ordination, planning and treatment are targeted and effective or else it just makes misery. Don't worry too much be honest and open and the assessors should be proficient and able and if not it will become obvious. 

  A lazy eyes causes processing issues and increase sensory overload and eye strain sometimes it can be caused by something wrong with diet or how a person organises their foods in relation to their day and activities, other times it may be caused by a physical fault that can or cannot be corrected and on other occasions it may be that in a particular person's life they often encounter and are affected by a chemical that has a muscle relaxant effect which weakens the muscles that control the eye and prevents focusing correctly, many of those substances also effect the brain and have a cognitive dampening effect, which makes it less obvious to the person who is affected. It's a method used by cruel people some also use other techniques like misaligning spectacles so that it's difficult for a person to hold their head up straight, it makes a person weak in the mind and look subservient and because the eye strain is so bad but the actual cause is left unaddressed when someone poisons with a muscle relaxant and cognitive dampener it seems like relief but it's actually another step in the wrong direction and further shuts down the brain, there are some extremely nasty cruel individuals who are unbelievably arrogant and just as useless but they cannot see what they are and despite knowing the reasons that they causally identify vulnerabilities in others and use positioning in order to exploit a weakness in a cruel narcissistic way rather than help and improve the identifiable issue they will not admit it to others and will be very reluctant to accept it within themselves because it's so pathetic and they know that other people would see it as such. The reason diet and lifestyle is very important for anyone is because it's what helps the brain and body work, when someone does it correctly then there is a person who views that as a threat, that's why diet is rarely explained in an easily absorbed way, the next things that are crucial for good brain and body function and a person's ability to succeed and achieve in life are the sensory organs and the easiest on to affect negatively are the eyes and it does have a very large effect, a narcissist will attempt to stop people from achieving and being independent, they want to control and dominate and affect others without being directly identified and it is common for them to want to see and witness the effect their cruelty has on their victims and targets, if you ever recognise a strong trait of narcissism in another human being you will never look at them in the same way because it's disgusting they are vile and they make your skin crawl, some people get angry and lash out, others get things wrong or get carried away but a person with narcissism is different it's not possible for other people to tolerate them because it is antisocial and people are social creatures. 

I still feel like this after being diagnosed 

I find this chart very interesting and also helpful.

Yes, research obsession made almost insane. I felt like total idiot. I wanted to throw this topic out of my head, but couldn't. I even called my therapist and cried on the phone that I can't cope with it anymore. He gave me a homework to research about autism. He couldn't give me any date sooner than our planned appointment. I wasn't sure if I would go to hospital.  But what would I tell them? That my therapist told me that he suspects autism and gave me the homework to research about it? And now I can't stop... it sounds to me like a madness. At that time two activities helped me distance myself from the topic. I made a project like those in my childhood- tram line scheme with timetables (unfinished because my daughter interrupted me and ive never got a chance to finish the timetables) and also writing numbers in notebooks. I filled 3 notebooks with following 10 digits numbers. I always loved creating and collecting data that made actually no sense and served no purpose. As I analysed the ICD11 diagnostic criteria,  I feel that they are the explanation, why I feel inferior to others. I saw some posts where people say, that they don't understand these criteria.  I do understand them. Now im back on track with my favourite activity and started reading a book from Neil Tyson DeGrasse.

I think once I get my report back and find out my diagnosis, I can process that as best I can and go back to my interests. It's so exhausting being obsessed almost with autism as a potential autistic person ha!

This is great advice thank you! I think I definitely have been getting obsessed with autism, especially when filling out my forms (the final step for me before my actual assessment) so every spare second I've had has been associated with autism in some way, more than usual haha! I need to just get back to my Doctor Who and history and try not to think about it too much. 

It's so frustrating, isn't it! I definitely think I am thinking too deeply about it and everything will come out fine

This circle visualisation is really good actually! Thank you so much!

My issue is when anyone else feels the same way I do, I'm immediately saying all this. Autism is a spectrum and not everyone experiences every trait in the same intensity but for some reason I struggle offering myself this!

I agree with you, it’s very well worded. 

The research obsession is so strong, it's taken over so much of my free time, I'm even listening to podcasts while I work. 

I'm getting my report soon, but trying to let my other interests have a bit of room again, as I feel they are me and I think they will help me process it all by reminding me of what else I enjoy!

I find your description perfect! 

Even once you're diagnosed you'll still feel like an imposter.

The issue is when you are not under stress and in a safe environment and not burnt out, you can do things OK. So you wonder what the fuss is about.

Then you get something that throws you and you realise there is an issue.

It is hard to accept. 

I don't know why there are so many smiley faces through my reply. Sorry

I can relate to this. I waited a year before my first autism and ADHD assessments. I had mynfirst autism assessment then the day before my second one I got an email saying it was all cancelled and Ias taken off the list because I'd moved area and therefore they couldn't fund it from my new area. I had such a meltdown. I did get diagnosed with ADHD before the cancellations and the lady (who isn a specialist in autism) thinks I am, as do the mental health professionals I've continually been seeing over the years which is what first suggested I may be autistic. I don't have it in me to starthe diagnosis procedure again just yet as I was waiting for so long in the first place but I feel like a fraud for self diagnosing. I also worry about what happens if I'm not, do you feel broken? Th's what I kind of describe it as, like I know something is different about me. I don't have any advice for you, just that I can understand kind of

This is what I dealt with too. The feeling if being imposter was strong to thepoint of madness. I decided some time ago  to stop reading and watching about autism and went back to my aliens and space. This way I don't feel imposter,  I'm just me again, although being a social outcast, I feel much better in my vast inner world. Today I told my mom one story I wrote 2,5 years ago about aliens and time travel and she told me, that Netflix could pay me for my stories. That was nice. So maybe you can also try to go back to your previous intrest and if autism became your kind of Obsession (it was in my case), then it would automatically fade after some time. Overthinking and analysing every possible moment, trait and situation will nit help unfortunately.  I myself am not diagnosed,  suspected autism and lexical gustatory synaesthesia, so I don't know how I will feel if I'm on my way, which is going to probably happen, because my husband and my daughter's teacher and her psychologist are trying to convince me to get myself tested for autism. My teachers in my childhood had these suspicion years ago (becausei was mute, they thought i dont speak at all and tgere were also meltdowns whenever they tried to force me to play with other kids) but my mom dismissed and was very angry that someone dares to say that her daughter is defective. Then I got multiple times misdiagnosed and mistreated and ended up as 37 y/o woman with suspected autism. 

I feel the same. I'm in the middle of getting a diagnosis currently (22 years old) and I feel like I'm a faker when I'm just trying my best to be true to myself.

I felt exactly the same sort of worry before my diagnosis because I knew coming away empty handed would leave me raw, confused and feeling stupid for even considering I could be autistic. Even after diagnosis the feelings of imposter syndrome can linger, coming and going like the tides of the sea, that’s how it is for me. 

It may help to visualise a spectrum like this one. Everyone who is autistic will be on here somewhere in their own unique way. Not everyone is the same and black and white thinking; another autistic trait certainly doesn’t help with this type of thing. Sometimes you may think “How can I be autistic as I don’t do this and that like other autistic people do?” But not every autistic person has every autistic trait. I stim very little but others may do it more or constantly.