Rebuilding self-worth and recognising unbalanced relationships

Of course!!

Thank you!!

Remember to always make time for yourself.  And know your rights!!

Hi pietro_21 

I can relate to a lot of what you've said.

You’ve had to deal with so much and have found a way to set boundaries and stay strong. I admire that.

I understand that a thicker skin is required.

I think what you said about holding on to bitterness really stood out, I'm still working on this.

I want to be able to spot the signs and I feel like I am getting better at this.

Thank you for sharing so much.(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

 I am 46 diagnosed this summer.

This is something I suffered with for many years/still suffer with. To the point where my marriage ended, and I now live separately from everyone in my life. Although I am very close to my mum and sisters who live nearby. 

Being around large groups of people is incredibly difficult for me education and early career were hard. I went for maybe 3 years after I first few years when I first graduated univeristy putting myself back togeteher, because in short I until that point in my life I had been taken apart (bullied mostly by young men, or women behaving like stupid young men). I realised there were people trying to set me back at univeristy and in my career to give themselves some advantage. 

There have been points in realtionships and in the workplace where people have just walked over me. Or looked through me in terms of my capability, My awareness of this early on is what helped me progress in small ways in the workplace. I am very wary of how people misuse relationships to their advantage. Even people we trust very well can undermine us. This has to become part of your own self-wareness package that you take to new situations. 

I always refer back to the simple principle that noone can bully you unless you allow them. You can apply this to every part of your life because you are in control. You just have to feel relaxed to be confident about yourself, which means managing anxiety (not thinking it is because of who you are). Once you are aware of that you are alreay one step ahead of anyone who wants to attempt gaslighting or minimisation. Your eyes will close the doors to people who want to mess around with you.

I can actuall y put my finger on the exact causes of all the main issues I have had with people. I am quite a happy person when left alone or not disrupted. The best thing you can do is look at past events without any bitterness, there will be points of realisation which you just have to accept because they highlight flaws in how you saw other people at that time, not flaws in yourself.

The only people that matter are those people who know me well, I get rudeness and mistreatment walking down the street everywhere I go which I do not understand but I choose not to dwelll on it. These are just facts of life, those people are weak and ignorant. You have to be a little thick skinned and block it out, even sometimes with family they may push your buttons or go too far with humour but they are more important over time to have around you.

I should add that I have made and won serious complaints against organisations and employers for staff mistreatment including universities. Realising now with my autism that they were breaking the law in their actions. This has also helped my confidence a great deal.  Also the recognition and apologies that those people were wrong and acting unprofessionally and that systems had changed. 

HiAutismman 

I understand. I often second guess my decisions and even question if I can trust myself. It’s exhausting at times.

Hearing that others feel the same helps me feel less alone.

Thank you.

I’ve often found that I am very much blinded to what is best for me and my overall mental and physical wellbeing. Unable to have any firm grasp or confidence in my decision making leading to self doubt and self scrutiny. What is it that the self assured pull from when the going gets tough, sure everyone has doubt but does everyone doubt their very existence. 

LoneYeti said:

But you're are still the same person you were before the diagnosis :(

Some people have deep seated prejudice that all sorts of rationalisation cannot overcome.

I accepted that even after a lot of therapy herself, my wife could not shake the belief that I was tainted and was not a ticking time bomb of some kind.

Her family have their own particular mental health issues (Dysthemia in her case) and she suffered a lot of trauma in her early life so she has a complex tapestry of issues and experience shaping her world view and I have to accept her opinions and choices.

Tough as the breakup was we remain good friends and business partners so all is not lost.

HoProfessor Precise-a-bug  

Thank you, that made me smile.

It’s taken me a long time to start believing that it isn’t me who’s wrong, just that not everyone understands things in the same way.

Communication is definitely the hard part, but messages like yours remind me to hold onto my worth.

(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

Hi TheCatWoman 

Thank you, that really resonates with me. I’m starting to notice those small alarms too, the ones I used to talk myself out of.

It’s such a helpful reminder that relationships should add to your life, not drain it.

I like what you said about watching how people react, it’s a gentle way to see someone’s character without feeling like you’re testing them. I’ll remember that.(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

HiIain 

Thank you for sharing your experience  It really helps to hear from someone who’s been through something similar.

I’m working with a therapist now and starting to understand myself better through my autism and ADHD, which is a big shift.

What you said about not being able to make someone else do the same work really resonates. 

Im glad you found peace and friendship after everything. This paragraph hurts my heart. As LoneYeti said you are still the same person.

Iain said:

I've been through this process and my partner could not accept that my diagnosis, her bias was that I was mentally ill and a lesser person even after 24 years of a solid marriage. She knows that this is her prejudice but has not been able to overcome it so the result was a divorce.

Iain said:

I've been through this process and my partner could not accept that my diagnosis, her bias was that I was mentally ill and a lesser person even after 24 years of a solid marriage. She knows that this is her prejudice but has not been able to overcome it so the result was a divorce.

But you're are still the same person you were before the diagnosis :(

Lonehare12 said:

I also find it hard to know what’s normal or healthy in relationships, especially after spending years trying to fit in or please others

After a long time in a relationship I think it is quite normal for a couple to find a balance that works for them, where each will work to their strengths and the every balance will be different.

Autists are often people pleasers so it could be that your partner has adapted to let this trait of yours have some free reign in the relationship as it seems to have made you happy. I don't think it would be malicious but rather accommodating.

Lonehare12 said:

Now I’m trying to rebuild my self-worth and learn how to recognise when a relationship is balanced and respectful, rather than draining or confusing

A key part of self worth is understanding yourself. Have you spent time with a therapist really getting to grips with who you really "are" and what you really want? I recommend this as a first step otherwise you will be working with very incomplete information.

Once you understand yourself then I would advise allowing your partner to go through the same process if they are willing, then at the end have some couples therapy to discuss the new landscape, wants, needs and work through the knots in the process.

It is worth knowing at this stage that the power in the relationship is held by the party who cares less. Sounds harsh, but if you really want to work on the relationship but your partner does not, you can't make them so they dictate that you are in a position of accept it as it or go.

I've been through this process and my partner could not accept that my diagnosis, her bias was that I was mentally ill and a lesser person even after 24 years of a solid marriage. She knows that this is her prejudice but has not been able to overcome it so the result was a divorce.

I kept on with my therapy, found my own worth and have been fine - my wife and I are still great friends but the romantic side has gone.

This is just my story, everyone will have their own.

I learnt that when the first small alarms start ringing, the ones I usually talk myself out of listening too and rationalse away are the ones worth listening too. I had to first start with looking at what commonalities my relationships had, how they fed into each other and what I could do about it? I used to have a series of "best friends" where we ended up in horrible co-dependent, bringing out the worst in each other and me feeling overwhelmed, unheard and exploited. It took me a long time to get out of this cycle and to not fall back into it. The same with romantic relationships, now I've realised I don't really want either a partner or a best friend, they take to much time away from what I want to be doing, even though that might involve others. I learnt to ask 'what in this for me?' It sounds incredibly selfish, but if all we get is aggro, then why are we doing it? Other people should add positives to your life, not restrict, seek to contain, or make you fell exhausted.

One of the most important tests of people I've ever come up with, is to watch Antiques Roadshow with someone, if they can celebrate someone finding a fortune in their attic or a carboot, then they're a generous open hearted person, if they go off on one about how those people don't deserve their good luck, then they're generally a miserly, resentful type. That's totally different to someone saying the only antiques they have in thier loft is cobwebs and dead spiders and that anything they buy in a charity shop has used tissues in the pockets.

I also don't want to give the impression that I set potential friends and partners to a series of tests as I don't, but I do watch peoples reactions to theing like Antiques Roadshow, as I want to find out if we're on the same wavelength early on before I get emotionally invested.

It’s not you wots wrong… it’s them as wots not getting it. 

i suspect inside you know your true worth is far greater than the rest put together. But the problem is how to get the communication to work so the boring lot can understand what is so blindingly obvious.