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Rebuilding self-worth and recognising unbalanced relationships

Lonehare12

I was diagnosed as autistic earlier this year at 55, and over the past few months I’ve been thinking a lot about my close relationships (mum, husband)

I’m beginning to realise that they may have been quite one sided where I gave a lot emotionally but didn’t really get the same care or understanding in return.


I also find it hard to know what’s normal or healthy in relationships, especially after spending years trying to fit in or please others

Now I’m trying to rebuild my self-worth and learn how to recognise when a relationship is balanced and respectful, rather than draining or confusing.


I’d really value hearing from others who’ve gone through something similar.

How did you start to trust your judgement again, and what helped you understand what a healthy relationship actually looks and feels like?

Parents

  • I learnt that when the first small alarms start ringing, the ones I usually talk myself out of listening too and rationalse away are the ones worth listening too. I had to first start with looking at what commonalities my relationships had, how they fed into each other and what I could do about it? I used to have a series of "best friends" where we ended up in horrible co-dependent, bringing out the worst in each other and me feeling overwhelmed, unheard and exploited. It took me a long time to get out of this cycle and to not fall back into it. The same with romantic relationships, now I've realised I don't really want either a partner or a best friend, they take to much time away from what I want to be doing, even though that might involve others. I learnt to ask 'what in this for me?' It sounds incredibly selfish, but if all we get is aggro, then why are we doing it? Other people should add positives to your life, not restrict, seek to contain, or make you fell exhausted.

    One of the most important tests of people I've ever come up with, is to watch Antiques Roadshow with someone, if they can celebrate someone finding a fortune in their attic or a carboot, then they're a generous open hearted person, if they go off on one about how those people don't deserve their good luck, then they're generally a miserly, resentful type. That's totally different to someone saying the only antiques they have in thier loft is cobwebs and dead spiders and that anything they buy in a charity shop has used tissues in the pockets.

    I also don't want to give the impression that I set potential friends and partners to a series of tests as I don't, but I do watch peoples reactions to theing like Antiques Roadshow, as I want to find out if we're on the same wavelength early on before I get emotionally invested.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Hi  

    Thank you, that really resonates with me. I’m starting to notice those small alarms too, the ones I used to talk myself out of.

    It’s such a helpful reminder that relationships should add to your life, not drain it.


    I like what you said about watching how people react, it’s a gentle way to see someone’s character without feeling like you’re testing them. I’ll remember that.(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

Reply
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Hi  

    Thank you, that really resonates with me. I’m starting to notice those small alarms too, the ones I used to talk myself out of.

    It’s such a helpful reminder that relationships should add to your life, not drain it.


    I like what you said about watching how people react, it’s a gentle way to see someone’s character without feeling like you’re testing them. I’ll remember that.(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

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