Rebuilding self-worth and recognising unbalanced relationships

Lonehare12 said:

I also find it hard to know what’s normal or healthy in relationships, especially after spending years trying to fit in or please others

After a long time in a relationship I think it is quite normal for a couple to find a balance that works for them, where each will work to their strengths and the every balance will be different.

Autists are often people pleasers so it could be that your partner has adapted to let this trait of yours have some free reign in the relationship as it seems to have made you happy. I don't think it would be malicious but rather accommodating.

Lonehare12 said:

Now I’m trying to rebuild my self-worth and learn how to recognise when a relationship is balanced and respectful, rather than draining or confusing

A key part of self worth is understanding yourself. Have you spent time with a therapist really getting to grips with who you really "are" and what you really want? I recommend this as a first step otherwise you will be working with very incomplete information.

Once you understand yourself then I would advise allowing your partner to go through the same process if they are willing, then at the end have some couples therapy to discuss the new landscape, wants, needs and work through the knots in the process.

It is worth knowing at this stage that the power in the relationship is held by the party who cares less. Sounds harsh, but if you really want to work on the relationship but your partner does not, you can't make them so they dictate that you are in a position of accept it as it or go.

I've been through this process and my partner could not accept that my diagnosis, her bias was that I was mentally ill and a lesser person even after 24 years of a solid marriage. She knows that this is her prejudice but has not been able to overcome it so the result was a divorce.

I kept on with my therapy, found my own worth and have been fine - my wife and I are still great friends but the romantic side has gone.

This is just my story, everyone will have their own.

Iain said:

I've been through this process and my partner could not accept that my diagnosis, her bias was that I was mentally ill and a lesser person even after 24 years of a solid marriage. She knows that this is her prejudice but has not been able to overcome it so the result was a divorce.

But you're are still the same person you were before the diagnosis :(

Iain said:

I've been through this process and my partner could not accept that my diagnosis, her bias was that I was mentally ill and a lesser person even after 24 years of a solid marriage. She knows that this is her prejudice but has not been able to overcome it so the result was a divorce.

But you're are still the same person you were before the diagnosis :(

LoneYeti said:

But you're are still the same person you were before the diagnosis :(

Some people have deep seated prejudice that all sorts of rationalisation cannot overcome.

I accepted that even after a lot of therapy herself, my wife could not shake the belief that I was tainted and was not a ticking time bomb of some kind.

Her family have their own particular mental health issues (Dysthemia in her case) and she suffered a lot of trauma in her early life so she has a complex tapestry of issues and experience shaping her world view and I have to accept her opinions and choices.

Tough as the breakup was we remain good friends and business partners so all is not lost.