Everything changing at work post diagnosis

Ps feel free to pm if you'd like any more info about communication skills.    I'm not an expert by any means, but I've found some things helpful to know.    It's getting late so I need a break.

I found this article on a blog by new middle class dad which I think might really be helpful.    It's all about helpful boundaries and how to communicate them.    Even if you just remember a few examples initially, it could make a difference.

https://newmiddleclassdad.com/setting-boundaries-examples/

From what you're explaining, it really sounds like hes taking a critical approach rather than a constructive one.   I think i remember reading that criticism is best said as part of a positive 'sandwich' - a positive, the constructive criticism, another positive.   If he's not giving you any positives to be more balanced, then that sounds very unfair, given that you've had positive feedback in the past.

I think a lot of people, whether ND or NT would find that situation difficult and it could affect their confidence.    Are the  comments are made about your performance in front of others?

If so, I think if it was me, I'd respond quickly in front of anyone present that if he was going to criticise my work then I'd appreciate being told one to one in confidence, and not with an audience (or potential audience), so that a conversation could be had in private.

Then you might be able to say that the feedback he's giving you is coming across as a bit critical or personal, and that whilst you have autism, being autistic if approached more sensitively can mean that your skills or strengths can be encouraged and developed as part of a team.    For example honesty, fairness, attention to detail, and other characteristics are known to be strengths of being neurodiverse.   If he starts picking faults or picking you up on things, and tries to say he's being helpful or honest, point out that it's unbalanced, or if in front of people, unfair or perhaos unnecessary.

Some people seem to pick on others that they perceive as vulnerable.

If you feel uncomfortable with a conversation, it's okay to say so.    It's also okay to say you need a break from the conversation to think through what's being said, and also to say I'm thinking about this and I need to come back to you, or that you'd like this conversation to take place with a person present in a confidential setting.

Sorry if I've repeated myself.    I really think practising some communication skills could be key, and also learning about boundaries.  If I can find something online to help you more quickly I will get back to you asap.   I dont know if its okay to mention other forums.   I think you've done really well with some exercise and flexible working.    Mental health issues can affect anyone so try not to beat yourself up because youre trying your best.    It just sounds like at the least  this is a bit of a steep learning curve. 

Also you can agree or disagree with parts of what he says, or the way he says it.    It's okay to have your own opinion

Take care 

Crystal said:

 For mental health, I think foundational things like rest and sleep, good nutrition, walking or an exercise you like, a change of scene if things get stressful, time with friend(s) all can help.   But of course getting regular emotional support from a professional(s) can be really important because as youve found, friends can sometimes get worn out when listening to mh issues.

I had semi fexible working hours which helped with sleep and I try to do exercise on longer lunch breaks so I've been doing this stuff for ages as I've found it helps a lot, but they only help so much :(

My old managers have never took me aside to say I shouldn't have said something in a group chat but already this manager has and I've only had them a few weeks.

Also because I'm autistic (I guess) I say things in messages that might be construed to be blaming someone when in fact I was trying to convey I'm not blaming anyone. No one has complained about me before, quit the opposite I tend to get good performance reviews from researchers saying that would like to work with me in the future, but I'm now full of self doubt and don't want to say the wrong thing in group chats etc

Crystal said:

A long time ago, I went through something similar but I hadn't been diagnosed yet.   It sounds like a number of things are going on - your ability to do the job (it sounds as if you're able), the behaviour of your new line manager (would you say he is micromanaging and picking on you compared to other colleagues?)

I don't think there is anything intentional about it, although it does feel like there are aspects about how I act or the things I say he has noticed all the years we have worked together that he can now pick up on. Eg we have meetings and he took me aside afterwards for not looking present enough even though I was listening and I was very distressed about the situation at this point. It just feels unnecessary and It's making me feel like I can't actually do the job. Plus there are parts of the job I've been working around, like communicating via email and instant messaging to research teams instead of having in person meetings where I have to present. Then all of a sudden I am getting process stuff wrong and I feel like I'm going to do something wrong no matter what i do.

Crystal said:

If you want to explore communication skills further, you could try looking for assertiveness classes and conflict resolution classes etc.    Private companies offer them, but sometimes adult education colleges offer assertiveness classes or online providers.

I'm not very assertive which contributes to my bad mood because I know I'm not standing up for myself and it makes me feel terrible.

Iain said:

Does your therapist have a good record of helping other autists? You probably need this in order to make real progress as our needs are more complex than most therapists are trained to handle and most approaches (CBT for example) typically are ineffective without being significantly adapted.

She isn't specifically trained but I like her so I'm reluctant to get rid as she is providing a stabilising force at the moment.  

Iain said:

If you need a social element in life then I suggest finding it outside of work - the workplace seems inherently hostile for the majority of us and is a big contributer to the fact only 20-30% of autists are in full time employment.

Yeah I'm finding this out the hard way :( My autism mainly manifested in a way where people see me as just being really quiet and avoiding of manager type rolls, eg just wanting to get on with the work (dunno if I mentioned it but I'm a programmer). 

LoneYeti said:

I've got a meeting with my manager this afternoon and possibly HR which is really stressing me out

Try to see this as your chance to educate your manager as to your situation, emphasise your request to keep it confidential (to avoid being treated differently) and to have some Reasonable Adjustments considered to make life easier for you.

It is worth dropping into the conversation that because autism is a disability then there is anti-discrimination laws that cover it so the manager should read up on these before taking any action.

It should make them think twice before doing anything and ensure you get treated within the guidelines, but it is worth noting that the guidelines are pretty wooly.

Give thought to what the Reasonable Adjustments are that you need. If it is for everything to be explained to you before you do it then that probably won't happen - it is too much of an overhead for the team and will hence not be seen as "reasonable". 

You will probably have success with things like being able to wear noise cancelling headphones in the office, to have softer lighting at your desk, possibly fixed breaks if your work is compatible with these and possibly more scope to work from home (a tricky one this as many companies are stopping doing it).

Mostly focus on the small, environmental things that can help. Expecting the team to all behave differently is unrealistic so you need to manage your own expectations there.

HR are mostly going to be interested in looking out for the companies interest and making sure they are not opening themselves up to a lawsuit. They are not "on your side" because of this but if the interests align then they can act that way. It helps to know their role here.

Good luck with the meeting. Remember to write down anything you want to cover so you don't forget in the heat of the moment - and ask for written minutes of the meeting too.

Iain said:

Reading between the lines here, has your behaviour at work changed since your episode?

I get the impression that your shift in behaviour combined with the disclosure has led to your colleagues and manager looking as being a problem, someone with a mnetal health issue that they probably don't understand and are a bit wary of.

I guess my behaviour has consistently changed since 2024 when I first told someone at work what I was going though. Since then it felt like it was ok to be more visibly not ok at work. This wasn't constant, I thought there was periods where it would be calmer and until the most recent one there had been a longer period of calm. Although one of the my "allies" did say she had been worried about me way before I told anyone anything. But once it came out I've found it hard to put it back in the bottle :( Initially I didn't think the problem was work and was reluctant to be signed off or have a reduced workload. But work has become an issue now.

Looking back now I wish I had kept more of it to myself and just told therapists and doctors, certainly don't tell work I got diagnosed with autism. I'm still the same person I was before but feel like an alien now. It's also the stress of reframing everything in my life around being autistic, like not being able to realise I'm telling people things I shouldn't be about my mental health.

Iain said:

Since it is a new manager then it is probably a case of they do things differently to what you are used to. Have you sat down in private with them to discuss what your diagnosis means? That it is a disability and thus covered by discrimination law? Do HR know?

Kind of, the problem is I don't feel comfortable sharing this stuff with him and I feel belittled and being told things like I don't look present in meetings. HR know and I've had an outside assessment for reasonable adjustments, most of which I had already created due to the hybrid nature of the job. But these adjustments come into conflict with my new manager. My understanding of the situation is the two allies I was telling my problems too can't cope with me anymore they have sort of shut me out with the new manager who's management style really greats with me and I'm on edge all the time. 

It's my own fault but I wish someone had warned me this was going to happen if I continued on my course of action.

I've got a meeting with my manager this afternoon and possibly HR which is really stressing me out.

LoneYeti said:

The diagnosis triggered a bad mental health episode,

Reading between the lines here, has your behaviour at work changed since your episode?

I get the impression that your shift in behaviour combined with the disclosure has led to your colleagues and manager looking as being a problem, someone with a mnetal health issue that they probably don't understand and are a bit wary of.

LoneYeti said:

None of my previous managers have ever said things like this before

Since it is a new manager then it is probably a case of they do things differently to what you are used to. Have you sat down in private with them to discuss what your diagnosis means? That it is a disability and thus covered by discrimination law? Do HR know?

My advice would be to make sure your diagnosis is disclosed to both HR and your manager and that you conside what the Reasonable Adjustments are that you need to be able to do your job effectively.

Note that companies are not obliged to implement these is they do not consider them reasonable so there may be a bit of negotiating requited. I base this off my own experiences and those of others who have posted here over the years in a similar situation to yourself.

LoneYeti said:

I got signed off from work and started therapy

Does your therapist have a good record of helping other autists? You probably need this in order to make real progress as our needs are more complex than most therapists are trained to handle and most approaches (CBT for example) typically are ineffective without being significantly adapted.

I had a similar alienation from my colleagues when I disclosed my diagnosis - some took an active dislike to me, some were scared and most of the rest didn't know much about autism so just kept their distance as I was now an unknown quantity with mental health problems to them.

If you need a social element in life then I suggest finding it outside of work - the workplace seems inherently hostile for the majority of us and is a big contributer to the fact only 20-30% of autists are in full time employment.

See my old managers as much as they coulee be outright nasty at times they also could be lovely too (I think being on a power trip is just a side effect of a management job l) and I miss them tbh my new managers are good too but I feel that they can be less understanding of audhd having less life experiance of it all

my own family seemed to turn on me after I unpacked the fact in autistic and everything turned for are tou ok ti oh stop using it as an excuse and it’s like u tell people no saying o cant help bring overwhelmed snd emotionally disregulated is not an excuse an excused would be i cant go to work becuase I have autism or I can’t do the same thing as other becuase I have adhd 

A long time ago, I went through something similar but I hadn't been diagnosed yet.   It sounds like a number of things are going on - your ability to do the job (it sounds as if you're able), the behaviour of your new line manager (would you say he is micromanaging and picking on you compared to other colleagues?), autism (are you aware of what adjustments you need to function well?), and isolation from previous colleagues?, and how your mental health has been impacted.

Honestly, when I went through very stressful circumstances I just left, but now I realise that having someone to turn to for support can really make outcomes more positive.   Firstly, I think it might help if you had someone to talk this through with in real life.   But I know that's difficult if you're working full time.

If possible, you might find getting an appointment at your local citizens advice helpful, maybe arranging time off for an early or late appt.    They might help you think through all your options and inform you of any support, and you can go back if you get stuck. 

 I also have seen that the government offer support for situations like these through Access to Work.    Here is the link to their page, https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work

They offer communication help to stay in work.   It really could be worth exploring this.   In fact they might be good to contact straight away.

If you want to explore communication skills further, you could try looking for assertiveness classes and conflict resolution classes etc.    Private companies offer them, but sometimes adult education colleges offer assertiveness classes or online providers.

Finally, if you can afford it, there are neurodivergent therapists and counsellors if you prefer that.    If you search on google and make sure they're registered appropriately you're likely to find someone local.   

I hope something is helpful, and really hope things improve.   For mental health, I think foundational things like rest and sleep, good nutrition, walking or an exercise you like, a change of scene if things get stressful, time with friend(s) all can help.   But of course getting regular emotional support from a professional(s) can be really important because as youve found, friends can sometimes get worn out when listening to mh issues.