Everything changing at work post diagnosis

A long time ago, I went through something similar but I hadn't been diagnosed yet.   It sounds like a number of things are going on - your ability to do the job (it sounds as if you're able), the behaviour of your new line manager (would you say he is micromanaging and picking on you compared to other colleagues?), autism (are you aware of what adjustments you need to function well?), and isolation from previous colleagues?, and how your mental health has been impacted.

Honestly, when I went through very stressful circumstances I just left, but now I realise that having someone to turn to for support can really make outcomes more positive.   Firstly, I think it might help if you had someone to talk this through with in real life.   But I know that's difficult if you're working full time.

If possible, you might find getting an appointment at your local citizens advice helpful, maybe arranging time off for an early or late appt.    They might help you think through all your options and inform you of any support, and you can go back if you get stuck. 

 I also have seen that the government offer support for situations like these through Access to Work.    Here is the link to their page, https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work

They offer communication help to stay in work.   It really could be worth exploring this.   In fact they might be good to contact straight away.

If you want to explore communication skills further, you could try looking for assertiveness classes and conflict resolution classes etc.    Private companies offer them, but sometimes adult education colleges offer assertiveness classes or online providers.

Finally, if you can afford it, there are neurodivergent therapists and counsellors if you prefer that.    If you search on google and make sure they're registered appropriately you're likely to find someone local.   

I hope something is helpful, and really hope things improve.   For mental health, I think foundational things like rest and sleep, good nutrition, walking or an exercise you like, a change of scene if things get stressful, time with friend(s) all can help.   But of course getting regular emotional support from a professional(s) can be really important because as youve found, friends can sometimes get worn out when listening to mh issues.

Crystal said:

A long time ago, I went through something similar but I hadn't been diagnosed yet.   It sounds like a number of things are going on - your ability to do the job (it sounds as if you're able), the behaviour of your new line manager (would you say he is micromanaging and picking on you compared to other colleagues?)

I don't think there is anything intentional about it, although it does feel like there are aspects about how I act or the things I say he has noticed all the years we have worked together that he can now pick up on. Eg we have meetings and he took me aside afterwards for not looking present enough even though I was listening and I was very distressed about the situation at this point. It just feels unnecessary and It's making me feel like I can't actually do the job. Plus there are parts of the job I've been working around, like communicating via email and instant messaging to research teams instead of having in person meetings where I have to present. Then all of a sudden I am getting process stuff wrong and I feel like I'm going to do something wrong no matter what i do.

Crystal said:

If you want to explore communication skills further, you could try looking for assertiveness classes and conflict resolution classes etc.    Private companies offer them, but sometimes adult education colleges offer assertiveness classes or online providers.

I'm not very assertive which contributes to my bad mood because I know I'm not standing up for myself and it makes me feel terrible.

Also because I'm autistic (I guess) I say things in messages that might be construed to be blaming someone when in fact I was trying to convey I'm not blaming anyone. No one has complained about me before, quit the opposite I tend to get good performance reviews from researchers saying that would like to work with me in the future, but I'm now full of self doubt and don't want to say the wrong thing in group chats etc

Also because I'm autistic (I guess) I say things in messages that might be construed to be blaming someone when in fact I was trying to convey I'm not blaming anyone. No one has complained about me before, quit the opposite I tend to get good performance reviews from researchers saying that would like to work with me in the future, but I'm now full of self doubt and don't want to say the wrong thing in group chats etc

Ps feel free to pm if you'd like any more info about communication skills.    I'm not an expert by any means, but I've found some things helpful to know.    It's getting late so I need a break.

I found this article on a blog by new middle class dad which I think might really be helpful.    It's all about helpful boundaries and how to communicate them.    Even if you just remember a few examples initially, it could make a difference.

https://newmiddleclassdad.com/setting-boundaries-examples/

From what you're explaining, it really sounds like hes taking a critical approach rather than a constructive one.   I think i remember reading that criticism is best said as part of a positive 'sandwich' - a positive, the constructive criticism, another positive.   If he's not giving you any positives to be more balanced, then that sounds very unfair, given that you've had positive feedback in the past.

I think a lot of people, whether ND or NT would find that situation difficult and it could affect their confidence.    Are the  comments are made about your performance in front of others?

If so, I think if it was me, I'd respond quickly in front of anyone present that if he was going to criticise my work then I'd appreciate being told one to one in confidence, and not with an audience (or potential audience), so that a conversation could be had in private.

Then you might be able to say that the feedback he's giving you is coming across as a bit critical or personal, and that whilst you have autism, being autistic if approached more sensitively can mean that your skills or strengths can be encouraged and developed as part of a team.    For example honesty, fairness, attention to detail, and other characteristics are known to be strengths of being neurodiverse.   If he starts picking faults or picking you up on things, and tries to say he's being helpful or honest, point out that it's unbalanced, or if in front of people, unfair or perhaos unnecessary.

Some people seem to pick on others that they perceive as vulnerable.

If you feel uncomfortable with a conversation, it's okay to say so.    It's also okay to say you need a break from the conversation to think through what's being said, and also to say I'm thinking about this and I need to come back to you, or that you'd like this conversation to take place with a person present in a confidential setting.

Sorry if I've repeated myself.    I really think practising some communication skills could be key, and also learning about boundaries.  If I can find something online to help you more quickly I will get back to you asap.   I dont know if its okay to mention other forums.   I think you've done really well with some exercise and flexible working.    Mental health issues can affect anyone so try not to beat yourself up because youre trying your best.    It just sounds like at the least  this is a bit of a steep learning curve. 

Also you can agree or disagree with parts of what he says, or the way he says it.    It's okay to have your own opinion

Take care 

My old managers have never took me aside to say I shouldn't have said something in a group chat but already this manager has and I've only had them a few weeks.