Does anyone else struggle with family arguments?

Thank you I’ll definitely check that out!

I have been reading a book for children called "Awesome Autistic Guide To Other Humans".

The ch10 and 11 are about siblings relationships.

I thought you may like it or find it somewhat useful.

Thank you for your insight into this. I guess I had always thought once we had gotten older it would stop, but it feels like its gotten worse. I appreciate everyone makes mistakes - parents too. But I have tried to speak to my mum about this, she listens but doesn't act on it. 

I am so ready to move out, me and my partner are trying to save up but the area we live in is so expensive even for a one bedroom flat, I'm hesitant to move too far away as I have pets and I'm not sure how they would cope on a long drive. I feel very stuck at the moment. I'm unable to work but get disability benefits, even with my partners salary it's going to be hard.

Thank your for your insight in this. I do need to reflect on the fact that perhaps my sister isn't asking for this unequal treatment, but she does take advantage of it and encourage it, so she is aware of it. I still cant get past the her behaviour towards everyone, despite her knowing the way she is treated. Im just not sure what to do once I have figured out the motivations behind her actions and behaviour.

Thanks for sharing your own experiences with your relationship with your sister, i think it may be a similar case with mine - that the reason we collide so much is due to other reasons, like with your parents break up and struggles with school. I do think that our age difference causes most of the tension, perhaps this will forever be a problem between us. We have also both had very different upbringings which also plays a part. Unfortunately we have never had that bonding apologetic moment like you did with your sister. I wish that I could. But I don't think that it will ever happen. I don't know how to let go of the differential treatment and the feeling of unfairness and injustice. I know that it strains our relationship and causes the tension. The rare occasions that she is nice to me, I can't help but feel like its fake and put on, and she is saying to to be performative and not because she actually means it. I know this is error on my part. 

Thank you for your insight and advice, I really do appreciate it!

Thank you for sharing your own experience and for the advice. I think that in the meantime whilst I still have to live with my family, it might just be best to try my hardest to not talk with her, especially as lately everything turns into an argument or disagreement. i just wish I didn't tend to ruminate on things so much, but not sure how that can be resolved.

Speaking as the mother of two NT but close siblings, there's only 13 months betwen them, all I can say is, it all sounds normal and you sound normally upset. Sibblings squabble, they say horrible things to each other, deliberately hurt each other, fight and al sorts. As a parent you feel more like a refferee than anything else, you also get very bored of it, your parent may appear to be taking your sisters side because you're the elder, not fair I know, but parents are people too and get it wrong, they probably wish you were both young enough to send to your rooms or fine your pocket money or something.

Having said all that, you do sound like you're ready to start thinking about getting your own place, is that possible for you? 

It is only natural to get angry when we perceive injustices. However, if anger does not go away it can add to our problems. It is often the case that siblings are treated unequally and this is a classic cause of resentment. For example, I once heard someone talking about how their sister was given free stuff by their parents. It sounded like the woman blamed her sister for receiving these benefits. It occurred to me that two things were true. The sister was getting the favourable treatment because she was struggling and because her parents loved her. In other words, she was not directly responsible for the perceived unfairness. This does not mean that anyone was necessarily behaving perfectly. It is very hard because we can be hardwired with a primitive sense of justice. For example, before I got free prescriptions I was once a little put out that someone I perceived as healthy and rich didn't have to pay for their prescriptions. I'm ashamed about my feelings because I didn't take into account all the unwell and struggling people with the condition that made her exemption sensible. This shows that our perceptions of things are not always based on careful and logical thinking. In the real world, we may not be able to entirely forgive our siblings for behaviour or attitudes that we might not share; the best we can do is to try to work on a sense of proportion to limit the pain that is created by our inability to understand the world in the same way that they do. If we had the patience and imagination to look at things from their possibly flawed perspective then we would be able to understand some of the motivations behind what they do. However, we should be generous with ourselves for finding it difficult to appreciate what might be shaping the behaviour of others.

Recount of my own case, which may be of some use to you (numbered cause I like it):

1. When young, my sister and I would physically hurt each other, we would break doors by punching or kicking them, smash each other's loved items, lock each other in a room,...I would describe it as insane both back then and now. Why were we like that? I can still remember the "boiling blood" feeling; I dedicated part of my life to understand that (mostly through meditation.)
2. The reasons why we were so anxious and violent: parents breaking up, being blunt (she) and being very shy (me) which caused us social problems; my father is likely autistic and always had terrible ways to treat us. Frequently breaking up with friends -due to begin misunderstood but also we were just unfit for social groups.
3. Things between us only got better when we were 15 or so (we are one year apart). I could see in her eyes she loved me and even tried protecting me many times. I called her up to talk in the sofa. I told her I loved her, and that I suffer when I hurt her, or when we say horrible things to each other etc.
4. I remember her eyes were so sweet, and I was trying not to cry. She was waiting for that moment, and we hugged.
5. From then on, our fights started slowing down, but did not disappear until we eventually had distant lives (in different cities.)
6. When we were around 22 years old, we lived together for a year, we knew we both had our issues, so she designed a day of the week to clean, and to cook, and we interacted some but not a lot, and things went well for that year.
7. It is quite hard when you love each other, maybe even more sincerely and deeply than other siblings do, but your personality traits and external pressures that get loaded into your mind, get in the way.

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Replies (my answer below your italicised question):

I really struggle to let things go and tend to ruminate on things, especially injustices and times when there’s been no apologies - they just ignore it and act as if it never happened, which is what I struggle the most with.

I relate to that. My sister and I would insist in having the other one apologising, for long days...None of us would apologise much due to fear of getting punished by my parents -for example.

Am I in the wrong for not knowing better? Should I know better for being older and arguing/disagreeing with someone nearly 10 years younger than me? Am I expected to ignore blatant insulting comments and basically slurs? (Genuine question.) 

No, you are not in he wrong for not knowing better; however, there is another side to this, even if we can't imagine it. One important part was said by you: accumulation of tension. So I think this points to targeting a broader context, and not this particular situation.

I won't give direct advice, but I do recommend considering the following: We autistic people look at details, maybe this is too fine-grained for her age. Maybe you'd need to rather look at: What are her aims, and goals? Is she doing or saying nice things to me ever? Is she behaving like this just in front of me, or is it in general? etc. 

And have no consequences for! I admit I am a very literal and rule following black and white thinker autistic. Which is why I need help in understanding these situations.

I hope I've given you some context, some from my own bad past experiences, and that it does not sound contrarian, although I may have pushed back a little, but with best intentions.

My sister had more obvious struggles. I was just quiet and did what I was told. There was daily unequal treatment. I just retreated to my own world.

I wanted to be a grown up so I didn't have to follow everyone else's rules. I rarely insulted anyone and was polite. I followed rules, even if I didn't agree with them, and tend to have black and white thinking.

I left home at 18 to go to uni, which was very hard, having been so isolated. I then got a job and lived away.

I've barely spoken to my sister in 20 years, I don't know where she lives. I have nothing on common.

I'm not sure what to suggest.

If you can't move away you have to find a way to cope. If you can't ignore things, you could try writing things down. You might see a pattern. You might be able to see if you are making mistakes.

You may have to just not engage with certain topics.

Perhaps you just need some of you own interests that get you out of the house more, so this stuff is less important.

I think a lot of the rumination is down to lack of confidence and looking for something, what mistakes did I make, why don't they agree. Have confidence in your view, don't worry about theirs.

If you want to check things try asking chatGPT. Tell it what you said, what the other person said and ask it what it thinks. Ask it if there is a way what you said could be misunderstood. Ask if there are other ways to phrase it. You might be surprised that what you say is not interpreted how you expect sometimes. Don't get hurt if it disagrees with you. Just think about it and reflect. Then maybe try something and see what happens, like little experiments.

Good luck.

I am very sorry for your troubles.. 

I understand you, I have had several arguments growing up. They stopped long time ago but I got late diagnosed at 34 with ASD and yesterday I got into an argument with my family, one in a very long time. 

It opened my eyes to the fact that if they are not neurodivergent, they will never understand us. Yesterday I was trying to explain to them how my brain works, I say something and my mom say something like "yeah, I also overthink doesn't mean I have ASD" "Yeah, your cousin doesn't like sending Happy Holiday messages too but she is fine" "Why do you need to write a post like that it's really unnecessary, people will judge you" which made me very angry and argumentative for her trying to dismiss me. 

My sister has AuDHD, she get into arguments with them almost every day 

I understand it's not the same situation as my family appears more understanding and they don't bully us, but it really get into our nerves because to us we logically think that family should be the one understanding us the most. Now i started to think they will never do. 

So, that being said, I decided not to talk to them anymore about that part of my life. How I think and how my brain works .. Etc. Because it will irritate all of us with nowhere to go. So I will go to my previous way of dealing with it before getting diagnosed, nod my head and do something distracting afterwards. Walks helps me, singing loudly helps me, someone safe and understanding to talk with helps. 

Unfortunately ruminating will never magically go away, but you will have to make an effort to break it off right after the event happens, if you don't do it right after the event, it will be severe. If you break it off right after the event, it will still happen but not as severe and eventually it will go away. 

• Are you getting caught up in these arguments?

Yes but not intentionally, when you started to see you have the aurge to say something, excuse yourself and do something to break up your thoughts.. You will have to find your thing. Again for me, long walks, singing loudly, talking to another person who understands me can be either or all together. If you want to try. 

• Taking it too personally?

Yes but because you see them logically not emotionally

• Justified for being angry?

Yes but they will never understand your anger because they can't see the logic of it. Hopefully not yet, people learn as they grow older.

Hope this helps