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Does anyone else struggle with family arguments?

Ems

I know that sibling and parent arguments are perhaps part of growing up, but I’m 22 and still find myself in arguments with my younger sibling. I really struggle to let things go and tend to ruminate on things, especially injustices and times when there’s been no apologies - they just ignore it and act as if it never happened, which is what I struggle the most with. I’ll always try to admit when I’m wrong and apologise, but I seem to be the only one to do so. I know it might sound stupid to obsess over such things, but it really gets to me and upsets me, I find myself thinking what was said over and over again, and eventually convince myself I was in the wrong, even when I’m probably not. 

Am I in the wrong for not knowing better? As I’ve gotten older I have learned to just ignore certain comments and know when others are just looking for an argument. But sometimes, some things are hard to ignore.I overheard my younger sibling talking with a friend and using an insult at the expense of autistic people, a word usually used to insult and discriminate against those with learning disabilities. I couldn’t help but say something and it turned into an argument she wouldn’t let go of. I perhaps did get carried away and got too angry, but these things build up and there has always been tension and unresolved arguments between us. I know this may just be a thing that happens between siblings, but I know that my sibling has taken part in bullying an autistic girl at her school and is constantly rude to my mum and myself. There constant wrongdoings build up and up and I can’t let them go. 

I’m really struggling to know the line between knowing when to stop arguing and when it’s justified. I constantly seem to end up being the one in the wrong at the end of arguments and disagreements, with no consequences for my sibling, hence why she carries on. Should I know better for being older and arguing/disagreeing with someone nearly 10 years younger than me? Am I expected to ignore blatant insulting comments and basically slurs? (Genuine question.) 

Other members of my family disregard and excuse my siblings behaviour because there has been some things happen i.e. family deaths and struggles in school. Which I do understand, but those things have also affected me, yet I get no sympathy or such understanding. I struggle to feel empathy towards her when she has caused others harm and struggles. My mum is constantly defending my siblings actions and words, and says nothing when she is screamed at and spoken to terribly - something I would’ve had consequences for at her age. That’s what makes this so much harder - the obvious unequal treatment. I have tried to calmly talk about this with my family, but I get dismissed and told that I should know better for being older. 

I grew up undiagnosed and incredibly anxious, as well as being closeted for a long time with my family. I know what it’s like to struggle as a teenager. But I never once bullied others, or used insult's or discriminating phrases. Which is why I really struggle to understand how others can, and so easily too. And have no consequences for! I admit I am a very literal and rule following black and white thinker autistic. Which is why I need help in understanding these situations.

I get a lot of anxiety over these situations and ruminate on it for days and it’s really affecting my wellbeing. But I feel ridiculous for being so bothered by it. This is only the tip of the iceberg and so much more has transgressed in my family; and I know a lot of people go no contact with family members, which isn’t something I want to do in the future, but I don’t know how much longer I can listen to such things. Especially when I currently still live with my family. 

Am I getting too caught up in these disagreements? Taking it too personally? Or am I justified in being angry? (Genuine questions.) 

Parents

  • It is only natural to get angry when we perceive injustices. However, if anger does not go away it can add to our problems. It is often the case that siblings are treated unequally and this is a classic cause of resentment. For example, I once heard someone talking about how their sister was given free stuff by their parents. It sounded like the woman blamed her sister for receiving these benefits. It occurred to me that two things were true. The sister was getting the favourable treatment because she was struggling and because her parents loved her. In other words, she was not directly responsible for the perceived unfairness. This does not mean that anyone was necessarily behaving perfectly. It is very hard because we can be hardwired with a primitive sense of justice. For example, before I got free prescriptions I was once a little put out that someone I perceived as healthy and rich didn't have to pay for their prescriptions. I'm ashamed about my feelings because I didn't take into account all the unwell and struggling people with the condition that made her exemption sensible. This shows that our perceptions of things are not always based on careful and logical thinking. In the real world, we may not be able to entirely forgive our siblings for behaviour or attitudes that we might not share; the best we can do is to try to work on a sense of proportion to limit the pain that is created by our inability to understand the world in the same way that they do. If we had the patience and imagination to look at things from their possibly flawed perspective then we would be able to understand some of the motivations behind what they do. However, we should be generous with ourselves for finding it difficult to appreciate what might be shaping the behaviour of others.

  • in reply to Kautsky99

    Thank your for your insight in this. I do need to reflect on the fact that perhaps my sister isn't asking for this unequal treatment, but she does take advantage of it and encourage it, so she is aware of it. I still cant get past the her behaviour towards everyone, despite her knowing the way she is treated. Im just not sure what to do once I have figured out the motivations behind her actions and behaviour.

Reply
  • in reply to Kautsky99

    Thank your for your insight in this. I do need to reflect on the fact that perhaps my sister isn't asking for this unequal treatment, but she does take advantage of it and encourage it, so she is aware of it. I still cant get past the her behaviour towards everyone, despite her knowing the way she is treated. Im just not sure what to do once I have figured out the motivations behind her actions and behaviour.

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