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Does anyone else struggle with family arguments?

Ems

I know that sibling and parent arguments are perhaps part of growing up, but I’m 22 and still find myself in arguments with my younger sibling. I really struggle to let things go and tend to ruminate on things, especially injustices and times when there’s been no apologies - they just ignore it and act as if it never happened, which is what I struggle the most with. I’ll always try to admit when I’m wrong and apologise, but I seem to be the only one to do so. I know it might sound stupid to obsess over such things, but it really gets to me and upsets me, I find myself thinking what was said over and over again, and eventually convince myself I was in the wrong, even when I’m probably not. 

Am I in the wrong for not knowing better? As I’ve gotten older I have learned to just ignore certain comments and know when others are just looking for an argument. But sometimes, some things are hard to ignore.I overheard my younger sibling talking with a friend and using an insult at the expense of autistic people, a word usually used to insult and discriminate against those with learning disabilities. I couldn’t help but say something and it turned into an argument she wouldn’t let go of. I perhaps did get carried away and got too angry, but these things build up and there has always been tension and unresolved arguments between us. I know this may just be a thing that happens between siblings, but I know that my sibling has taken part in bullying an autistic girl at her school and is constantly rude to my mum and myself. There constant wrongdoings build up and up and I can’t let them go. 

I’m really struggling to know the line between knowing when to stop arguing and when it’s justified. I constantly seem to end up being the one in the wrong at the end of arguments and disagreements, with no consequences for my sibling, hence why she carries on. Should I know better for being older and arguing/disagreeing with someone nearly 10 years younger than me? Am I expected to ignore blatant insulting comments and basically slurs? (Genuine question.) 

Other members of my family disregard and excuse my siblings behaviour because there has been some things happen i.e. family deaths and struggles in school. Which I do understand, but those things have also affected me, yet I get no sympathy or such understanding. I struggle to feel empathy towards her when she has caused others harm and struggles. My mum is constantly defending my siblings actions and words, and says nothing when she is screamed at and spoken to terribly - something I would’ve had consequences for at her age. That’s what makes this so much harder - the obvious unequal treatment. I have tried to calmly talk about this with my family, but I get dismissed and told that I should know better for being older. 

I grew up undiagnosed and incredibly anxious, as well as being closeted for a long time with my family. I know what it’s like to struggle as a teenager. But I never once bullied others, or used insult's or discriminating phrases. Which is why I really struggle to understand how others can, and so easily too. And have no consequences for! I admit I am a very literal and rule following black and white thinker autistic. Which is why I need help in understanding these situations.

I get a lot of anxiety over these situations and ruminate on it for days and it’s really affecting my wellbeing. But I feel ridiculous for being so bothered by it. This is only the tip of the iceberg and so much more has transgressed in my family; and I know a lot of people go no contact with family members, which isn’t something I want to do in the future, but I don’t know how much longer I can listen to such things. Especially when I currently still live with my family. 

Am I getting too caught up in these disagreements? Taking it too personally? Or am I justified in being angry? (Genuine questions.) 

Parents

  • Recount of my own case, which may be of some use to you (numbered cause I like it):

    1. When young, my sister and I would physically hurt each other, we would break doors by punching or kicking them, smash each other's loved items, lock each other in a room,...I would describe it as insane both back then and now. Why were we like that? I can still remember the "boiling blood" feeling; I dedicated part of my life to understand that (mostly through meditation.)
    2. The reasons why we were so anxious and violent: parents breaking up, being blunt (she) and being very shy (me) which caused us social problems; my father is likely autistic and always had terrible ways to treat us. Frequently breaking up with friends -due to begin misunderstood but also we were just unfit for social groups.
    3. Things between us only got better when we were 15 or so (we are one year apart). I could see in her eyes she loved me and even tried protecting me many times. I called her up to talk in the sofa. I told her I loved her, and that I suffer when I hurt her, or when we say horrible things to each other etc.
    4. I remember her eyes were so sweet, and I was trying not to cry. She was waiting for that moment, and we hugged.
    5. From then on, our fights started slowing down, but did not disappear until we eventually had distant lives (in different cities.)
    6. When we were around 22 years old, we lived together for a year, we knew we both had our issues, so she designed a day of the week to clean, and to cook, and we interacted some but not a lot, and things went well for that year.
    7. It is quite hard when you love each other, maybe even more sincerely and deeply than other siblings do, but your personality traits and external pressures that get loaded into your mind, get in the way.

    -----

    Replies (my answer below your italicised question):

    I really struggle to let things go and tend to ruminate on things, especially injustices and times when there’s been no apologies - they just ignore it and act as if it never happened, which is what I struggle the most with.

    I relate to that. My sister and I would insist in having the other one apologising, for long days...None of us would apologise much due to fear of getting punished by my parents -for example.

    Am I in the wrong for not knowing better? Should I know better for being older and arguing/disagreeing with someone nearly 10 years younger than me? Am I expected to ignore blatant insulting comments and basically slurs? (Genuine question.) 

    No, you are not in he wrong for not knowing better; however, there is another side to this, even if we can't imagine it. One important part was said by you: accumulation of tension. So I think this points to targeting a broader context, and not this particular situation.

    I won't give direct advice, but I do recommend considering the following: We autistic people look at details, maybe this is too fine-grained for her age. Maybe you'd need to rather look at: What are her aims, and goals? Is she doing or saying nice things to me ever? Is she behaving like this just in front of me, or is it in general? etc. 

    And have no consequences for! I admit I am a very literal and rule following black and white thinker autistic. Which is why I need help in understanding these situations.

    I hope I've given you some context, some from my own bad past experiences, and that it does not sound contrarian, although I may have pushed back a little, but with best intentions.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Thanks for sharing your own experiences with your relationship with your sister, i think it may be a similar case with mine - that the reason we collide so much is due to other reasons, like with your parents break up and struggles with school. I do think that our age difference causes most of the tension, perhaps this will forever be a problem between us. We have also both had very different upbringings which also plays a part. Unfortunately we have never had that bonding apologetic moment like you did with your sister. I wish that I could. But I don't think that it will ever happen. I don't know how to let go of the differential treatment and the feeling of unfairness and injustice. I know that it strains our relationship and causes the tension. The rare occasions that she is nice to me, I can't help but feel like its fake and put on, and she is saying to to be performative and not because she actually means it. I know this is error on my part. 

    Thank you for your insight and advice, I really do appreciate it!

  • in reply to Ems

    I have been reading a book for children called "Awesome Autistic Guide To Other Humans".

    The ch10 and 11 are about siblings relationships.

    I thought you may like it or find it somewhat useful.

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