The divorce experience

I think theres a difference between compromise and codependence, I don't think modifying who you are is a healthy basis for a relationship. But that's just me and I feel as though I've been the one making all the compromises in relationships and I've come to the realisation that I'm not cut out for relationships.

Don't we all do as we're told when we're young? Growing up is about finding out who we are not who society says we have to be.

Travelling would be great, imagine the adventure you could have, the world is your oyster. Paint as in art or painting walls? 

Thanks, maybe travelling wherever I'd like to go would be cool. My existing hobby of painting is enough seeing as it takes me 7 hours to paint something most times!5

15 years is a long time, a lot can change in that time, even ourselves. You may even not really remember who you were before you met that person. Is there anything you’d like to do that you didn’t perhaps do before? Taking up new hobbies might be the best thing for you to make yourself feel better, I would recommend signing up to a gym if you haven’t already and doing some weights or tread mill, whatever you would prefer. You need to be reminded of what it feels like to look after yourself.

Autismman said:

there’s no time limit

Very important for me to acknowledge. I keep wondering how long till I feel better, can move on. Maybe it'll be never, that's it.

Thanks for this, I appreciate it. 

Well to answer your last question I was weak because I just did what people told me was right. School told me to get qualifications, parents told me to get a degree, get a job be a professional. They weren't wrong - life is better amd easier with money. Because of my partner I broke that programming and became me. 

I still feel wrong saying it but I am an artist, that's what I love and need. She helped me get there. 

You suggest codependence but I disagree. I think making changes and modifying who you are makes a relationship. It makes it a partnership not just two individuals living together. 

But whatever, it didn't work for me I guess, maybe I was wrong

Routine is comfort, we can often take that comfort for granted. It’s easy to stay in that bubble while it lasts and not see anything going on outside of it. Same house, same people, same bed, same furniture layout, it all adds up to a feeling of being protected and knowing what to expect. It’s hard enough to break up when you don’t have autism but adding these persistent traits certainly can make the journey to a better place much more troublesome. It will take time to adjust, there’s no time limit, don’t expect too much of yourself, it’s important that you are kind to yourself also.

I want to write somethings that may feel uncomfortable for you, please don't take them the wrong way, this is just me and my experiences of being the one on the recieving end of such help.

I've been the one who's been "supported" to give up "bad habits" and reform my lifestyle a bit, to make me more respectable, in all my relationships. Sometimes I was in a mess and needed help and I'm gratefull that I was supported, but and it's a big but, what happens when I become well again? I found that this sort of power imbalance, where one partner is always supporting and fixing the other is a recipe for co-dependence, where The Fixer needs the partner to continue needing to be fixed in some way and will create things to fix, They will also become "sick" themselves, to the point where the partner can no longer cope and is in need of fixing again. It's incredibly hard to break this cycle and often splitting up is the only things that will work.

In this situation, I've come to feel that I'm not loved or wanted for me, but as a project, a project that will boost my partners need for ego boosting at the expense of mine, after all look at what he's made me into! But where am I in all this, is there room for me? Whilst some of my behaviours might have been problematic, it feels like several babies got thrown out with the bathwater, things I value/d and liked about myself, even if they were awkward and maybe not to be spoken about in "polite company", whatever that is, again it's something not decided by me, I'm rarely asked if I like these "polite" people.

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How did you go from being a week man into who you are now? Would you say that you becme a strong man to be proud of and why?

Eyes said:

I suppose my main problem is I was already comfortable with who I was, that took till my mid 30's to achieve.

From our couples therapy and other reading I did afterwatds it became clear that in a long term relationship there are 3 parties - you, them and the relationship as its own entity.

The relationship needs to be constantly nurtured and nourished, not taken for granted and always considered whatever you do.

Of course your partner needs these as well and yourself naturally, but it becomes much too easy to become comfortable, focus mostly on ourselves and leave the relationship on cruise control.

From what I understand this is how to keep things healthy and loving for the long term - it takes effort and lots of compromise.

When us autists are suffering burnout we rarely have time for the relationship nurturing so it makes it extra hard to maintain long term relationships.

I would say I grew as me in the relationship. I started a weak man and ended up someone I am proud to be. I didn't lose identity but I lost so much, I feel like an ocean without land.

Autismman said:

That one person didn’t give you purpose as such but they were a core feature of your day to day being, life was predictable, you knew what to expect I would imagine

Hits the mark there I guess, though it's tough to say as you want to think it's all about love but a lot of it was I felt more comfortable in my life with my partner than I ever had. That involves routine and predictability - I suppose that's probably what I miss. Not all of it but a great deal

Hello Eyes  sorry to hear you are going through a bit of a rough patch. I can’t relate to the divorce however I can relate to a change in reality, a dramatic one that leaves you feeling a little lost as to “what’s next”. Life can feel a bit like travelling without a map after a break up, you can also lose a bit of yourself for a while until you remember who you really are without that person. That one person didn’t give you purpose as such but they were a core feature of your day to day being, life was predictable, you knew what to expect I would imagine. It’s very hard for some autistic people to let others in, they really do have to have some magical qualities or at least we have to believe they do. They can be our best friend as well as romantic partner. Glad you posted though, there’s a lot of nice people here.

I can understand all you have put and in your initial question.

It gives purpose and a focus and your own bubble. You can lose your own identity.

I think the problem is avoiding being taken for granted or giving too much, or getting into an unhealthy setup where you look for some reward. particularly if the other person becomes unpredictable.

I liked modifying myself to suit another person, making changes to myself to make another person happy. Supporting them and what they needed and changing bad habits like drinking too much or being selfish. I feel a certain affinity with being helpful to others rather than being just my own self.

I'm 39, I thought I knew who I was and maybe I actually do - I just feel I need another person to make me work. 

I was diagnosed Autistic at 37ish (can't remember exactly) and have masked very successfully, good career etc. but I always get the feeling people are uncomfortable around me, that I'm weird. I guess having a partner made me feel like I was doing well - succeeding like they told me to do in school. I also felt calm, loved and laughed a lot. 

Sorry all over the place, I'm just confused.

What restrictions did you enjoy? Are you afraid that if you have no one to restrict your actions or thoughts, you'll run amok and do something bad or mad?

Have you wondered if you're a victim of your own success? That you built your partner up and gave him the solid base he needs to live the rest of his life, I think your support was probably very worthwhile, just not in the way you anticipated.

There's plenty of people, causes etc that need rescuing, a knight in shining armour, but when your at home take the armour off at the door, hang it on a hook and just be you.

Thank you for this, I'm glad you ignored them and went back to Uni. I find people telling you you've wasted your money are usually just judging your decisions anyway and that's not their right.

I suppose independence is great but enforced independence that I've been given is a bitter thing I have to work out. 

Thanks again

Thank you for this, I suppose my main problem is I was already comfortable with who I was, that took till my mid 30's to achieve. It's ok being with myself - if I am being honest I liked the restrictions a partner gave, also I have always felt best as a supporter to others - building them up and giving a solid base. Now I feel useless, like that support wasn't worth much.

I've been in therapy off and on for years and even trained to be a counsellor myself (though I dropped out). I think for me an existential counsellor would be best as I am looking for purpose and meaning but that's a rarity. 

Sorry, rambling on. I appreciate your help thanks for this.

Eyes said:

I'm looking for motivation, some reason for optimism and to see if anyone has tips on trying again when the life you knew has come to an end.

For me learning to love myself and not be dependant on others for valdation was important. I had moulded myself so much to be the "other half" of a relationship for 24 years and when that person couldn't accept my diagnosis and wanted to leave then I had to do that cliched thing of "finding myself".

I worked with my psychotherapist on this as well as my autistic issues and it has taught me much more self awareness, understanding of my qualities (good and bad) and the ability to accept and love myself. There is no need to define yourself by the company you keep.

The practical side took longer as we had to go from one home to two but this was achieved and all the expenses of furnishing two homes on top of the purchase and renovation was quite a hit, but I'm savouring my complete independence now.

I find I can now do what I want, when I want, watch the TV I want without criticism, eat the foods I like (I keep it fairly healthy) and when I feel the need for company or a fling then dating apps let me take care of that.

With time I imagine I will want to settle down again but for now there is much to be enjoyed being single and with plenty of time on my hands.

I think my ex envies how well I have adapted to the changes and seem to be enjoying life but we remain good friends and even business partners so this can be a difficult balance to maintain.

If you are looking for recommendations - start with a bit of support from a professional (a therapist that is, not ladies of negotiable affection) and through understanding yourself, build your life for you.

I used to go out just so as I could come home to an empty house and revel in it, there was no mess and everything was where I'd left it, it felt so blissful. There were some very lonely times too especially at weekends and bank holidays when all of my friends were doing thngs with partners and family, I often felt like I'd been put back in the toy box and wouldn't be taken out again until monday.

But I also knew that even had I still been married I would still be feeling alone as my ex husbands idea of fun was a new computer game. So I started walking, I'd just take myself off for walks. Eventually I made different friends and got into another relationship, which was great until that when wrong too, then I decided I was going to go to university. I got a lot of kickback from that, endless lectures about money, wasting my life blah blah blah, that was far harder to deal with than the whole application process. Uni was great one of the best things I've ever done and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.