The divorce experience

Eyes said:

I'm looking for motivation, some reason for optimism and to see if anyone has tips on trying again when the life you knew has come to an end.

For me learning to love myself and not be dependant on others for valdation was important. I had moulded myself so much to be the "other half" of a relationship for 24 years and when that person couldn't accept my diagnosis and wanted to leave then I had to do that cliched thing of "finding myself".

I worked with my psychotherapist on this as well as my autistic issues and it has taught me much more self awareness, understanding of my qualities (good and bad) and the ability to accept and love myself. There is no need to define yourself by the company you keep.

The practical side took longer as we had to go from one home to two but this was achieved and all the expenses of furnishing two homes on top of the purchase and renovation was quite a hit, but I'm savouring my complete independence now.

I find I can now do what I want, when I want, watch the TV I want without criticism, eat the foods I like (I keep it fairly healthy) and when I feel the need for company or a fling then dating apps let me take care of that.

With time I imagine I will want to settle down again but for now there is much to be enjoyed being single and with plenty of time on my hands.

I think my ex envies how well I have adapted to the changes and seem to be enjoying life but we remain good friends and even business partners so this can be a difficult balance to maintain.

If you are looking for recommendations - start with a bit of support from a professional (a therapist that is, not ladies of negotiable affection) and through understanding yourself, build your life for you.

Thank you for this, I suppose my main problem is I was already comfortable with who I was, that took till my mid 30's to achieve. It's ok being with myself - if I am being honest I liked the restrictions a partner gave, also I have always felt best as a supporter to others - building them up and giving a solid base. Now I feel useless, like that support wasn't worth much.

I've been in therapy off and on for years and even trained to be a counsellor myself (though I dropped out). I think for me an existential counsellor would be best as I am looking for purpose and meaning but that's a rarity. 

Sorry, rambling on. I appreciate your help thanks for this.

What restrictions did you enjoy? Are you afraid that if you have no one to restrict your actions or thoughts, you'll run amok and do something bad or mad?

Have you wondered if you're a victim of your own success? That you built your partner up and gave him the solid base he needs to live the rest of his life, I think your support was probably very worthwhile, just not in the way you anticipated.

There's plenty of people, causes etc that need rescuing, a knight in shining armour, but when your at home take the armour off at the door, hang it on a hook and just be you.

I think theres a difference between compromise and codependence, I don't think modifying who you are is a healthy basis for a relationship. But that's just me and I feel as though I've been the one making all the compromises in relationships and I've come to the realisation that I'm not cut out for relationships.

Don't we all do as we're told when we're young? Growing up is about finding out who we are not who society says we have to be.

Thanks for this, I appreciate it. 

Well to answer your last question I was weak because I just did what people told me was right. School told me to get qualifications, parents told me to get a degree, get a job be a professional. They weren't wrong - life is better amd easier with money. Because of my partner I broke that programming and became me. 

I still feel wrong saying it but I am an artist, that's what I love and need. She helped me get there. 

You suggest codependence but I disagree. I think making changes and modifying who you are makes a relationship. It makes it a partnership not just two individuals living together. 

But whatever, it didn't work for me I guess, maybe I was wrong

I want to write somethings that may feel uncomfortable for you, please don't take them the wrong way, this is just me and my experiences of being the one on the recieving end of such help.

I've been the one who's been "supported" to give up "bad habits" and reform my lifestyle a bit, to make me more respectable, in all my relationships. Sometimes I was in a mess and needed help and I'm gratefull that I was supported, but and it's a big but, what happens when I become well again? I found that this sort of power imbalance, where one partner is always supporting and fixing the other is a recipe for co-dependence, where The Fixer needs the partner to continue needing to be fixed in some way and will create things to fix, They will also become "sick" themselves, to the point where the partner can no longer cope and is in need of fixing again. It's incredibly hard to break this cycle and often splitting up is the only things that will work.

In this situation, I've come to feel that I'm not loved or wanted for me, but as a project, a project that will boost my partners need for ego boosting at the expense of mine, after all look at what he's made me into! But where am I in all this, is there room for me? Whilst some of my behaviours might have been problematic, it feels like several babies got thrown out with the bathwater, things I value/d and liked about myself, even if they were awkward and maybe not to be spoken about in "polite company", whatever that is, again it's something not decided by me, I'm rarely asked if I like these "polite" people.

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How did you go from being a week man into who you are now? Would you say that you becme a strong man to be proud of and why?

I would say I grew as me in the relationship. I started a weak man and ended up someone I am proud to be. I didn't lose identity but I lost so much, I feel like an ocean without land.

I would say I grew as me in the relationship. I started a weak man and ended up someone I am proud to be. I didn't lose identity but I lost so much, I feel like an ocean without land.

I think theres a difference between compromise and codependence, I don't think modifying who you are is a healthy basis for a relationship. But that's just me and I feel as though I've been the one making all the compromises in relationships and I've come to the realisation that I'm not cut out for relationships.

Don't we all do as we're told when we're young? Growing up is about finding out who we are not who society says we have to be.

Thanks for this, I appreciate it. 

Well to answer your last question I was weak because I just did what people told me was right. School told me to get qualifications, parents told me to get a degree, get a job be a professional. They weren't wrong - life is better amd easier with money. Because of my partner I broke that programming and became me. 

I still feel wrong saying it but I am an artist, that's what I love and need. She helped me get there. 

You suggest codependence but I disagree. I think making changes and modifying who you are makes a relationship. It makes it a partnership not just two individuals living together. 

But whatever, it didn't work for me I guess, maybe I was wrong

I want to write somethings that may feel uncomfortable for you, please don't take them the wrong way, this is just me and my experiences of being the one on the recieving end of such help.

I've been the one who's been "supported" to give up "bad habits" and reform my lifestyle a bit, to make me more respectable, in all my relationships. Sometimes I was in a mess and needed help and I'm gratefull that I was supported, but and it's a big but, what happens when I become well again? I found that this sort of power imbalance, where one partner is always supporting and fixing the other is a recipe for co-dependence, where The Fixer needs the partner to continue needing to be fixed in some way and will create things to fix, They will also become "sick" themselves, to the point where the partner can no longer cope and is in need of fixing again. It's incredibly hard to break this cycle and often splitting up is the only things that will work.

In this situation, I've come to feel that I'm not loved or wanted for me, but as a project, a project that will boost my partners need for ego boosting at the expense of mine, after all look at what he's made me into! But where am I in all this, is there room for me? Whilst some of my behaviours might have been problematic, it feels like several babies got thrown out with the bathwater, things I value/d and liked about myself, even if they were awkward and maybe not to be spoken about in "polite company", whatever that is, again it's something not decided by me, I'm rarely asked if I like these "polite" people.

************************

How did you go from being a week man into who you are now? Would you say that you becme a strong man to be proud of and why?