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The divorce experience

Eyes

Hi All,

I had a good response to my last post so thought I'd try another about something I'd love to hear from others about.

I have recently finalised a divorce after a 15 year relationship, I had been with this person most of my adult life and am approaching my 40's now. 

There's lots I would like to know about others experience but most importantly for me is to see how others with Autism have experienced divorce and if you felt you could move on, what eventually helped give your life meaning again?

For me, I split with my partner 8 months ago. We were very kind to one another through the process and acted with decency so the process was not as bad as it could be. However, now its been 2 months since the divorce finalised, I'm living alone and while I'm coping I'm just so very sad and lonely. I loved my partner very deeply and trusted them completely. As an Autistic person this didn't happen easily and I just feel like my life peaked and now I just exist. 

I suppose I'm looking for motivation, some reason for optimism and to see if anyone has tips on trying again when the life you knew has come to an end.

Thanks for any responses, this is a tricky one so no worries if people would rather not comment!

Parents
  • Eyes said:
    I'm looking for motivation, some reason for optimism and to see if anyone has tips on trying again when the life you knew has come to an end.

    For me learning to love myself and not be dependant on others for valdation was important. I had moulded myself so much to be the "other half" of a relationship for 24 years and when that person couldn't accept my diagnosis and wanted to leave then I had to do that cliched thing of "finding myself".

    I worked with my psychotherapist on this as well as my autistic issues and it has taught me much more self awareness, understanding of my qualities (good and bad) and the ability to accept and love myself. There is no need to define yourself by the company you keep.

    The practical side took longer as we had to go from one home to two but this was achieved and all the expenses of furnishing two homes on top of the purchase and renovation was quite a hit, but I'm savouring my complete independence now.

    I find I can now do what I want, when I want, watch the TV I want without criticism, eat the foods I like (I keep it fairly healthy) and when I feel the need for company or a fling then dating apps let me take care of that.

    With time I imagine I will want to settle down again but for now there is much to be enjoyed being single and with plenty of time on my hands.

    I think my ex envies how well I have adapted to the changes and seem to be enjoying life but we remain good friends and even business partners so this can be a difficult balance to maintain.

    If you are looking for recommendations - start with a bit of support from a professional (a therapist that is, not ladies of negotiable affection) and through understanding yourself, build your life for you.

Reply
  • Eyes said:
    I'm looking for motivation, some reason for optimism and to see if anyone has tips on trying again when the life you knew has come to an end.

    For me learning to love myself and not be dependant on others for valdation was important. I had moulded myself so much to be the "other half" of a relationship for 24 years and when that person couldn't accept my diagnosis and wanted to leave then I had to do that cliched thing of "finding myself".

    I worked with my psychotherapist on this as well as my autistic issues and it has taught me much more self awareness, understanding of my qualities (good and bad) and the ability to accept and love myself. There is no need to define yourself by the company you keep.

    The practical side took longer as we had to go from one home to two but this was achieved and all the expenses of furnishing two homes on top of the purchase and renovation was quite a hit, but I'm savouring my complete independence now.

    I find I can now do what I want, when I want, watch the TV I want without criticism, eat the foods I like (I keep it fairly healthy) and when I feel the need for company or a fling then dating apps let me take care of that.

    With time I imagine I will want to settle down again but for now there is much to be enjoyed being single and with plenty of time on my hands.

    I think my ex envies how well I have adapted to the changes and seem to be enjoying life but we remain good friends and even business partners so this can be a difficult balance to maintain.

    If you are looking for recommendations - start with a bit of support from a professional (a therapist that is, not ladies of negotiable affection) and through understanding yourself, build your life for you.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for this, I suppose my main problem is I was already comfortable with who I was, that took till my mid 30's to achieve. It's ok being with myself - if I am being honest I liked the restrictions a partner gave, also I have always felt best as a supporter to others - building them up and giving a solid base. Now I feel useless, like that support wasn't worth much.

    I've been in therapy off and on for years and even trained to be a counsellor myself (though I dropped out). I think for me an existential counsellor would be best as I am looking for purpose and meaning but that's a rarity. 

    Sorry, rambling on. I appreciate your help thanks for this.