How do you let go of regrets and the pervasive feeling that you’ll fail life

I believe that 'Human Rejection is God's Protection'.

After failing to achieve the Career, I sought, following Graduation, I then began to learn so much more about life.

My philosophy is that every day's a School Day. Learning never ends. I used to be suchg a know-it-all. That gave me diddly-squat. I was a Performing Bear, rather than a Boy and Young Man. Now, I learn to prioritise myself.

Plus, in my part of the World, people expect cradle-to-grave dependency to be the norm. I, on the other hand, wanted to grow; as a Man. I ignored the White Noise, out there, and quietly proceeded to live my own life. Life starts when you exit your comfort zone.

To go on a trip to Japan and get some work there. I don't think doing that will answer all my problems, but t would be something I would like.

aurelis said:

breaking things down into smaller components is not something I’m used to

It is quite easy when you get the hang of it. Can you give me an example of a goal / ambition etc that you have been puting off? I can give examples of how to break it down and you can have a go.

For me the key thing is to JFDI (just flippin' do it) - start the list (even if it is only a start), do a task, research and document another aspect or whatever as every bite you take from the whale means there is one bite less to go to complete it.

I think that the truism that people regret things they have not done more than things that they have tried and failed at, has an element of truth in it. I have found that it is sometimes necessary to do things that are uncomfortable, even horribly so, in order to reach greater goals. I have always found examinations to be very stressful, both the run up and being in a large hall crowded with other stressed people in the exam itself. However, I forced myself to do them repeatedly, because I knew that they were passports to a career I wanted.

Not sure if you are a regular user of social media but it’s all too easy for some to judge themselves by what others have or are accomplishing. It’s important to find a place in the world that suits, you have to be incredibly selfish about it because you cannot live an unhappy life. I am assuming if you are here you are either diagnosed or have a strong suspicion you view the world differently from the general population. If you are autistic then take a step back and truly ask yourself what you want and not what you think is the norm. You are capable of making choices, doubting them is part of being human, doesn’t mean you have failed if you regret a decision at some point in your life but at the end of the day put yourself first and no one else.

I have been doing the same thing, partly in my case as a sort of mid life crisis. There are lots of things I wanted and different paths I could have taken.

But I used to live my life as Metallica put in Damage inc., f*** it and ***ing no regrets.

It has saved me a number of times from unhelpful rumination.

Forwards to victory. Just make sure you don't get paralysed and do nothing. The clock is ticking, so doing something, anything, is better than nothing.

Things happen and you can't know the future. Sometimes it best to just go with it and see what comes up. But you have to be out there, not hiding. Make yourself visible even if it is uncomfortable.

I see, thank you. I think that I'm always considering 'what would be my story if someone asks', and I've always felt disappointed when sharing, even though others would say otherwise. I even think of what stories could I share that I would share with my future kids, which is in itself an unnecessary pressure.

It definitely helped! thank you! especially not sharing things with some people. I feel I have support around me, but also sometimes I don't give people also the context necessary for them to give me better advice. I'm used to sharing things to frame things in a way that I get the response I expect, rather than the support I really want.

thank you for this. I find myself often fantasising about another lives that I could've led and almost believe that this is real. Sometimes this stops me from taking the action I need to take, or makes me think of things more theoretically speaking than in reality. Or I'm thinking about 'what path do I take in order to have a story that is worth telling', or what options should be the one i take, rather than the path I actually want.

I hear that. I always think I am an inadequate human being, that has no way to connect to the real world. And especially since I've always held onto the fact that achievements make me valid, letting that go is a scary thought, especially the constant feeling that I need to have that to show how I'm 'managing' in life. Why I'm judging myself so harshly? i think i expect so much of myself, socially especially, and the perceived thought that i've 'failed' the socialising aspect, and feel so dislodged with how the world works, that I beat on myself so I can feel that I connect with the world around me better. It's obviously not helped though

Thank you for this, I've found the need often to want to control the direction of the stream, even though it is not possible to be able to control the stream because of the way life is.

Thank you for this, I’ve always found it difficult to scale back and take small steps, and so it means I’m putting off starting the thing in the first place. I think part of me feels as if because I believe I haven’t got to where I want to already, that I’ve failed and that puts me off from starting. 

Also breaking things down into smaller components is not something I’m used to. I’m used to imagining the final result almost to a fantasy state where I imagine I’ve done something when I actually haven’t.

aurelis said:

im scared I’ll live a life unfulfilled with unfulfilled dreams

The simplest solution is to do something about it. Sounds too simple but it works.

I use mind mapping to look at an ambition / dream / goal and build up an understanding of everything that is required to reach it. At this stage it looks daunting as heck but it pays to remember an old saying here. "How do you eat a whale? One bite at a time".

So now start breaking down this big, complex list of things you need to do to reach that target and make them into smaller, managable tasks. It is likely to be a long list but it is important to keep it.

Now work out the sequence of things - identify dependancies and requirements and arrange the list in this order. Now pin a copy on the wall.

Set aside time every single day to work on this. It may be completing a task or just researching some aspect in more depth to help later. Cross off the tasks you complete.

Every week look at the list. Look at what you have completed and give yourself a pat on the back for getting that done. If something came up and you had no time them plan ahead and make even more time next week or just accept that you have delayed the plan.

Before long you have  made big inroads into the process and be reviewing all you have completed you can feel the progress accumulating, getting yourself closer to the target and this builds your confidence.

The first time I did this was when I wanted to move from the UK to Germany for a few years to work, save up a nest egg then move to Brazil for a warmer climate. It took 3 months to get everything done, get a good job there and use a really good accountant to help me set up my company to help me use the local tax laws to best advantage.

It should be noted that I didn't need to learn German to do any of this. It may seem odd but it can be done.

Just remember the whale,

I think to be at peace you need to give up striving for an illustrious life, everyone has an interesting sotry to tell, I think and by the sounds of it your story has barely begun. According to the worlds eyes I'd be a failure, I own very little, I have multiple health problems, I've never had a career, I'm 63 and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Yet people find the crazy journey my life has been fascinating, with all its crazy tangents, the strange and wonderful people I've met and almost all of it with no hint of a plan.

Sometimes in the life of a river; natural events occur which happen to shift the course of the river compared to how it was drawn on the map before.

The map needs an update, as opposed to the river.

After all, the river now still flows and its water still reaches the required destination - it is just that the route, shape and speed of the river more recently may be different (or more interesting) in places. 

Necessary progress is still made.

There is no judgement of a "right" or "wrong" route.

Ah, sorry, i thought it might have helped.   Im not a therapist or counsellor, and perhaps one or someone else could say something more helpful.   

I think a lot of people struggle to let go of the self belief that they are in some way an inadequate human being, I know I sure do. Somewhere down the line I was taught that achievements meant you are a valid person, worthwhile, success means you are morally and culturally an acceptable person just like everyone else. This way of thinking becomes hardwired into our everyday lives and it’s quite destructive to our overall confidence and long term ability to feel good about ourselves. Once you ask yourself why you are judging yourself so harshly and being your own worst critic then hopefully you’ll start the journey into understanding the root causes behind the problems you face. 

I haven’t, I tend to not do things like this because I’ve felt that I need to punish myself for the ‚failure’ mentally. I also struggle to trust myself because I’ve wrote things down and not stuck with them (mind you, the things I say will help me improve are often way overambitious, which leads me into a cycle of not being able to reach it.

Hi aurelis, im glad that youre able to think through the initial steps youd like to take.

As for reframing the 'failure', have you ever tried 'brainstorming' or 'mindmapping' where things went wrong, and highlighting insights and lessons learned?

If you think of your life as a line, it goes along and then branches. Each branch is a decision. Whether they are big or small, each changes the path you follow. 

If each decision has 2 options, to keep it simple, if you make 5 decisions a day you have 32 paths. You can see there are millions of paths in your life. You cannot know, or predict them.

Some may join up again later, many will be successful. You do not even know what success looks like. Which career, partner, house is the optimum one? Impossible to know. One decision does not define the end point.

Whatever path you follow is path you are following. You cannot follow more than one. A good one may be a dead end that led to lots of failure paths.

The path you are on is the best one because you have to make it the best one. Look forward and pick the best path from where you are.

There will always be more options.

All you can ask is the vision to see the paths, the wisdom to choose wisely, the courage to act. 

For each decision you could think about it or just toss a coin. I sometimes use a coin and let fate decide.

Chance encounters can change everything. E.g. you choose to go to a coffee shop one day, you meet someone, you start talking, they may have a job opening.

Apply for another scholarship, apply again, do something else, do something better.