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How do you let go of regrets and the pervasive feeling that you’ll fail life

aurelis

Hey,

I had an opportunity through a programme to go to Japan last year via a scholarship programme. I applied to it, rushing the application and quickly submitting it. I forgot about it until I was invited to an interview two months later. I went to the interview with a friend, and despite not preparing ( last minute person here), I got through.

i felt pressure on whether or not to go, and I had other projects I was doing that in hindsight, could’ve been adjusted to fit this trip or dropped off. I’ve always wanted to go Japan, and yet I rushed into the application without any research and some family said not to go, because how I was managing myself, some told me to go.

i didn’t go forward, despite passing that first interview. I briefly kept in touch with them for the rest of the year, but now this year, I feel that I’ve done nothing much to show them my growth. I don’t even know if I’ll apply again out of shame

i haven’t been able to move on at all, and the regret weighs heavy on me everyday. I’m scared that by looking back on this and other opportunities, that because I lacked discipline and focus and was trying to do everything, I missed out on things I really wanted to do. 

I feel as if I’m trying to catch up, and with the shame held on of not being like the NTs or even other NDs in terms of just being connected to the world around me a bit more, I feel like a failure. I’m doing some teaching at the moment, and I constantly feel like a failure in front of these kids. Even though I get on with them, I started the job jumbled up and doing far too much work than I needed to, and struggled to ask for help.

im scared I’ll live a life unfulfilled with unfulfilled dreams, and despite little parent trauma, feel like there’s an angry parent constantly beating on me telling me I’m a failure and I’ll amount to nothing.

i don’t know if this is an autistic thing or a me thing. Probably both. I live my life unsatisfied, holding onto big massive dreams without any real reason behind them or any small steps planned. I can’t let go of failures, and this one I’ve held for 18 months, and others for years longer. 

Parents
  • aurelis said:
    im scared I’ll live a life unfulfilled with unfulfilled dreams

    The simplest solution is to do something about it. Sounds too simple but it works.

    I use mind mapping to look at an ambition / dream / goal and build up an understanding of everything that is required to reach it. At this stage it looks daunting as heck but it pays to remember an old saying here. "How do you eat a whale? One bite at a time".

    So now start breaking down this big, complex list of things you need to do to reach that target and make them into smaller, managable tasks. It is likely to be a long list but it is important to keep it.

    Now work out the sequence of things - identify dependancies and requirements and arrange the list in this order. Now pin a copy on the wall.

    Set aside time every single day to work on this. It may be completing a task or just researching some aspect in more depth to help later. Cross off the tasks you complete.

    Every week look at the list. Look at what you have completed and give yourself a pat on the back for getting that done. If something came up and you had no time them plan ahead and make even more time next week or just accept that you have delayed the plan.

    Before long you have  made big inroads into the process and be reviewing all you have completed you can feel the progress accumulating, getting yourself closer to the target and this builds your confidence.

    The first time I did this was when I wanted to move from the UK to Germany for a few years to work, save up a nest egg then move to Brazil for a warmer climate. It took 3 months to get everything done, get a good job there and use a really good accountant to help me set up my company to help me use the local tax laws to best advantage.

    It should be noted that I didn't need to learn German to do any of this. It may seem odd but it can be done.

    Just remember the whale,

Reply
  • aurelis said:
    im scared I’ll live a life unfulfilled with unfulfilled dreams

    The simplest solution is to do something about it. Sounds too simple but it works.

    I use mind mapping to look at an ambition / dream / goal and build up an understanding of everything that is required to reach it. At this stage it looks daunting as heck but it pays to remember an old saying here. "How do you eat a whale? One bite at a time".

    So now start breaking down this big, complex list of things you need to do to reach that target and make them into smaller, managable tasks. It is likely to be a long list but it is important to keep it.

    Now work out the sequence of things - identify dependancies and requirements and arrange the list in this order. Now pin a copy on the wall.

    Set aside time every single day to work on this. It may be completing a task or just researching some aspect in more depth to help later. Cross off the tasks you complete.

    Every week look at the list. Look at what you have completed and give yourself a pat on the back for getting that done. If something came up and you had no time them plan ahead and make even more time next week or just accept that you have delayed the plan.

    Before long you have  made big inroads into the process and be reviewing all you have completed you can feel the progress accumulating, getting yourself closer to the target and this builds your confidence.

    The first time I did this was when I wanted to move from the UK to Germany for a few years to work, save up a nest egg then move to Brazil for a warmer climate. It took 3 months to get everything done, get a good job there and use a really good accountant to help me set up my company to help me use the local tax laws to best advantage.

    It should be noted that I didn't need to learn German to do any of this. It may seem odd but it can be done.

    Just remember the whale,

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for this, I’ve always found it difficult to scale back and take small steps, and so it means I’m putting off starting the thing in the first place. I think part of me feels as if because I believe I haven’t got to where I want to already, that I’ve failed and that puts me off from starting. 

    Also breaking things down into smaller components is not something I’m used to. I’m used to imagining the final result almost to a fantasy state where I imagine I’ve done something when I actually haven’t.