Hey,
I had an opportunity through a programme to go to Japan last year via a scholarship programme. I applied to it, rushing the application and quickly submitting it. I forgot about it until I was invited to an interview two months later. I went to the interview with a friend, and despite not preparing ( last minute person here), I got through.
i felt pressure on whether or not to go, and I had other projects I was doing that in hindsight, could’ve been adjusted to fit this trip or dropped off. I’ve always wanted to go Japan, and yet I rushed into the application without any research and some family said not to go, because how I was managing myself, some told me to go.
i didn’t go forward, despite passing that first interview. I briefly kept in touch with them for the rest of the year, but now this year, I feel that I’ve done nothing much to show them my growth. I don’t even know if I’ll apply again out of shame
i haven’t been able to move on at all, and the regret weighs heavy on me everyday. I’m scared that by looking back on this and other opportunities, that because I lacked discipline and focus and was trying to do everything, I missed out on things I really wanted to do.
I feel as if I’m trying to catch up, and with the shame held on of not being like the NTs or even other NDs in terms of just being connected to the world around me a bit more, I feel like a failure. I’m doing some teaching at the moment, and I constantly feel like a failure in front of these kids. Even though I get on with them, I started the job jumbled up and doing far too much work than I needed to, and struggled to ask for help.
im scared I’ll live a life unfulfilled with unfulfilled dreams, and despite little parent trauma, feel like there’s an angry parent constantly beating on me telling me I’m a failure and I’ll amount to nothing.
i don’t know if this is an autistic thing or a me thing. Probably both. I live my life unsatisfied, holding onto big massive dreams without any real reason behind them or any small steps planned. I can’t let go of failures, and this one I’ve held for 18 months, and others for years longer.
