Unable to think how I want

I've had a lot of this stuff too, it's really hard to fight back too. I think you can tell a lot about your opinions from how people react to them, if you get told you're wrong and stupid, then the person saying this stuff knows nothing or next to nothing and are probably having a reflex "no" reaction, if they make some sort of meaningful attempt to engage with your opinion and have a conversation about it then its worth listening to and talking about.

I've found a lot of people like to have someone they can feel "better than", that they can belittle to boost their own feelings of self worth. TO be honest I just stopped engaging with such people, stopped saying anything that was going to set them off spluttering and found people who did take me seriously. I found it better to have one person I could have a proper conversation with than loads of people who shut me down everytime I opened my mouth. One ex friend asked me what I needed to know "all this stuff for" and how did I find out about it, she was a bit shocked when I said I'd watched the secret life of farm animals on bbc, but she didn't approve of me studying and stuff like that. 

I have challenged such people and I get a lot of spluttering and huffing, it's really because they feel threatened by you, what you say, what you know and understand and they fear their own ignorance and inability to articulate what they believe and think. So they belittle you, say things like "everybody" knows that, its keeps you in a nice box on a shelf. You can pop out of your box, jump off the shelf and be you, but be prepared for a lot of kickback, be very clear on what you're talking about. Maybe seek some counselling and assertiveness training?

Ugh tell me about the kick backs. It like happens every time and I just don’t have it in me to fight back and if I try I always fail. I mean I’m away from all those bullies now but yeah it still lingers. It’s like something bad has been implanted into my mind and that bad thing has grown and keeps growing and there are multiple bad things. I have done quite a few different counselling/therapies in the past but I’ve not really got along with the therapists or if I have they have just suddenly dropped me saying they can’t help me(even when paying private) so I guess I have lost confidence there. I worry I have treatment resistant issues but I suppose that’s probably something I’d need to speak with the gp about more. Thanks for replying anyway 

Ugh tell me about the kick backs. It like happens every time and I just don’t have it in me to fight back and if I try I always fail. I mean I’m away from all those bullies now but yeah it still lingers. It’s like something bad has been implanted into my mind and that bad thing has grown and keeps growing and there are multiple bad things. I have done quite a few different counselling/therapies in the past but I’ve not really got along with the therapists or if I have they have just suddenly dropped me saying they can’t help me(even when paying private) so I guess I have lost confidence there. I worry I have treatment resistant issues but I suppose that’s probably something I’d need to speak with the gp about more. Thanks for replying anyway 

You maybe able to find some video's etc online, or a group in your area. Assertiveness training is basically teaching you to find your voice and verbally stand up for yourself in a non aggressive, non threatening way. It's a good skill for anyone to have.

I don't know how some people can live with themselves either, my rule of behavior with others is, can I do/say that and still be able to look myself in the eye in the mirror, if I can't then I don't do or say it. Self respect and self honesty are my foundations to living well, it's not always easy and I do sometimes get it wrong. But sometimes I wonder if I have a concience that knowingly watches me do the wrong thing, just so as its got something to beat me with later.

I can also agree to that 

TheCatWoman said:

I felt like I was living on the outside of my skin everything felt raw and words stung me like blown sand, everyone seemed to have a storm force aura which battered me

That is such evocative prose! I can so connect with both the meaning and feel it in my minds eye.

Aww thank you so much for that. I have been discussing that I could be dealing with ptsd/cptsd and been debating about whether I should try some emdr, I don’t know if that’s the option or if need a proper diagnosis first but I’ll do my research. I’ve never heard of assertive training, is that something you can do yourself or would I have to have a therapist? I will make a note either way. Yes I defo been let down by the people who were meant to be helping me, I mean it’s like they just take advantage of the issues to make them feel better, I don’t know how people can live like that personally. I’m so sorry you have been through basically exactly the same as what I’ve been and still going through, it is so hard and say I may never fully recover either but as you say sometimes it’s best to start off small. Sending hugs 

I don't believe you have treatment resistant issues, I'm not sure I believe anyone does, you've certainly been let down very badly by those who are supposed to be helping you. I'd try finding one who's familiar with ND people. I used to be you, so beaten down by life the memories, the flash backs, I felt like I was living on the outside of my skin everything felt raw and words stung me like blown sand, everyone seemed to have a storm force aura which battered me. I have recovered, I'm not going to say totally, but I've been a long time in remission, I've learnt how to unwire the big red buttons that send me spiralling into PTSD, panic and not believing I can do anything right and that I must be the wrongest thing in creation. 

I wonder if you'd benefit from some assertiveness training, if can learn to assert yourself a bit better, even if its a quiet meow rather than a full on roar, then you'll have something to build on. Once you have a base, however rickety it feels you can start building out from it, building your life that you live on your terms.

Lots of love and hugs to you, I hear you and am here for you.