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Unable to think how I want

Elfilis

Long story short I’ve been bullied growing up but now I feel I have got to a point where I am unable to think for myself. For example I’m unable to have an opinion because I’m told what I think isn’t right and genuine. Also suffering with extreme guilt and shame with what I like as I was told I think I like what I like but I actually don't apparently. Now it’s like a voice in my head is nagging me all the time and I just feel so rubbish about myself and it’s leading to burnouts. When it comes to things I like, etc gaming, I keep thinking I’m not meant to enjoy them because if I’m happy then I’m weaker and also if the characters were real they would freak out seeing me and hate me. I’ve deprived myself from things that I thought made me happy and I feel rubbish and weaker. I question myself do I really like what I think I like? Tried various therapies but they don’t seem to be working and worried I’m just gonna get worse as time goes on and feel it’s too late to get better mentally. 
Hope this makes sense

Has anyone been able to relate? If so is there any advice? 

Parents

  • I've had a lot of this stuff too, it's really hard to fight back too. I think you can tell a lot about your opinions from how people react to them, if you get told you're wrong and stupid, then the person saying this stuff knows nothing or next to nothing and are probably having a reflex "no" reaction, if they make some sort of meaningful attempt to engage with your opinion and have a conversation about it then its worth listening to and talking about.

    I've found a lot of people like to have someone they can feel "better than", that they can belittle to boost their own feelings of self worth. TO be honest I just stopped engaging with such people, stopped saying anything that was going to set them off spluttering and found people who did take me seriously. I found it better to have one person I could have a proper conversation with than loads of people who shut me down everytime I opened my mouth. One ex friend asked me what I needed to know "all this stuff for" and how did I find out about it, she was a bit shocked when I said I'd watched the secret life of farm animals on bbc, but she didn't approve of me studying and stuff like that. 

    I have challenged such people and I get a lot of spluttering and huffing, it's really because they feel threatened by you, what you say, what you know and understand and they fear their own ignorance and inability to articulate what they believe and think. So they belittle you, say things like "everybody" knows that, its keeps you in a nice box on a shelf. You can pop out of your box, jump off the shelf and be you, but be prepared for a lot of kickback, be very clear on what you're talking about. Maybe seek some counselling and assertiveness training?

Reply

  • I've had a lot of this stuff too, it's really hard to fight back too. I think you can tell a lot about your opinions from how people react to them, if you get told you're wrong and stupid, then the person saying this stuff knows nothing or next to nothing and are probably having a reflex "no" reaction, if they make some sort of meaningful attempt to engage with your opinion and have a conversation about it then its worth listening to and talking about.

    I've found a lot of people like to have someone they can feel "better than", that they can belittle to boost their own feelings of self worth. TO be honest I just stopped engaging with such people, stopped saying anything that was going to set them off spluttering and found people who did take me seriously. I found it better to have one person I could have a proper conversation with than loads of people who shut me down everytime I opened my mouth. One ex friend asked me what I needed to know "all this stuff for" and how did I find out about it, she was a bit shocked when I said I'd watched the secret life of farm animals on bbc, but she didn't approve of me studying and stuff like that. 

    I have challenged such people and I get a lot of spluttering and huffing, it's really because they feel threatened by you, what you say, what you know and understand and they fear their own ignorance and inability to articulate what they believe and think. So they belittle you, say things like "everybody" knows that, its keeps you in a nice box on a shelf. You can pop out of your box, jump off the shelf and be you, but be prepared for a lot of kickback, be very clear on what you're talking about. Maybe seek some counselling and assertiveness training?

Children
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Ugh tell me about the kick backs. It like happens every time and I just don’t have it in me to fight back and if I try I always fail. I mean I’m away from all those bullies now but yeah it still lingers. It’s like something bad has been implanted into my mind and that bad thing has grown and keeps growing and there are multiple bad things. I have done quite a few different counselling/therapies in the past but I’ve not really got along with the therapists or if I have they have just suddenly dropped me saying they can’t help me(even when paying private) so I guess I have lost confidence there. I worry I have treatment resistant issues but I suppose that’s probably something I’d need to speak with the gp about more. Thanks for replying anyway