Networking embarrassment

You can do it, really. It's just practice.

Limit yourself to 3 points or questions on any topic. Each point can only be a couple of sentences.

Don't worry about being honest, and long as you are not rude or too blunt, e.g. if someone asks about the food don't say its revolting, say its not my favourite, or I'd rather have a burger.

Pick something you can see to talk about. E.g. did you find the chairs comfy, what do think of the pattern on the curtains, the lights are a bit bright, the carpet is a bit worn out don't you think. You will likely point out something they have not noticed, then they will be interested.

Remember, it is not that important what you say.

Also consider that it is a 2-way process, so you can allow them room to speak. You don't have to fll every silence.

If you know, which amount of information is right and how to talk superficial, then it’s good for you. I decided to avoid talking about aliens. And I have no idea what else I can talk about. I turn out to be too honest, go too much into details etc. I can’t assess correctly what is right and wrong. Which info I can dump, how much etc.

At a business related social function with drinks and some nibbles, is that actually still true these days?

Do women need to do anything different when it comes to socialising or small talk?

Is it just pressure you are putting yourself under. Are you're expectations really needed?

I always expect myself to reach a higher standard than other people, I don't know why, but it is hard work. Just like I expect myself to put up with things I wouldn't expect anyone else to.  It seems to be a trait to undervalue yourself. I assume it is part of people-pleasing which I guess is related to masking.

Also I think an important factor is that generally the way women are expected to interact at something like this is very different from men. 

You don't need to be interested in football, for example. You are only asking to get the other person to say something. It is fine if you say that you don't know much about it but would rather watch fishing or golf, or read a book.

It is why it is small talk. It is just to make some connection and exchange business cards, the questions and answers mostly aren't that important.

You could say you are interested in space. Nothing wrong with that. Just accept that most likely you will only be talking for a few minutes, as people won't want to go into depth. Aliens is a bit more tricky, as there's a lot of conspiracy stuff and rather dubious stuff online. It is also all speculation. It would be better to talk about why it is so popular rather than specific details. But keep it fairly brief. Be prepared to drop the subject and move on, which I know is hard and disappointing.

Someone asked me about roses, I gave some superficial answer for a few mins and they thought I had given them a lot of info. And I try not to overdo it. So I know it is hard to limit yourself on something you are interested in.

If I ask someone about watching football match, they answer, they expect same from me, but my knowledge about football itself is comparable to being illiterate, no interest in it at all. So then I would only embarrass myself or I just have to admit, I habe no idea about this topic. Plus I would most likely not even know that there is a match tonight. Because I have no TV and hardly ever watch anything that is not alien or space related. Whenever I start taking about my hobby, others smile to me somehow and avoid me then. I was bullied because of that, I was laughed at and told they I grew up in a cave. How could possibly a grown up woman not know so many popular things. The very thought that I eould have to get interested with at least few other things makes me fear them.

I agree. You can ask simple questions, like did you come far, do you go to many of these, what was the best/worst bit, then pick something from the day, such as what did you think of the food, and maybe something random or topical like are you watching the football tonight. You don't need much and you can ask the same thing to each person, you don't have to think of new or witty things for each one.

You do need to have answers for your own questions though if they ask it back to you.

The main issue is just how to start. There is no easy way for this other than to just walk up and say hello. 

Thank you for the advice, but for me it’s not simple at all. Few reasons:

1. I get lost in a conversation, because it’s too fast and I have slower processing speed (as I call it), I ask a question, they speak, gesticulate, I get lost. I stop understanding, what they say. Often applies to women, but not only. It’s not about foreign language- in my mother language is exactly sane.

2. it’s too loud environment. A group of people talking everyone about something different, I have no chance to understand, what the person next to me says. 

3. It’s really hard to keep trying to create more and more questions and topics, especially with these two points listed on top.

i can read body language to some extent, quite often misread, or don’t catch subtle cues, ambiguity etc. so making small talk is a hard job. Enjoying it is for me impossible.

Alien0n3arth said:

I hate hearing, “just go and chat with others”. I don’t know how

It is remakably simple - read up on how to make small talk and ask open ended questions. If you can do this then it will often more than compensate for many of the typical autistic issues of not being able to read body language, monotone voice, difficulty making eye contact etc.

It takes courage to put it into action however and I think many autists fail to try, afraid of failure so completely aviding the possibility of demonstrating that they are capable to do it.

The learning is fairly simple so I won't dwell on that, but I always found it much easier to not think about it at the events, just go on autopilot and flit from group to group and not dwell on how well it went or how successful I was. 

Keeping other threads in my mind really helped (eg the subject matter of the event and any objectives I had) helped me from thinking about me and more on the subject matter.

At the end of the night I would be exhasted but almost always came away with contacts, knowledge and interesting leads for my work or career.

This is my whole life experience. I hate hearing, “just go and chat with others”. I don’t know how and others don’t understand how possibly someone could have problem with it.

I also struggle to start or end. I did need to mingle. 

My husband just told me it’s because I was trying to talk to them about the subject the conference is about. But they don’t want to talk about that - just drink and “chat ****” as he put it. It didn’t occur to me to talk about something other than the conference subject (which I’m v interested in). Thanks for the kind advice. I hope your event goes well tonight! x

I have never been comfortable networking but fortunately it’s not been a critical part of my job. Small talk which is a big feature of this kind of thing is a nightmare. I think you can get better at this kind of thing but in my view it will come with a price. It will burn a lot of energy and depends on balance whether it’s worth it….

Whoa crazy! I have a 1 1/2 hour drinks and networking session tonight, too! That’s kind of spooky, lol. I’m a little worried about the event, because I’m pretty awkward socially. I tend to be a wallflower at events like these.

 I feel like Stuart333 is right on with:

Stuart333 said:

Don't worry about it. It's practice. It won't matter.

Now you've noticed you can do better next time.

Whenever I make mistakes that I mull over in my mind long after it happens, I try to see it as an opportunity for growth. You can learn from your mistakes and do better next time. Don’t let your confidence be completely shattered by this experience.

Maybe limit yourself by time, e.g. 5 mins. I always struggle to start or end though, so 'mingling' is hard. I sometimes just wait for people to come to me or just sit down and watch. If you do something different to everyone else, someone will notice and come over.

Depends on how much you want or need to mingle. And whether people might want to talk to you.

It’s hard to remember in the moment if I get excited.

Don't worry about it. It's practice. It won't matter.

Now you've noticed you can do better next time.

I've learnt to keep things a bit shorter, also give them a chance to say something. Then ask if they want to know more.