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Networking embarrassment

Nexus-7

I feel so embarrassed. I went to a conference today. At the end they had 1 1/2 hr “drinks and networking” session. I was feeling awkward and I kept finding I was standing in a group where people would pair off into individual conversations and I was standing there still but kind of alone. Or people would say, “Must go and mingle.” 

So then I would move to another group and I say hi and same would happen. I was trying to be super aware of myself, ask them questions, etc.

But then I started talking to someone and thought it was going well so I relaxed. He brought up a topic I’m really interested in and I got excited and started talking about it enthusiastically. Then I suddenly realised he was looking at me weird. So I stopped talking and he muttered, “Nice to meet you,” and walked off really fast. 

Now I realise I was just going on about it. And didn’t ask him enough. And I feel sad and humiliated. My confidence is completely shattered. 

I was diagnosed this year, I’m 47. I feel so much worse about everything now I realise I’m not just “socially awkward”, I’m autistic. 

Parents

  • This is my whole life experience. I hate hearing, “just go and chat with others”. I don’t know how and others don’t understand how possibly someone could have problem with it.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth
    Alien0n3arth said:
    I hate hearing, “just go and chat with others”. I don’t know how

    It is remakably simple - read up on how to make small talk and ask open ended questions. If you can do this then it will often more than compensate for many of the typical autistic issues of not being able to read body language, monotone voice, difficulty making eye contact etc.

    It takes courage to put it into action however and I think many autists fail to try, afraid of failure so completely aviding the possibility of demonstrating that they are capable to do it.

    The learning is fairly simple so I won't dwell on that, but I always found it much easier to not think about it at the events, just go on autopilot and flit from group to group and not dwell on how well it went or how successful I was. 

    Keeping other threads in my mind really helped (eg the subject matter of the event and any objectives I had) helped me from thinking about me and more on the subject matter.

    At the end of the night I would be exhasted but almost always came away with contacts, knowledge and interesting leads for my work or career.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for the advice, but for me it’s not simple at all. Few reasons:

    1. I get lost in a conversation, because it’s too fast and I have slower processing speed (as I call it), I ask a question, they speak, gesticulate, I get lost. I stop understanding, what they say. Often applies to women, but not only. It’s not about foreign language- in my mother language is exactly sane.

    2. it’s too loud environment. A group of people talking everyone about something different, I have no chance to understand, what the person next to me says. 

    3. It’s really hard to keep trying to create more and more questions and topics, especially with these two points listed on top.

    i can read body language to some extent, quite often misread, or don’t catch subtle cues, ambiguity etc. so making small talk is a hard job. Enjoying it is for me impossible.

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  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for the advice, but for me it’s not simple at all. Few reasons:

    1. I get lost in a conversation, because it’s too fast and I have slower processing speed (as I call it), I ask a question, they speak, gesticulate, I get lost. I stop understanding, what they say. Often applies to women, but not only. It’s not about foreign language- in my mother language is exactly sane.

    2. it’s too loud environment. A group of people talking everyone about something different, I have no chance to understand, what the person next to me says. 

    3. It’s really hard to keep trying to create more and more questions and topics, especially with these two points listed on top.

    i can read body language to some extent, quite often misread, or don’t catch subtle cues, ambiguity etc. so making small talk is a hard job. Enjoying it is for me impossible.

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