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Networking embarrassment

Nexus-7

I feel so embarrassed. I went to a conference today. At the end they had 1 1/2 hr “drinks and networking” session. I was feeling awkward and I kept finding I was standing in a group where people would pair off into individual conversations and I was standing there still but kind of alone. Or people would say, “Must go and mingle.” 

So then I would move to another group and I say hi and same would happen. I was trying to be super aware of myself, ask them questions, etc.

But then I started talking to someone and thought it was going well so I relaxed. He brought up a topic I’m really interested in and I got excited and started talking about it enthusiastically. Then I suddenly realised he was looking at me weird. So I stopped talking and he muttered, “Nice to meet you,” and walked off really fast. 

Now I realise I was just going on about it. And didn’t ask him enough. And I feel sad and humiliated. My confidence is completely shattered. 

I was diagnosed this year, I’m 47. I feel so much worse about everything now I realise I’m not just “socially awkward”, I’m autistic. 

Parents

  • This is my whole life experience. I hate hearing, “just go and chat with others”. I don’t know how and others don’t understand how possibly someone could have problem with it.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth
    Alien0n3arth said:
    I hate hearing, “just go and chat with others”. I don’t know how

    It is remakably simple - read up on how to make small talk and ask open ended questions. If you can do this then it will often more than compensate for many of the typical autistic issues of not being able to read body language, monotone voice, difficulty making eye contact etc.

    It takes courage to put it into action however and I think many autists fail to try, afraid of failure so completely aviding the possibility of demonstrating that they are capable to do it.

    The learning is fairly simple so I won't dwell on that, but I always found it much easier to not think about it at the events, just go on autopilot and flit from group to group and not dwell on how well it went or how successful I was. 

    Keeping other threads in my mind really helped (eg the subject matter of the event and any objectives I had) helped me from thinking about me and more on the subject matter.

    At the end of the night I would be exhasted but almost always came away with contacts, knowledge and interesting leads for my work or career.

  • in reply to Iain

    I agree. You can ask simple questions, like did you come far, do you go to many of these, what was the best/worst bit, then pick something from the day, such as what did you think of the food, and maybe something random or topical like are you watching the football tonight. You don't need much and you can ask the same thing to each person, you don't have to think of new or witty things for each one.

    You do need to have answers for your own questions though if they ask it back to you.

    The main issue is just how to start. There is no easy way for this other than to just walk up and say hello. 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    You can do it, really. It's just practice.

    Limit yourself to 3 points or questions on any topic. Each point can only be a couple of sentences.

    Don't worry about being honest, and long as you are not rude or too blunt, e.g. if someone asks about the food don't say its revolting, say its not my favourite, or I'd rather have a burger.

    Pick something you can see to talk about. E.g. did you find the chairs comfy, what do think of the pattern on the curtains, the lights are a bit bright, the carpet is a bit worn out don't you think. You will likely point out something they have not noticed, then they will be interested.

    Remember, it is not that important what you say.

    Also consider that it is a 2-way process, so you can allow them room to speak. You don't have to fll every silence.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    If you know, which amount of information is right and how to talk superficial, then it’s good for you. I decided to avoid talking about aliens. And I have no idea what else I can talk about. I turn out to be too honest, go too much into details etc. I can’t assess correctly what is right and wrong. Which info I can dump, how much etc.

  • in reply to Nexus-7

    At a business related social function with drinks and some nibbles, is that actually still true these days?

    Do women need to do anything different when it comes to socialising or small talk?

    Is it just pressure you are putting yourself under. Are you're expectations really needed?

    I always expect myself to reach a higher standard than other people, I don't know why, but it is hard work. Just like I expect myself to put up with things I wouldn't expect anyone else to.  It seems to be a trait to undervalue yourself. I assume it is part of people-pleasing which I guess is related to masking.

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  • in reply to Nexus-7

    At a business related social function with drinks and some nibbles, is that actually still true these days?

    Do women need to do anything different when it comes to socialising or small talk?

    Is it just pressure you are putting yourself under. Are you're expectations really needed?

    I always expect myself to reach a higher standard than other people, I don't know why, but it is hard work. Just like I expect myself to put up with things I wouldn't expect anyone else to.  It seems to be a trait to undervalue yourself. I assume it is part of people-pleasing which I guess is related to masking.

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