Can a manager bring up pregnancy symptoms and grief from a miscarriage during a performance review?

I'd speak to the HR dept too, I'd also ask for your performance review in writing or at least email and keep it so as you have evidence should you need to take action in the future. I'd see an emplyment lawyer too.

While HR protect the company this is not necessarily the same as protecting the manager, who can and do make errors.

This is why I mentioned HR may be on Azq's side.

I have seen it happen a number of times. Managers over step the boundaries, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not.

Azq said:

What steps can I take to protect myself and ensure this doesn’t impact my career long-term?

with regard to the question in the post title, I suspect not.

However.  We cannot dispense legal advise to the advise would be to seek out some assistance (it would appear that you may have been wronged)

Also, bear in mind that you are in Ireland, whereas this is a UK based forum so the specifics of law may vary.  However, I am inclined to believe that on this point they are similar.  

Please, consult a solicitor, union or the citizens information service ( https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/ )

I am really sorry to hear you are faced with navigating such a personal and professional challenging situation.

I am not a Solicitor (not able to offer legal advice, ditto our rules here exclude it being offered).  However, in the interest of showing support, just as if I were to have been sat with a friend over coffee discussing similar circumstances: below are my thoughts on the matter.

As others have already signposted: becoming familiar with the appropriate information, establishing and securing written communication are both key.  They are the actions which may support your decision-making / choices, plus hopefully preserve your range of options if it were to prove necessary to lodge complaint with external employment bodies.

Unfortunately, this entails you needing to read mixed situation employment legislation materials (which can be upsetting, as guidance documents often inconsiderately combine guidance on two different timeframes of early baby loss circumstances and with the information about both full-term stillbirth and also maternity leave). 

With this point of understanding and support in mind, I would hope you might be able to work through reading such information with the companionship of a trusted relative or friend.  (If that is, unfortunately, not available to you; please see the comments at the end of my post - about potential sources of  relevant support in Ireland).

As your employment is in Ireland; you might find it helpful to consult some of the guidance published by the Workplace Relations Commission (WRC):

https://www.workplacerelations.ie/en/publications_forms/

Sometimes, in such situations it is also important to understand the timeline limitations (legislation) applicable to your specific location and circumstance (as this can impact what type of complaint and redress options may still be accessible or applicable).

In particular, it might be worth understanding that, as these matters were unpleasantly raised at a later timeframe, (retrospective to the actual events i e. in a performance review), it may be possible to use the date of the performance review as the "latest event" controlling time limitations.  Via the WRC it is also possible to request an extension due to a complex scenario as described in thus WRC webpage:

https://www.workplacerelations.ie/en/what_you_should_know/equal-status-and-employment-equality/employment%20equality%20and%20equal%20status/

If you have not attended a GP appointment recently (since the traumatic experience of attending the performance review), if I were in your place, I would be inclined to request an appointment with a GP to This article (March 2025) may help to provide broader context for where Ireland currently find's itself in this particular area of employment and the impact on a person's personal life (which reputable employers can reasonably help mitigate):

https://www.lewissilkin.com/insights/2025/03/27/pregnancy-loss-and-the-workplace-in-ireland

The above article also kindly highlights the following further potential sources of external support in Ireland:

"

• External support: Employees should be reminded of appropriate support, such as employee assistance programmes or counselling. Other external support, such as that provided by the Miscarriage Association of Ireland, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Ireland and other bereavement support services should also be passed on to employees if needed.

Report of the Department of Children, Equality, Disability, Integration and Youth in relation to Pregnancy Loss (under 24 weeks) in Workplaces  - report available here."

If you have not attended a GP / Midwife follow up appointment recently (since the unexpectedly awful experience of attending the performance review), if I were in your place, I would be inclined to request an appointment with a GP / Midwife - as they will be concerned with both your physical and emotional recovery and general health post-miscarriage.  Their experience may mean they have guidance / sources of support around how you can support your wellbeing at this extra stressful time.  It might also prove helpful to have their independent experience, as a matter if record, of how the current situation at work is impacting your recovery journey following your baby loss.

Within the below NHS Ireland guidance there are links to other support organisations too.  Yet again, they have chosen to combine the guidance in the same place as that also talking about trying for another baby (which following baby loss might not be what people are yet ready to read about while working through bereavement).  However, I have included the page as it also covers post-miscarriage physical and mental health and bereavement guidance / support, plus some return to work guidance and external support organisations too:

https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/miscarriage/recovery/#:~:text=They%20may%20ask%20you%20about,trying%20for%20a%20baby%20again.

Wishing you every good fortune in your recovery.

Azq said:

What steps can I take to protect myself and ensure this doesn’t impact my career long-term?

I don't think we are allowed to offer legal advice so I can only say what I would do in your situation:

1 - I would join a union as they have specialist advisors on employment law and can help with advice and support. I would also find a local employment lawyer and have their contact details to hand. It may be worth registering in case I need to give the company my lawyers details in the event of things going sideways.

2 - I would insist on any performance review notes to include the factors I discussed with my manager, however sensitive they are, as these would be important if it ever goes to a legal case.

3 - I would keep all communication relating to this written only. If my manager insisted on it being verbal then I would write the meeting points up and send it to them afterwards and ask them to confirm that this was what was discussed. I would insist on it so they would realise that I intend to get litigious on them if they mess up. If the manager starts to ask why then tell them you want to have everything recorded in case you need to escallate it - this should be a real wake up call for them.

4 - I would contact the human resources / people team and ask for their advice. It is worth noting that their job is to protect the company, not the employees so it would be for the "official line" approach only. I would never expect real help from them as their job would be to defend against me suing the company.

5 - most importanty I would realise that my manager now has me in their sights for dismissal and would start job hunting. I've been here several times before and been witness to many more - once the manager develops this "dislike" then they have a load of ways to make life unbearable for me which are very hard to protect against. It sucks but it is reality.

6 - I would keep copies of all correspondance in my personal email in case I get cut off from access to corporate email.

Sorry to bring this news but once you start to experience this discrimination then defending against it is incredibly difficult and even if you do win it marks you as a problem employee in the managements eyes.

If you don't already have a psychotherapist then I would heartily recommend engaging with one who has experience in helping autistic people. They will be the best support mechanism as they understand how your mind works in these situations as well as how your autism influences it.

So if you have any bandwidth then start learning that new skill to change career a bit, find a job that is a better fit / better conditions and use the therapy to make yourself more resilient and happier in future.

Good luck.

Have you discussed this with HR in your company? This would be my recommended first step. It would also do no harm to informally involve them in case it needs to go further or you need to file a grievance.

They are aware of the rules, may be on your side and can advise the manager.

That sounds really tough, and honestly, your manager’s approach is way off. You shouldn’t be penalized for health issues related to pregnancy or miscarriage, those are protected grounds. First, document everything: emails, conversations, performance reviews mentioning this stuff. Then, check if your company has an HR or employee relations team, bring this up with them confidentially. You might also want to look into your rights under Irish employment law or pregnancy discrimination protections. If you’re part of a union, definitely reach out for support. Most importantly, try to get any accommodations you need in writing and keep records. Protecting your health has to come first, but having solid evidence will help if you need to challenge unfair treatment later. Stay strong.