I'm a 44 year old autistic woman and I'm struggling more then ever at the moment. I'm so angry with myself that at my age I cannot hold a conversation. I have a job and went out for lunch the other day with 5 colleagues who I have met a few times, conversation was flowing between them and I just sat there with nothing to say. I could tell they thought I should be contributing and now I'm just angry at myself for being this way.
Sorry for the rant, I just can't cope.
I Experience the exact same issue my whole life. I kind of accepted that because there is nothing I can do about it. I’m unable to contribute to the conversation that is too fast, topic’s changing constantly, people gesticulating, laughing, talking one through another, it’s too much and I feel like it’s wasting my time. So I always look for opportunities to have a one-one conversation. My experience is that whenever I talk to someone or listen to someone I see the story that someone tells me like a movie in my head. So I obviously hold very little to no eye contact I don’t even look at their face because I’m concentrated on my inner movie. What I found out recently is that neurotypical people invite each other to chat through eye contact and this way they also understand, whose turn it is to say something. But if I sit there and don’t look at others like they do, I basically have no clue if and when it’s my turn to say something. And it’s also hard to prepare it in my head all the time. Prepare what to say, censor it, check if it’s appropriate to say, check if it’s not gonna offend anyone, if it fits the topic and when I’m done with my assessment of my carefully prepared sentence… the topic has changed and all this mental work is a waste.
Some colleagues at work gossip about me that I’m weird. Maybe if I didn’t know why I’m weird, I would only think that I’m inferior to others. I don’t have official diagnosis of autism, but these symptoms describe me and my experience very well. So now I as a self realised and also suspected by my therapist, I can say it’s easier for me to just find myself by simply understanding the WHY.
What you describe is exactly the same for me. Unfortunately I would keep going back for more in the past but now realise it would be better to keep it to a minimum. I get told I’m always 5 minutes behind on the topic of conversation, this is because I drift off trying to think of something to add. It’s exhausting.
That's exactly it. It's so exhausting to keep trying. As overwhelmed & underwhelmed mentions below accepting it would be best thing to do.
I'm new around here, so apologies for perhaps being overly keen and replying twice... but that's exactly what I think each time I face a social situation with work colleagues... "it will be different this time"... or "I learnt something from last time because of XYZ, so THAT won't happen again" - but of course it does - every single time. It's a tiring rollercoaster ride of emotions. Although I have one or two very dear friends who do understand me, I just don't seem able to make 'ordinary' friends / casual friends. I've spent a lifetime wanting to... but it just never seems to happen :( Again, I say that to let you know that you're not alone!
Thank you for all the support it has really helped over this past day. I think I got so upset as every time I enter a situation like that I always think to myself this time will be different and I might actually be able to converse and potentially make a friend. But it never changes. Does anyone else feel like that?
I want to say you're not alone... as that's absolutely me! I'm in my early 50s and have struggled all my life with holding group conversations with work colleagues outside of the workplace (in fact, any group conversation in any environment!). I struggle to keep up with the pace of conversation and feel like I have very little to add. I do try to contribute, but it takes a real effort and my mind races to try and find something to say... and by the time I have (which isn't guaranteed!) often the conversation has already moved on! So, inevitably I end up looking awkward and going quiet. I then feel really self conscious as I think the slightly quirky, happy and chatty person they know from around the workplace has become an alien. It is utterly exhausting. More than that, I then feel really embarrassed and disappointed in myself (again!) - I hear you!
Me too, people always seem to talk about things I have little interest in, so I have nothig to say and the tigs I would want to talk about other people don't seem interested in.
It is horrible feeling excluded through no fault of your own, but please don’t be angry with yourself. Your colleagues didn’t appear to have social awareness. If they had been polite, they would have considered that you weren’t participating and would have asked you an open question and given you time for a response.
I can identify with not being able to participate in conversations with more than one other person. It is a total mystery how people in groups can make conversation flow, people here, people there, answers, remarks and questions bouncing back without pause or interruption.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if we lived in the era of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice; much of the chit chat followed rules and conventions.
I can relate LS too, I’m in my 50s and have no chance when it comes to group social conversations. They are beyond me and try to either blend into the background or perhaps nod/laugh in the right place. I find it exhausting. I did beat myself up too until I discovered I am autistic, now try to minimise or avoid these things.
Hi I hope you feel better after venting. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t be angry with you for not being able to do this. I’m 21 and I have never successfully small talked with anybody! At school all the other girls used to chat and gossip about the latest music and fashion and I tried and just couldn’t do it.
I used to be angry with myself but now I just take it in my stride.
At work during meetings and after work dos I simply go mmm and yep, it’s a small way of interacting without really interacting. Shows an interest without all the hassle and stress of actually chatting.
I wish people would converse digitally, like on forums like this, I would be a lot better at it then!
Trust me you aren’t alone, don’t be too hard on yourself. I really hope you feel better now.
I'm very sorry to hear that you're struggling.
You might also find the strategies suggested in this NAS resource helpful:
NAS - Autistic fatigue and burnout
There's also some great (free) advice here from Megan Neff - a neurodivergent author (who's also a clinician and advocate):
Autistic Burnout Recovery: How to Build a Recovery Plan
I've also just received this new book of hers, which has just been published:
The Autistic Burnout Workbook: Your Guide to Your Personal Recovery Plan
