So Tired

I Experience the exact same issue my whole life. I kind of accepted that because there is nothing I can do about it. I’m unable to contribute to the conversation that is too fast, topic’s changing constantly, people gesticulating, laughing, talking one through another, it’s too much and I feel like it’s wasting my time. So I always look for opportunities to have a one-one conversation. My experience is that whenever I talk to someone or listen to someone I see the story that someone tells me like a movie in my head. So I obviously hold very little to no eye contact I don’t even look at their face because I’m concentrated on my inner movie. What I found out recently is that neurotypical people invite each other to chat through eye contact and this way they also understand, whose turn it is to say something. But if I sit there and don’t look at others like they do, I basically have no clue if and when it’s my turn to say something. And it’s also hard to prepare it in my head all the time. Prepare what to say, censor it, check if it’s appropriate to say, check if it’s not gonna offend anyone, if it fits the topic and when I’m done with my assessment of my carefully prepared sentence… the topic has changed and all this mental work is a waste. 
Some colleagues at work gossip about me that I’m weird. Maybe if I didn’t know why I’m weird, I would only think that I’m inferior to others. I don’t have official diagnosis of autism, but these symptoms describe me and my experience very well. So now I as a self realised and also suspected by my therapist, I can say it’s easier for me to just find myself by simply understanding the WHY. 

I Experience the exact same issue my whole life. I kind of accepted that because there is nothing I can do about it. I’m unable to contribute to the conversation that is too fast, topic’s changing constantly, people gesticulating, laughing, talking one through another, it’s too much and I feel like it’s wasting my time. So I always look for opportunities to have a one-one conversation. My experience is that whenever I talk to someone or listen to someone I see the story that someone tells me like a movie in my head. So I obviously hold very little to no eye contact I don’t even look at their face because I’m concentrated on my inner movie. What I found out recently is that neurotypical people invite each other to chat through eye contact and this way they also understand, whose turn it is to say something. But if I sit there and don’t look at others like they do, I basically have no clue if and when it’s my turn to say something. And it’s also hard to prepare it in my head all the time. Prepare what to say, censor it, check if it’s appropriate to say, check if it’s not gonna offend anyone, if it fits the topic and when I’m done with my assessment of my carefully prepared sentence… the topic has changed and all this mental work is a waste. 
Some colleagues at work gossip about me that I’m weird. Maybe if I didn’t know why I’m weird, I would only think that I’m inferior to others. I don’t have official diagnosis of autism, but these symptoms describe me and my experience very well. So now I as a self realised and also suspected by my therapist, I can say it’s easier for me to just find myself by simply understanding the WHY.