Does anyone have someone who fully understands and accepts them as autistic?

Sorry to hear this but I can also relate. I was diagnosed ten years ago, so they wouldn't accept it because I didn't fit their idea of what autism looked like. Now I'm told I'm jumping on the bandwagon - can't win! My parents only want the masked side of me, which is superficial, so I don't see them very often.

I think autistic people tend to get on best with other autistic people. That’s been my experience anyway. My eldest has an autism diagnosis - his girlfriend doesn’t have an autism diagnosis but she has many autistic traits and they have a great relationship. They have so much in common and are super considerate of each other’s. Myself and my husband are like this too - I’m the one with the diagnosis but he has many autistic traits and he really understands me.

Yes - my husband and children - my children (adults now) both have an autism diagnosis too - so that means we really understand each others autistic traits. And my husband - though not diagnosed - has a fair few autistic traits too. So there’s a lot of understanding in our family! However my parents totally didn’t understand me in general - let alone anything about being autistic. My father in particular was completely dismissive of the autistic diagnosis of myself and my children and was quite scathing about it. That wasn’t very nice to experience. 

It’s not your ‘fault’ - try not to blame yourself for the difficulties you are having about this. Feeling guilty won’t help you or your family - it’s wasted energy that will only make things harder for you and for them. I think it’s more helpful to practice acceptance and forgiveness - be kinder to yourself. I always remember a Maya Angelou quote: ‘you did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better - you did better’. You were doing the best you could in the past - and the past is gone. What matters is now and the choices you make in the present.

As autistic people we have every right to be ourselves. We shouldn’t have to mask and hide our true natures. Obviously I don’t know your situation and relationships with your family, but maybe you could have a heart to heart conversation with them about all these concerns you have? And be open with them about how you want to feel accepted and acknowledged for who you truly are, and not feel that you have to mask so much? 
I think often people really respond well to this kind of openess and really do want to be supported.

But either way - please don’t weigh yourself down by feeling guilty etc - being autistic can make life very hard and you shouldn’t blame yourself for that. 

Take5 said:

I posted about that very thing the Saturday before last, I ended up leaving the party before my family as I couldn’t cope any longer. I stayed too long and had a huge meltdown (in private)

My cPTSD always takes me back to childhood and being forced / forcing myself to endure groups of people at such occasions which inevitably ended in meltdowns - and of course nobody else there understood them or the reasons for them.  I was labelled as badly behaved or attention seeking - and my parents even extracted sympathy for it. 

It took me a long time to realise that social gatherings weren't for me, but It doesn't stop me feeling that I'm missing out either (which I am).  

Take5 said:

I stayed too long and had a huge meltdown (in private), procrastination followed for the following 3 days and lots of tears

So yes, I'm familiar with all of this excepting the 'in private' part.   The meltdowns for me were never private, even though the procrastination & the over-thinking always is.  

I've tried to explain to others since - even those who were there - but I'm wasting my time.  They hear the words but they aren't sinking in.  My advice to anyone else is not to put yourself through those agonies if you have options. 

I am lucky to have two people in my life that understand and accept me, my youngest son and a friend who is neurodivergent. Me and my boy just fit together and never have a cross word between us. My friend I met through being self employed and happened to be working the same job. I have never really felt uncomfortable around him and we are both very open and honest with each other. We don’t really socialise and sometimes we don’t talk for months but I feel very fortunate to know him. Sadly some of the people I think should understand me don’t and are not even prepared to try. 

Martin said:

For example, at loud, crowded family occasions when I feel sensory overwhelm kicking in and I say that I need to get out, I mean right now! Not in half an hour's time.

I posted about that very thing the Saturday before last, I ended up leaving the party before my family as I couldn’t cope any longer. I stayed too long and had a huge meltdown (in private), procrastination followed for the following 3 days and lots of tears. 

Martin are you able to leave these things when you need to or do you try to force yourself through it to please others around you? 

I think it's two different questions. Do people accept your autism diagnosis, and do they accept you just as a person.

For me many people don't accept my diagnosis, they think I'm playing the mental health card. They don't seem to have any idea how much work I'm putting in to being with people. I use endless excuses for avoiding social situations, and also the fact that despite many relationships I've never managed to live with anyone. When I spend a lot of time with people I start having a shut down so need to go off and be alone to recharge. People seem to have decided that I enjoy being a bachelor and that I just don't like socialising with them. That's the curse of being able to mask well, people don't believe you.

Generally I find that people don't accept me for who I really am, because I think the real me is very irritable, impatient and intense. The only way I can manage it is to see people in small chunks and mask appropriately, and then have alot of time on my own. I upset friends and family because I don't see them too much, but it's better that than to be bad company with them I think. My friends and family do sort of accept me but that doesn't mean they don't get upset with me for either being very inconsiderate or selfish. I can't blame them though as humans need emotional support and considerate behaviour, and if I'm not providing it then it's understandable.

What spell did Harry Potter use on the oil rig? Extracto petroleum!

I’m very lucky in the fact my partner is autistic. However, because not two autistic people are the same we still have trouble understanding each other which can be frustrating. However, even though we both have strong feelings about certain things that differ from the other person’s I think because we’re autistic we have more empathy and kindness for each other and don’t let those differences get to us.

Outside of my partner I don’t really have anyone who fully understands and accepts my autism. My family and friends both know I’m autistic and try to be understanding. However, if any of my autistic traits become too inconvenient it’s hard for them to not get frustrated at me as they think I’m over reacting. This can be very difficult and make me feel like a bad person.

With colleagues I have never disclosed my autism apart from with HR. I find it’s harder for me to connect with people at work and I’m quite reserved as I feel like I can’t let my true personality shine and I’ll be seen as weird. I think I come across weird despite this anyway as I stay too quiet. This makes me feel lonely.

I struggle a lot with loneliness which I’m sure you and many others here can relate to. It’s hard not having everyone in your life understand you and accept you. Just wanted to say I relate to you and you’re not alone in these feelings

No I don't think I do. I think there are people that think they fully understand and accept it but in reality they don't truly. For example, with social situations. They cannot understand and accept that a lot of that is too difficult for me, especially if it's out with a big group for drinks. They will personalise it and make me feel guilty for not coming which isn't understanding or accepting. I've had similar experiences with people disliking me doing things like fidgeting and disliking my need to understand why something has changed. I honestly think people that think they understand is worse than those that don't bother.

I can relate with crowed family occasions, there is a point when there is no return from the overwhelm.  As a child I often watched The Incredible Hulk, there would be a point when Dr Banner couldn’t stop the change in him.

Yes, myself. What others think is irrelevant.

My adult autistic daughter understands me. My wife and other family members accept that I am autistic, but do not seem to fully recognise that my autism can profoundly affect how I feel and behave. For example, at loud, crowded family occasions when I feel sensory overwhelm kicking in and I say that I need to get out, I mean right now! Not in half an hour's time.

I don't want to be dismissive or to break down your post into the blunt harsh realities of life as I see it in 2025, but I believe that as a general rule of thumb - people don't care to the level which you may be referring.

Nobody seems to have the time to learn anything they didn't already know, or that doesn't affect them personally either, and that's a huge part of the problem.  They want instant answers, often with no depth.

What's your issue Roy ?  You reply you have Autism, and would (perhaps) rather like to elaborate - but the willing to hear the elaboration doesn't exist.  And it isn't just you.  This is my experience, and I feel it may be the driver behind that of others.

Had you broken your leg, had an ingrowing toenail or an implant - well then, perhaps they'd compute.  A simple in or out procedure.  A fix.  But the technicalities of the human mind aren't up for debate for most people, especially if it isn't their minds they need to examine.

It isn't your fault.  Actually it probably isn't theirs - although they could do with being more open-minded.  That is excepting those who you might expect more from if you are related and such.  Masking doesn't make it your fault, because they SHOULD be able to listen about masking too, but they'll not listen to that either. 

Emmalephant said:

The best thing about our relationship is that we don’t try to understand each other without question but rather through lots of them.

That struck a good chord with me. 

Years ago, for some years, I had a dyslexic work colleague and friend.  I didn't try to second-guess what would support them best - I would ask and we would experiment with adjusting our engagement to match.

One time, during their MBA course; they were finding one required reading textbook to be an extra challenge.  I bought a used paperback copy of the same book for me to read too (and they bought a large quantity of different pastel-coloured post-it notes - ready to make a wall of bullet points notes and organising questions and ideas).

The combination of their creativity and my detail recall. was combined through the vehicle of that post-it wall construction (to re-boot their assignment preparation).

They did all the essay structure, critical thinking and actual content / further research / written work - I was just available (in support) as the human interface to the textbook, or like a live eBook-style navigation sounding board. 

Once the essence of the required material was absorbed, (and they were back on track with their assignment planning), we made the best homemade pizza and called the experiment successful.

Some months later, through their own learning, development and hard work, they were awarded their MBA with Distinction. 

I was so pleased for them - that they were able to boldly experiment with and then deploy - a raft of various techniques: to both harness the positives of their dyslexia and also to support their dyslexia needs / reasonable adjustments - as they achieved that accomplishment.

I have one singular person in my life with ADHD and mental health struggles. She is the one person that just gets it. She sat through meltdowns with me, left a bar with me when it became too much, when people make fun of me and I don’t get it, she explains to me and all of that she does without making me feel inferior or dumb. The best thing about our relationship is that we don’t try to understand each other without question but rather through lots of them.

Most of the time it’s difficult for me because I can’t be sure about being autistic since I wasn’t able to seek out any kind of assessment even though several friends and teachers suggested it throughout the years, so I usually don’t mention anything about my suspicion. But if I do (because I have to explain a meltdown or something to a friend) it’s usually met by acceptance. However, this acceptance only lasts until I actually display unpleasant traits, so I go back to hiding every little thing about myself.

I hear you on the guilt tripping yourself. Sorry you don’t feel like you’ve got anyone who really accepts you. Everyone deserves someone they can relax around.

As a child I used to have a small number of people who seemed to understand and accept me without question.  I didn't know so at the time, but with the benefit of education and hindsight; I strongly suspect they were the few older adults peppered amongst the wider family who were also Neurodivergent / Autistic.

These days, encounters in the real World with those style of people (non-relatives) are seldom.  I have out-of-state lived my neurodivergent relatives.

I do sometimes encounter such people during virtual video call meetings / courses / book club etc.  Currently, in person, not the case.

In my entire life (and I am speaking as a "late-ling"), among healthcare professionals; I think I have only ever encountered maybe ...3? such people - who simply accepted and dealt with me at "face value".  It is so much less like hard work and frustration when that actually happens - those folk are a true blessing.  Unfortunately, by the nature of their survivable role types, you are more likely to encounter them in a specialist Consultant, or an Accident and Emergency Doctor than at your GP Practice (which is where they would be super-appreciated).

Sometimes, in the workplace, they are to be found (Autistic invisible - fully masked - but in plain sight if you can work on a task together without an audience ...some good work is to be done that way - early morning / later evening).  It depends on the style and ethos of organisation / sector how likely that encounter might be.

I feel that we know we are a relatively small percentage enclave of society at large.  Therefore, since late identification and then formal diagnosis, I have been trying to work harder to make the extra effort to navigate / visit the spaces / environments / forums / courses to / events where it might be more likely to encounter one another. 

Yes, I have visited that museum many times before ... however, if I spot they are holding an Autism-friendly early open hour etc., I will make the effort to attend - just to enjoy the ambience and endorse the accessibility - and maybe you share a refreshingly to-the-point brief conversation with someone while you are there - or a another much younger soul arrives a little fractious and yet copies your adult Autism behaviour and relaxes a bit more in the space - no words exchanged - it can be the case. 

Last time I went to a museum Autism-friendly opening - I wore my noise reduction ear buds from the get go (travel onwards).  I arrived early outside the building to settle a little with a coffee following the bus journey.  Families were outside waiting excitedly for the door to open (tut, tut, unhelpfully late being opened for an Autism-friendly event ... accompanied by much smartphone / wristwatch time checking and a rising chorus of younger voices of frustration and mismatched expectations "But when?  I really is 9 am, Mummy!" etc.). 

I noticed a youngster waiting there then spotted my ear buds (the longish blank stare of "aha, target acquired!"), then they promptly flomped themselves down on the stone floor, to have a thorough rummage in their own backpack, they found their noise-cancelling headphones and donned them accordingly.  Stood behind them was the Dad - silently lip-reading / annunciating across to me "thank you" as he had spotted the scenario unfold. 

All I had actually done was to show up, be calmly stood there drinking the last of my coffee, passing no judgement on the younger coping mechanisms, being dressed and accessorised "my style" (sunhat, sunglasses, ear buds, relaxed cotton clothing, comfortable walking trainers, day rucksack, beverage in hand) - but as it seemed to have turned out - sufficient to silently be a suitable role model nonetheless. 

I guess, I was just doing what my older Autistic relatives, of yesteryear, used to do for me - no drama, just show me their way and be accepting of mine.

We are a community to be found out there in the real World too - we just need to remember to navigate towards one another - and to find a way with which we are comfortable to do so visibly (else, we risk masking Autistic-invisible ...even from each other sometimes).