I think my wife is autistic

boarderyogi said:

I don't know of the help that can be provided from outside to manage it all better between us and that's what I was asking advice about.

If you need help then marriage counselling would be my recommendation, but first you need to make sure you have clearly explained to your wife what you need, then listen to see if she is willing and/or able to provide it.

Should you go down this route then I strongly recommend finding a therapist who is skilled in dealing with autistic people - not because they can diagnose her but because they can understand her perspective better if she does appear to be autistic.

There is a risk of causing tremendous damage to the relationship if you don't get her buy in to this proces so I think it worth making sure you talk it over in detail before going to the next steps.

Since you consider she could be autistic, be very clear what you want/need and give her time to process this before you need an answer.

Maybe read up on it in your own time and look at ways that you could help to support your partner with the knowledge you gain. If you pick up on anything like the tidying etc, maybe use that opportunity to ask 'is there a particular way that you'd like me to help or organise things around the house?'. It's opening up a dialogue in order for her to specify her needs or preferences. 

You could perhaps use areas that you struggle with as an icebreaker and see how she responds. People can become defensive if feeling criticised, especially if this is only being mentioned after so many years together. 

Your concern is coming from a good place but getting a diagnosis is only beneficial if everyone is engaged in mutual support and understanding, if she's happy as she is then it's not something that can be forced. 

exactly.

Thank you, I'm going to have a talk with my wife over the next week or so (once I've worked out what to say without upsetting her), I'll mention the book that might help. 

I believe people have a right to post questions like this, if everyone just hid away and didn't ask, how will people ever learn and find out answers? You shouldn't have to delete it.

Unbelievable what one person has put on this thread, that's why I wanted to delete it, I don't want to give individuals like that the opportunity to respond with horrible accusations .

If you do get to the stage where she wants to look into neurodivergence, there's a book called '22 Things a Woman with Asperger Syndrome wants her partner to know' that could be useful to you both. My husband read it and said it helped him understand the things I couldn't explain. We both agree autism is a reason for behaviours, but not an excuse. 

Thanks for replying. It's a tough one for sure and I'm really thinking hard about how I'm going to approach this but I really feel like the time is now, I don't want us to build up resentment for each other, we both need to work on it, at the moment I feel I'm the one making the effort, as, like I said, she's pretty oblivious to her behaviours and how they affect others. We have a 17 year old son who's starting to pick up on some of her behaviours and is finding them hard to deal with.

Thanks again.

Thank you very much for your message. You've helped a lot with what you written, really appreciate it.

I'll do the things you said, I think you've given some great advice there which gives me hope as I really feel worn out emotionally at the moment.

I'm going to try to find a couples counsellor who has experience of working with neurodiverse couples.

When I said "into me" I meant she never seem overly fussed that I was that great a person. For years I couldn't understand it as I knew she loved me, now I think I understand why it's been and felt like that, and she's still here lol!

Thanks again for your help.

I can relate to some of the ways you describe your wife. The question for you is, does she need to know? If you're realising she could be neurodivergent then maybe it will help you understand her behaviour, which may benefit you?  Whether it will benefit her will probably depend on whether she's noticed it herself. For me, I always felt like I didn't fit in with society but couldn't understand why, so a diagnosis really helped with that. Maybe you could subtly bring it up - can't think of any suggestions, subtlety is not my strong point - but if there's a way it could be slowly brought into conversation, she may start to see it for herself. Like someone else said, there are various tests you can do online if she did want to look into a diagnosis down the line.

boarderyogi said:

Trying to delete the post but can't find the option. Don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable

Hi Boarderyogi and welcome to the forum. I don't feel that you should delete your post - there may be other people who think their partner is on the spectrum who come here for guidance and they might be helped by this thread.

You say you used to get angry and bemused because she could never really "get into" you - I'm sorry, but as an autistic woman myself I do not really understand this term. I've been with my partner for over 40 years and I'd describe us as "being on the same wavelength" or usually understanding each other's thoughts and feelings when we discuss them. Is that what you mean? 

Perhaps you are expecting your wife to pick up on what you are feeling without you having to tell her. That isn't the way it works in relationships where there are autistic people - and to be honest from the rates of divorce I'm not sure that non autistic people always automatically pick up on and understand each other's feelings and needs either.

Basically, what I'm saying is you need to talk with her. You need to explain that you are not happy but that you love her very much and want to make her happy too. You can suggest that you've noticed some things in her that you think might be autistic traits, and explain that if she is on the spectrum you want to understand how that impacts on her so you can relate to each other better. 

If she is open to the idea she might be on the spectrum, she can take a free online test called the AQ50 - it is a test created by an autism expert and used widely in assessment, and will give an idea of whether she is autistic. It will then be up to her what to do next.

If you wish to find out more about autism in adults, there is a section titled "what is autism?" In the advice and guidance part of this website which may help you understand her more, which may then help you to better communicate your needs to her. If she is interested in learning more, there is a book which I found useful called "Am I autistic?" by Lydia Andal. You could also both consider couples counselling .

I wish you both well.

yeah, you are right about others just seeing one perspective on this, thanks again.

If your wife is tested, what difference do you feel it would make to your lives? If she tested negative how would you feel then? How would it be if she was diagnosed? What are your expectations of what a diagnosis would mean? Nothing would change that much to be honest I was diagnosed at the age of 50 and there's very little support of help for older people.

Instead of working on what problems your wife has, why not focus on you and what your needs are? You obviously knew some fo the things about your wife before you married, did she look you in the eye before you married or did it start during the ceremony? Did you think she'd change, or "get better"?  Have you raised her behavour with her before? If not why not and if you have how did that converation go?

I've got to be honest and say that I'm uncomfortable when a partner comes on here and says they think their spouse is ASC, I know the vast majority ask from a place of love, but there are others a small minority who don't, so you will probably not get the answers or help you're seeking. It is also why I've asked you questions about yourself, not because I believe you to be one of the minority who comes from a place of control instead of love, but because you need to have answers to these questions for you not for her or anyone else.

thanks, I read that link I got from google and it was very good and gave me hope.

Well, there's lots of books. Google "autistic neurotypical relationships book".

I think here you are most likely to get advice from her perspective as we are mostly autistic here.

I've got a life to live too and it's getting more and more difficult as I get older and time is running out, I've supported her and loved her for 20 years and I'm worn out but I don't intend on giving up as I love her but I have emotional needs that seem to need nurturing more the older I get which I can't ignore. I don't know of the help that can be provided from outside to manage it all better between us and that's what I was asking advice about.

Well, there's no need to get her checked out and tested if you want this to change anything about her. You won't be able to change her, or cure her. A diagnosis will only help support her. (Which is great for her!) If she's not interested in this path, then you can still learn how her mind works a bit more and try to help make life less difficult at home, because the rest of the world puts us in a constant anxious state. She's very likely struggling day to day, and you are her best hope of support and acceptance.