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I think my wife is autistic

boarderyogi

Hi all,

I need a bit of guidance.

I've been married to my wife for 17 years, been together 21 years. I'm 50 and she's 47, I  love her dearly but it's been extremely tough emotionally. 

From early on I was baffled by some of her traits and behaviours but she's such a pure person and never judged me so I fell in love with her and I still love her and we've got 2 beautiful children but I'm finding our relationship hard to deal with as we get older.

I used to get angry and bemused as to why she could never really get into me as I gave her everything but as we've got older it's all becoming clearer in my mind.

I believe she has some level of neurodivergence, I now believe she isn't rude, she can't help it and is oblivious to herself acting that way.

Just to give some examples so that you guys may be able to advise:

She finds it extremely difficult to look me in the eyes, at the altar on our wedding day I was saying my vows looking at her but she couldn't hold the gaze and just kept turning away.

She struggles with picking up social queues, if there's a serious situation she can't grasp that her behaviour has to change somewhat and will make jokes.

When someone is talking to her she'll constantly yawn and keep looking away or focus on something else.

She's become increasingly obsessed with tidiness as she's getting older.

She can't pick up on changes in behaviour of me or our kids so misses situations where she needs to be more emotionally involved.

That's just a few but there's more over the years.

How do I approach the idea of her getting checked out and tested? Like I say, she's oblivious to her behaviours.

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers

Parents
  • boarderyogi said:
    Trying to delete the post but can't find the option. Don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable

    Hi Boarderyogi and welcome to the forum. I don't feel that you should delete your post - there may be other people who think their partner is on the spectrum who come here for guidance and they might be helped by this thread.

    You say you used to get angry and bemused because she could never really "get into" you - I'm sorry, but as an autistic woman myself I do not really understand this term. I've been with my partner for over 40 years and I'd describe us as "being on the same wavelength" or usually understanding each other's thoughts and feelings when we discuss them. Is that what you mean? 

    Perhaps you are expecting your wife to pick up on what you are feeling without you having to tell her. That isn't the way it works in relationships where there are autistic people - and to be honest from the rates of divorce I'm not sure that non autistic people always automatically pick up on and understand each other's feelings and needs either.

    Basically, what I'm saying is you need to talk with her. You need to explain that you are not happy but that you love her very much and want to make her happy too. You can suggest that you've noticed some things in her that you think might be autistic traits, and explain that if she is on the spectrum you want to understand how that impacts on her so you can relate to each other better. 

    If she is open to the idea she might be on the spectrum, she can take a free online test called the AQ50 - it is a test created by an autism expert and used widely in assessment, and will give an idea of whether she is autistic. It will then be up to her what to do next.

    If you wish to find out more about autism in adults, there is a section titled "what is autism?" In the advice and guidance part of this website which may help you understand her more, which may then help you to better communicate your needs to her. If she is interested in learning more, there is a book which I found useful called "Am I autistic?" by Lydia Andal. You could also both consider couples counselling .

    I wish you both well.

  • in reply to Lotus

    Unbelievable what one person has put on this thread, that's why I wanted to delete it, I don't want to give individuals like that the opportunity to respond with horrible accusations .

  • in reply to boarderyogi

    I believe people have a right to post questions like this, if everyone just hid away and didn't ask, how will people ever learn and find out answers? You shouldn't have to delete it.

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