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I think my wife is autistic

boarderyogi

Hi all,

I need a bit of guidance.

I've been married to my wife for 17 years, been together 21 years. I'm 50 and she's 47, I  love her dearly but it's been extremely tough emotionally. 

From early on I was baffled by some of her traits and behaviours but she's such a pure person and never judged me so I fell in love with her and I still love her and we've got 2 beautiful children but I'm finding our relationship hard to deal with as we get older.

I used to get angry and bemused as to why she could never really get into me as I gave her everything but as we've got older it's all becoming clearer in my mind.

I believe she has some level of neurodivergence, I now believe she isn't rude, she can't help it and is oblivious to herself acting that way.

Just to give some examples so that you guys may be able to advise:

She finds it extremely difficult to look me in the eyes, at the altar on our wedding day I was saying my vows looking at her but she couldn't hold the gaze and just kept turning away.

She struggles with picking up social queues, if there's a serious situation she can't grasp that her behaviour has to change somewhat and will make jokes.

When someone is talking to her she'll constantly yawn and keep looking away or focus on something else.

She's become increasingly obsessed with tidiness as she's getting older.

She can't pick up on changes in behaviour of me or our kids so misses situations where she needs to be more emotionally involved.

That's just a few but there's more over the years.

How do I approach the idea of her getting checked out and tested? Like I say, she's oblivious to her behaviours.

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers

Parents

  • Maybe read up on it in your own time and look at ways that you could help to support your partner with the knowledge you gain. If you pick up on anything like the tidying etc, maybe use that opportunity to ask 'is there a particular way that you'd like me to help or organise things around the house?'. It's opening up a dialogue in order for her to specify her needs or preferences. 

    You could perhaps use areas that you struggle with as an icebreaker and see how she responds. People can become defensive if feeling criticised, especially if this is only being mentioned after so many years together. 

    Your concern is coming from a good place but getting a diagnosis is only beneficial if everyone is engaged in mutual support and understanding, if she's happy as she is then it's not something that can be forced. 

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  • Maybe read up on it in your own time and look at ways that you could help to support your partner with the knowledge you gain. If you pick up on anything like the tidying etc, maybe use that opportunity to ask 'is there a particular way that you'd like me to help or organise things around the house?'. It's opening up a dialogue in order for her to specify her needs or preferences. 

    You could perhaps use areas that you struggle with as an icebreaker and see how she responds. People can become defensive if feeling criticised, especially if this is only being mentioned after so many years together. 

    Your concern is coming from a good place but getting a diagnosis is only beneficial if everyone is engaged in mutual support and understanding, if she's happy as she is then it's not something that can be forced. 

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