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I think my wife is autistic

boarderyogi

Hi all,

I need a bit of guidance.

I've been married to my wife for 17 years, been together 21 years. I'm 50 and she's 47, I  love her dearly but it's been extremely tough emotionally. 

From early on I was baffled by some of her traits and behaviours but she's such a pure person and never judged me so I fell in love with her and I still love her and we've got 2 beautiful children but I'm finding our relationship hard to deal with as we get older.

I used to get angry and bemused as to why she could never really get into me as I gave her everything but as we've got older it's all becoming clearer in my mind.

I believe she has some level of neurodivergence, I now believe she isn't rude, she can't help it and is oblivious to herself acting that way.

Just to give some examples so that you guys may be able to advise:

She finds it extremely difficult to look me in the eyes, at the altar on our wedding day I was saying my vows looking at her but she couldn't hold the gaze and just kept turning away.

She struggles with picking up social queues, if there's a serious situation she can't grasp that her behaviour has to change somewhat and will make jokes.

When someone is talking to her she'll constantly yawn and keep looking away or focus on something else.

She's become increasingly obsessed with tidiness as she's getting older.

She can't pick up on changes in behaviour of me or our kids so misses situations where she needs to be more emotionally involved.

That's just a few but there's more over the years.

How do I approach the idea of her getting checked out and tested? Like I say, she's oblivious to her behaviours.

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers

Parents

  • Well, there's no need to get her checked out and tested if you want this to change anything about her. You won't be able to change her, or cure her. A diagnosis will only help support her. (Which is great for her!) If she's not interested in this path, then you can still learn how her mind works a bit more and try to help make life less difficult at home, because the rest of the world puts us in a constant anxious state. She's very likely struggling day to day, and you are her best hope of support and acceptance.

Reply

  • Well, there's no need to get her checked out and tested if you want this to change anything about her. You won't be able to change her, or cure her. A diagnosis will only help support her. (Which is great for her!) If she's not interested in this path, then you can still learn how her mind works a bit more and try to help make life less difficult at home, because the rest of the world puts us in a constant anxious state. She's very likely struggling day to day, and you are her best hope of support and acceptance.

Children
  • in reply to SpikeyMark

    I've got a life to live too and it's getting more and more difficult as I get older and time is running out, I've supported her and loved her for 20 years and I'm worn out but I don't intend on giving up as I love her but I have emotional needs that seem to need nurturing more the older I get which I can't ignore. I don't know of the help that can be provided from outside to manage it all better between us and that's what I was asking advice about.