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I think my wife is autistic

boarderyogi

Hi all,

I need a bit of guidance.

I've been married to my wife for 17 years, been together 21 years. I'm 50 and she's 47, I  love her dearly but it's been extremely tough emotionally. 

From early on I was baffled by some of her traits and behaviours but she's such a pure person and never judged me so I fell in love with her and I still love her and we've got 2 beautiful children but I'm finding our relationship hard to deal with as we get older.

I used to get angry and bemused as to why she could never really get into me as I gave her everything but as we've got older it's all becoming clearer in my mind.

I believe she has some level of neurodivergence, I now believe she isn't rude, she can't help it and is oblivious to herself acting that way.

Just to give some examples so that you guys may be able to advise:

She finds it extremely difficult to look me in the eyes, at the altar on our wedding day I was saying my vows looking at her but she couldn't hold the gaze and just kept turning away.

She struggles with picking up social queues, if there's a serious situation she can't grasp that her behaviour has to change somewhat and will make jokes.

When someone is talking to her she'll constantly yawn and keep looking away or focus on something else.

She's become increasingly obsessed with tidiness as she's getting older.

She can't pick up on changes in behaviour of me or our kids so misses situations where she needs to be more emotionally involved.

That's just a few but there's more over the years.

How do I approach the idea of her getting checked out and tested? Like I say, she's oblivious to her behaviours.

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers

Parents

  • If your wife is tested, what difference do you feel it would make to your lives? If she tested negative how would you feel then? How would it be if she was diagnosed? What are your expectations of what a diagnosis would mean? Nothing would change that much to be honest I was diagnosed at the age of 50 and there's very little support of help for older people.

    Instead of working on what problems your wife has, why not focus on you and what your needs are? You obviously knew some fo the things about your wife before you married, did she look you in the eye before you married or did it start during the ceremony? Did you think she'd change, or "get better"?  Have you raised her behavour with her before? If not why not and if you have how did that converation go?

    I've got to be honest and say that I'm uncomfortable when a partner comes on here and says they think their spouse is ASC, I know the vast majority ask from a place of love, but there are others a small minority who don't, so you will probably not get the answers or help you're seeking. It is also why I've asked you questions about yourself, not because I believe you to be one of the minority who comes from a place of control instead of love, but because you need to have answers to these questions for you not for her or anyone else.

Reply

  • If your wife is tested, what difference do you feel it would make to your lives? If she tested negative how would you feel then? How would it be if she was diagnosed? What are your expectations of what a diagnosis would mean? Nothing would change that much to be honest I was diagnosed at the age of 50 and there's very little support of help for older people.

    Instead of working on what problems your wife has, why not focus on you and what your needs are? You obviously knew some fo the things about your wife before you married, did she look you in the eye before you married or did it start during the ceremony? Did you think she'd change, or "get better"?  Have you raised her behavour with her before? If not why not and if you have how did that converation go?

    I've got to be honest and say that I'm uncomfortable when a partner comes on here and says they think their spouse is ASC, I know the vast majority ask from a place of love, but there are others a small minority who don't, so you will probably not get the answers or help you're seeking. It is also why I've asked you questions about yourself, not because I believe you to be one of the minority who comes from a place of control instead of love, but because you need to have answers to these questions for you not for her or anyone else.

Children
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