Partner of an autistic person

I am autistic and married to an allistic (non-autistic) woman and have two neurodivergent adult children. However, I am a 'people pleaser' and score considerably higher for overall empathy than the neurotypical average, I score lower in cognitive empathy, however. I sometimes need the emotional state of others explained to me, often with overt suggestions as to what I can do to help or comfort them. Other times I feel empathy so strongly that I freeze, not knowing what to do. Again, overt suggestions about what I can do to help, allow me to be effectively emotionally available from the point of view of the other person.

As an example, a close female friend had a rather distressing report from her son's school, about his getting upset very easily. I cannot often recognise when hugging someone is appropriate, but when my friend said, 'I could do with a hug', I was happy to comply.

Also, Rosie, could you clarify which point the issue is about? 

Many thanks.

I'm sorry, Rosie. I was trying to make the point that we were all frustrated by a lack of understanding, and rigorous debate may start the ball rolling.

We would like to remind you of our rule 4 of our Online Community: 

Rule 4: No harmful or offensive content. Do not post or link to anything that is: graphic or obscene, defamatory or libellous, impersonating someone else, infringing copyright. 

So talk....

It's not like neurodiverse people don't know their differences. Have you not heard the phrase "different, never less"? I choose to be single because I can be a colossal pain in the backside. But your problem isn't finding people to converse over associated circumstances. In my humble opinion, anyhow.

If your partner doesn't have an official diagnosis, he doesn't think he is neurodiverse; he believes he is neurotypical. So, by extension, the difficulties you are trying to overcome do not exist. Indeed, in my experience and with anybody I have discussed, the journey of getting a diagnosis is a battle but something worthwhile. 

Have you considered that your partner thinks a formal diagnosis is a sign of weakness? If he learns about the positives of being neurodivergent, he may be open to taking the first steps.

I'm happy to discuss matters with you, as I am sure many people here would be. It would be hugely beneficial to have an alternative perspective to understand the dynamics; we all may learn a thing or two. Such as, the use of the term Asperger's wasn't stopped to benefit the Autistic Community; it was a cynical marketing decision. Call it what you like. 

And if nothing else, this is a forum on a NAS website; an organisation started to further the cause of the autistic community. Its highly unlikely you will get people discussing [content removed by Moderator due to breaches of the online community rules and guidelines] Which if you ask me is a shame. 

After all, nobody is a mind reader. 

Thank you, but what I’m looking for is to find real people I can connect with. To hear (or read) another person saying “Yes, I hear you and I feel you” and I can’t seem to find that anywhere.

I’m part of the carers network in my area but everyones circumstances are so different. As this website is advertised as a place for family members and carers as well I was hoping I might have more luck here. 

Have you considered that you are on the wrong website? Would you not be better off seeking support on a website orientated towards carers of neurodiverse individuals? Or something thing like this: 

https://adult-autism.health.harvard.edu/resources/caregiver-guidance/

Or this

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care/social-care-england-carers/support-available-for-carers

Or this

https://islingtoncarershub.org/support-for-carers-of-high-functioning-autistic-adults/

It might not be in your area, but you could enquire for similar resources locally. 

Just a thought...

Thanks all for responding.

It’s ok, I’m not really looking for solutions as I know all I can do is control my own reactions to things. It would just be comforting to hear from other neurotypical people who also have a neurodiverse partner and can understand and sympathise with some of the challenges this dynamic brings. 

What's his response when you tell him what your needs are and what would count as success? How about relationship counselling is this something you've considered? You can go alone if he won't come with you.

What are the ASC traits you feel he is displaying and could there be a different explaination?

I know I'm asking lots of questions here and not offering much in the way of help, but it feels very difficult to make any suggestions without knowing more. I can say that I hear and understand what you're saying and that you're not alone.

Good afternoon, 

While this is just my opinion, if I were in your partner's position, I'd suggest giving him an ultimatum. Outline what you consider a mutually beneficial relationship and present it to him. Then take some time apart as agreed. Upon return, ask if he can commit to this framework. Consider allowing a few vetoes or addendums for both of you. Neurodiverse individuals face challenges in a world designed for neurotypical people, but adapting is crucial for growth. Having an affliction does not mean others lose their self-worth.