Deep Shame

thank you for your message, I am glad to hear that you don't feel shame and nice to know this is a possibility! I will try hard not to. it is a work in progress. I will keep all your comments in mind, thank you for all your support I am grateful 

Hi, I too have very similar characteristics as you describe - Great Honesty, literal interpretation and plenty of misunderstanding about!!

However, what I certainly don't feel is any shame. As 'Overwhelmed' said, don't worry about everyone else and just be yourself - It really is true that those that accept you are the worthwhile ones in your life.

As Iain said - Don't blame yourself for how your brain has developed. After all, there are lots and lots of people like us!!

I have good friends and they accept me as me - essentially - "Odd" ... They know my strengths and weaknesses.

Please don't feel shame 

I too felt intense shame at times but eventually came to realise that it largely came from measuring myself against other people's expectations. Now that I'm finally coming to terms with diagnosis I find myself feeling less shame and less anxiety. I've stopped trying to conform to other people's ideas of who they think I should be.

The other thing I found is that as I get older (I'm now 56) masking is just too bloody exhausting. I can work for many hours per day if it's just me doing stuff on my own but anything that involves contact with other people very quickly tires me out. Three hours per day is about as much as I can manage but if I try and work around this, armed with the knowledge of these limitations, then it can work OK.

thank you for your message and sharing. 

yes it is true what you say that it is not my fault. I will try hard to remember that. 

I have recently started therapy - I realised I had not done much therapy post autism diagnosis as I got covid not long later and then proceeded to get very seriously physically ill as a result. over 2.5 years later now my health is only just about improved enough to engage in therapy again. so it makes sense realising this now why I am still struggling so much with shame around being autistic. 

I am so sorry it took you until your 60s to get diagnosed but also really glad that you did get diagnosed! Congrats! 

I am working with a therapist now as I realised I didn't do much therapy after my autism diagnosis. I got covid shortly after and then proceeded to get very physically ill as a result. it has now been 2.5 years later and my health is only somewhat improved enough to engage in therapy now. so will work on this in therapy. 

thank you for sharing with me

Thanks for your message. I guess I do not feel that being neurotypical is the only way to behave - but I feel other people who are neurotypical can feel this way. I know I have lots of strengths because of being autistic but I guess for me with the numerous life events that have recently occurred, it has massively retriggered old ways of thinking and feeling to the surface. Before these past few horrendous months happened, I was much more comfortable with my differences and being my most authentic autistic self. but the past few months have sent me backwards a lot and now I just feel profound shame. I made a mistake by not listening to my intuition for the first time in my life and the consequences have been immense. 

thank you for sharing your message

Thank you for your reply. Yes I have got and read that book. 

I was diagnosed with autism and then was briefly in therapy before I got covid and then became severely physically ill. My health is only now somewhat more stable to be able to engage in therapy now 2.5 years later. So I have recently started therapy again and your comment made me realise that I never really processed my autism diagnosis and the impact of that because I got so sick with covid. So thank you for reminding me of this. Unfortunately my GP is not helpful or supportive at all. But I am grateful for my therapist. 

After diagnosis, it can be common for us to experience a lot of negative emotions, including backward-focused shame, anger, frustration, grieving, and more. So, whilst it's a deeply unpleasant experience, please remember that you're not alone in experiencing this - and that it will eventually pass. 

You might find it helpful to read the NAS's "after diagnosis" guidance, including:

NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis

NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis including:

• Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
• Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
• Formal support following an autism diagnosis
• What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

And also: NAS - Seeking help with mental health

Assessment reports often recommend that a GP follows up with a referral to therapy or counselling. Given how you're feeling - not just in respect of your autism diagnosis - I'd strongly suggest talking to your GP to see what support they can offer.

I was diagnosed in 2023 and only recently finished a course of NHS counselling that I found very helpful. As the counsellor's follow-up letter confirms, their goal had been: "to help process how your experiences and your diagnosis of Autism has impacted you".

Before arranging any therapy or counselling, you might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful, including me:

The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

I may be wrong because I'm not any sort of medical professional, but at least some of what you say sounds like internalised ableism. Ableism is seeing non-disabled or neurotypical persons as being the only "normal" or "acceptable" way to behave.

Internalising it means you see your conditions as deficits or defects and nothing else. There are ways to change the way you think, like:

Accept you have limitations, but despite them you can still achieve a lot. Mine include: I have somewhere safe to live, am not in debt (apart from a mortgage), I cook nice meals etc.

Get to know your own limits and work with them. I avoid my regular pub when I'm too tired to do small talk with the bartender, I tell my mum if I can't deal with meeting her outdoors with all the noise.

Don't blame yourself for having limits, we all do. I need to limit my exposure to stress to avoid bipolar episodes. Social interactions are hard work and sometimes I mess up because I'm autistic.

Readjust your expectations to make sure they're realistic. I'll never be able to "network" in person at work, but I can send a friendly message thanking a new attendee after a meeting. That's a big achievement for me.

Focus on the positives, and accept you'll always make some mistakes. I made a major error after someone told me their cat was being put down. I said "bet that's a relief!". They'd spent days complaining about expensive vets' bills, it was a very old cat and they said it would only get worse and it was upsetting... it wasn't "a relief" that it was going to die though! I upset them and feel bad about it. But I'll know better next time. Mistakes happen and no point dwelling on them.

Dunno if any of that help, or if it's just irritating waffle. Hope you learn to feel better about yourself either way.

I am in my 60s, and my Autism diagnosis, which was just two months ago, gave me hope that I wasn’t innately bad and that the causes of the intense shame I felt over my past and present could be challenged. The causes of my shame were largely to do with how I perceived I behaved, yet most things were due to Autism. I have had many sessions of CBT and other forms of psychotherapy over the years, and returned to it last year because my depression and anxiety were worsening. The therapist recognised that I had autistic traits and we discussed pursuing a formal diagnosis. I am going back over old CBT worksheets on self esteem and can now challenge much of the negativity. It will probably be a lifelong endeavour, but that is ok and I have hope for the first time in my life. My diagnosis was a life saver and it was important for me to receive a formal diagnosis because I wouldn’t have trusted my judgement to self diagnose. I find it helpful to read over the assessment notes. I don’t feel shame over being autistic itself but occasionally I feel regret over being different. I think the relief over responsibility of ‘bad’ behaviour is so huge that it cancels out what other people think of me. I know it is easy to say, but but being autistic and having your unique natural traits is not your fault. Dealing with non autistic people can be too difficult and Intense shame is a dreadful affliction. I empathise with you but shame can diminish. I can’t give you any advice but it is good that you have put into words some of your feelings. I really hope you feel better soon.

AutismRox said:

How do people cope with immense shame? 

mostly by coming to terms with it not being your fault. At least not from a decision you made.

If it stems from how your brain is wired then it is no better than saying it if the fault of a person who has no legs that they cannot run.

From the way you write I think you probably need to get a professional to give you counselling and therapy so a psychotherapist with skills in dealing with autism and your literal approach would seem best.

Is this within your financial ability to do?

I don't think there is much scope for the NHS to give such specialised help but a more generalised approach may be available if you ask your GP about what is available.

AutismRox said:

I don't know how to not feel so ashamed of my differences when other people are not necessarily always accepting of how I am.

I approach this by realising that the way other people are is beyond my ability to change so I can either accept it or feel victimised by it. One gives good results and one doesn't.

Treating them as forces beyone my control is like treating them like the weather - sometimes it rains and if you accept this and carry an umbrella then you will be dry or you can not accept it and get soggy and feel victimised by the rain.

That is how I do it anyway,