I hope this is okay to post.
I am struggling immensely with shame. I always have, I was late diagnosed with autism aged 27, turning 28. I am now 30 years old. My diagnosis saved my life on a very very literal level and I will forever be grateful for that.
I have been going through a lot of big traumatic events the past few months and have been struggling a lot. The biggest thing that has come from everything falling apart in my life the past few months is profound shame. I have never felt such deep shame in my whole life which is saying something given I am so used to feeling so much shame of my existence.
In relation to autism, I am ashamed of my autistic brain. I am ashamed of my inability to lie and how I tell the truth 24/7 and no matter how many times I try not to, I am unable to. I am ashamed of my severely delayed auditory processing which means I never am understanding what people are saying in the moment and cannot give informed consent as a result. I am ashamed of how I take things literally which can cause misunderstandings. I am ashamed of not understanding and knowing what I am meant to say to who, how much to share and when and in what context. I am ashamed of being socially awkward. I am ashamed of myself on so many levels not just to do with autism. I was told by my doctor that I am vulnerable and it used to really offend me as I never thought of myself as vulnerable. But I do feel this way now. I do feel that because of my autism, I do see now why I can be vulnerable. It's not a nice feeling. There are positives to being on the spectrum I feel but right now I just feel deeply ashamed.
I don't know how to not feel so ashamed of my differences when other people are not necessarily always accepting of how I am. I feel I wouldn't be in the position I am in today if I wasn't autistic. I feel I have accepted how my brain works but it is so difficult when we live in a world where other people do not.
How do people cope with immense shame?