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Deep Shame

AutismRox

I hope this is okay to post. 

I am struggling immensely with shame. I always have, I was late diagnosed with autism aged 27, turning 28. I am now 30 years old. My diagnosis saved my life on a very very literal level and I will forever be grateful for that. 

I have been going through a lot of big traumatic events the past few months and have been struggling a lot. The biggest thing that has come from everything falling apart in my life the past few months is profound shame. I have never felt such deep shame in my whole life which is saying something given I am so used to feeling so much shame of my existence. 

In relation to autism, I am ashamed of my autistic brain. I am ashamed of my inability to lie and how I tell the truth 24/7 and no matter how many times I try not to, I am unable to. I am ashamed of my severely delayed auditory processing which means I never am understanding what people are saying in the moment and cannot give informed consent as a result. I am ashamed of how I take things literally which can cause misunderstandings. I am ashamed of not understanding and knowing what I am meant to say to who, how much to share and when and in what context. I am ashamed of being socially awkward. I am ashamed of myself on so many levels not just to do with autism. I was told by my doctor that I am vulnerable and it used to really offend me as I never thought of myself as vulnerable. But I do feel this way now. I do feel that because of my autism, I do see now why I can be vulnerable. It's not a nice feeling. There are positives to being on the spectrum I feel but right now I just feel deeply ashamed. 

I don't know how to not feel so ashamed of my differences when other people are not necessarily always accepting of how I am. I feel I wouldn't be in the position I am in today if I wasn't autistic. I feel I have accepted how my brain works but it is so difficult when we live in a world where other people do not. 

How do people cope with immense shame? 

Parents

  • After diagnosis, it can be common for us to experience a lot of negative emotions, including backward-focused shame, anger, frustration, grieving, and more. So, whilst it's a deeply unpleasant experience, please remember that you're not alone in experiencing this - and that it will eventually pass. 

    You might find it helpful to read the NAS's "after diagnosis" guidance, including:

    NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis

    NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis including:

    • Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
    • Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
    • Formal support following an autism diagnosis
    • What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

    And also: NAS - Seeking help with mental health

    Assessment reports often recommend that a GP follows up with a referral to therapy or counselling. Given how you're feeling - not just in respect of your autism diagnosis - I'd strongly suggest talking to your GP to see what support they can offer.

    I was diagnosed in 2023 and only recently finished a course of NHS counselling that I found very helpful. As the counsellor's follow-up letter confirms, their goal had been: "to help process how your experiences and your diagnosis of Autism has impacted you".

    Before arranging any therapy or counselling, you might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful, including me:

    The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you for your reply. Yes I have got and read that book. 

    I was diagnosed with autism and then was briefly in therapy before I got covid and then became severely physically ill. My health is only now somewhat more stable to be able to engage in therapy now 2.5 years later. So I have recently started therapy again and your comment made me realise that I never really processed my autism diagnosis and the impact of that because I got so sick with covid. So thank you for reminding me of this. Unfortunately my GP is not helpful or supportive at all. But I am grateful for my therapist. 

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  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you for your reply. Yes I have got and read that book. 

    I was diagnosed with autism and then was briefly in therapy before I got covid and then became severely physically ill. My health is only now somewhat more stable to be able to engage in therapy now 2.5 years later. So I have recently started therapy again and your comment made me realise that I never really processed my autism diagnosis and the impact of that because I got so sick with covid. So thank you for reminding me of this. Unfortunately my GP is not helpful or supportive at all. But I am grateful for my therapist. 

Children
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