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Deep Shame

AutismRox

I hope this is okay to post. 

I am struggling immensely with shame. I always have, I was late diagnosed with autism aged 27, turning 28. I am now 30 years old. My diagnosis saved my life on a very very literal level and I will forever be grateful for that. 

I have been going through a lot of big traumatic events the past few months and have been struggling a lot. The biggest thing that has come from everything falling apart in my life the past few months is profound shame. I have never felt such deep shame in my whole life which is saying something given I am so used to feeling so much shame of my existence. 

In relation to autism, I am ashamed of my autistic brain. I am ashamed of my inability to lie and how I tell the truth 24/7 and no matter how many times I try not to, I am unable to. I am ashamed of my severely delayed auditory processing which means I never am understanding what people are saying in the moment and cannot give informed consent as a result. I am ashamed of how I take things literally which can cause misunderstandings. I am ashamed of not understanding and knowing what I am meant to say to who, how much to share and when and in what context. I am ashamed of being socially awkward. I am ashamed of myself on so many levels not just to do with autism. I was told by my doctor that I am vulnerable and it used to really offend me as I never thought of myself as vulnerable. But I do feel this way now. I do feel that because of my autism, I do see now why I can be vulnerable. It's not a nice feeling. There are positives to being on the spectrum I feel but right now I just feel deeply ashamed. 

I don't know how to not feel so ashamed of my differences when other people are not necessarily always accepting of how I am. I feel I wouldn't be in the position I am in today if I wasn't autistic. I feel I have accepted how my brain works but it is so difficult when we live in a world where other people do not. 

How do people cope with immense shame? 

Parents
  • AutismRox said:
    How do people cope with immense shame? 

    mostly by coming to terms with it not being your fault. At least not from a decision you made.

    If it stems from how your brain is wired then it is no better than saying it if the fault of a person who has no legs that they cannot run.

    From the way you write I think you probably need to get a professional to give you counselling and therapy so a psychotherapist with skills in dealing with autism and your literal approach would seem best.

    Is this within your financial ability to do?

    I don't think there is much scope for the NHS to give such specialised help but a more generalised approach may be available if you ask your GP about what is available.

    AutismRox said:
    I don't know how to not feel so ashamed of my differences when other people are not necessarily always accepting of how I am.

    I approach this by realising that the way other people are is beyond my ability to change so I can either accept it or feel victimised by it. One gives good results and one doesn't.

    Treating them as forces beyone my control is like treating them like the weather - sometimes it rains and if you accept this and carry an umbrella then you will be dry or you can not accept it and get soggy and feel victimised by the rain.

    That is how I do it anyway,

  • in reply to Iain

    thank you for your message and sharing. 

    yes it is true what you say that it is not my fault. I will try hard to remember that. 

    I have recently started therapy - I realised I had not done much therapy post autism diagnosis as I got covid not long later and then proceeded to get very seriously physically ill as a result. over 2.5 years later now my health is only just about improved enough to engage in therapy again. so it makes sense realising this now why I am still struggling so much with shame around being autistic. 

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    thank you for your message and sharing. 

    yes it is true what you say that it is not my fault. I will try hard to remember that. 

    I have recently started therapy - I realised I had not done much therapy post autism diagnosis as I got covid not long later and then proceeded to get very seriously physically ill as a result. over 2.5 years later now my health is only just about improved enough to engage in therapy again. so it makes sense realising this now why I am still struggling so much with shame around being autistic. 

Children
  • in reply to AutismRox

    I too felt intense shame at times but eventually came to realise that it largely came from measuring myself against other people's expectations. Now that I'm finally coming to terms with diagnosis I find myself feeling less shame and less anxiety. I've stopped trying to conform to other people's ideas of who they think I should be.

    The other thing I found is that as I get older (I'm now 56) masking is just too bloody exhausting. I can work for many hours per day if it's just me doing stuff on my own but anything that involves contact with other people very quickly tires me out. Three hours per day is about as much as I can manage but if I try and work around this, armed with the knowledge of these limitations, then it can work OK.