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Deep Shame

AutismRox

I hope this is okay to post. 

I am struggling immensely with shame. I always have, I was late diagnosed with autism aged 27, turning 28. I am now 30 years old. My diagnosis saved my life on a very very literal level and I will forever be grateful for that. 

I have been going through a lot of big traumatic events the past few months and have been struggling a lot. The biggest thing that has come from everything falling apart in my life the past few months is profound shame. I have never felt such deep shame in my whole life which is saying something given I am so used to feeling so much shame of my existence. 

In relation to autism, I am ashamed of my autistic brain. I am ashamed of my inability to lie and how I tell the truth 24/7 and no matter how many times I try not to, I am unable to. I am ashamed of my severely delayed auditory processing which means I never am understanding what people are saying in the moment and cannot give informed consent as a result. I am ashamed of how I take things literally which can cause misunderstandings. I am ashamed of not understanding and knowing what I am meant to say to who, how much to share and when and in what context. I am ashamed of being socially awkward. I am ashamed of myself on so many levels not just to do with autism. I was told by my doctor that I am vulnerable and it used to really offend me as I never thought of myself as vulnerable. But I do feel this way now. I do feel that because of my autism, I do see now why I can be vulnerable. It's not a nice feeling. There are positives to being on the spectrum I feel but right now I just feel deeply ashamed. 

I don't know how to not feel so ashamed of my differences when other people are not necessarily always accepting of how I am. I feel I wouldn't be in the position I am in today if I wasn't autistic. I feel I have accepted how my brain works but it is so difficult when we live in a world where other people do not. 

How do people cope with immense shame? 

Parents

  • I may be wrong because I'm not any sort of medical professional, but at least some of what you say sounds like internalised ableism. Ableism is seeing non-disabled or neurotypical persons as being the only "normal" or "acceptable" way to behave.

    Internalising it means you see your conditions as deficits or defects and nothing else. There are ways to change the way you think, like:

    Accept you have limitations, but despite them you can still achieve a lot. Mine include: I have somewhere safe to live, am not in debt (apart from a mortgage), I cook nice meals etc.

    Get to know your own limits and work with them. I avoid my regular pub when I'm too tired to do small talk with the bartender, I tell my mum if I can't deal with meeting her outdoors with all the noise.

    Don't blame yourself for having limits, we all do. I need to limit my exposure to stress to avoid bipolar episodes. Social interactions are hard work and sometimes I mess up because I'm autistic.

    Readjust your expectations to make sure they're realistic. I'll never be able to "network" in person at work, but I can send a friendly message thanking a new attendee after a meeting. That's a big achievement for me.

    Focus on the positives, and accept you'll always make some mistakes. I made a major error after someone told me their cat was being put down. I said "bet that's a relief!". They'd spent days complaining about expensive vets' bills, it was a very old cat and they said it would only get worse and it was upsetting... it wasn't "a relief" that it was going to die though! I upset them and feel bad about it. But I'll know better next time. Mistakes happen and no point dwelling on them.

    Dunno if any of that help, or if it's just irritating waffle. Hope you learn to feel better about yourself either way.

Reply

  • I may be wrong because I'm not any sort of medical professional, but at least some of what you say sounds like internalised ableism. Ableism is seeing non-disabled or neurotypical persons as being the only "normal" or "acceptable" way to behave.

    Internalising it means you see your conditions as deficits or defects and nothing else. There are ways to change the way you think, like:

    Accept you have limitations, but despite them you can still achieve a lot. Mine include: I have somewhere safe to live, am not in debt (apart from a mortgage), I cook nice meals etc.

    Get to know your own limits and work with them. I avoid my regular pub when I'm too tired to do small talk with the bartender, I tell my mum if I can't deal with meeting her outdoors with all the noise.

    Don't blame yourself for having limits, we all do. I need to limit my exposure to stress to avoid bipolar episodes. Social interactions are hard work and sometimes I mess up because I'm autistic.

    Readjust your expectations to make sure they're realistic. I'll never be able to "network" in person at work, but I can send a friendly message thanking a new attendee after a meeting. That's a big achievement for me.

    Focus on the positives, and accept you'll always make some mistakes. I made a major error after someone told me their cat was being put down. I said "bet that's a relief!". They'd spent days complaining about expensive vets' bills, it was a very old cat and they said it would only get worse and it was upsetting... it wasn't "a relief" that it was going to die though! I upset them and feel bad about it. But I'll know better next time. Mistakes happen and no point dwelling on them.

    Dunno if any of that help, or if it's just irritating waffle. Hope you learn to feel better about yourself either way.

Children
  • in reply to Tears_before_bedtime

    Thanks for your message. I guess I do not feel that being neurotypical is the only way to behave - but I feel other people who are neurotypical can feel this way. I know I have lots of strengths because of being autistic but I guess for me with the numerous life events that have recently occurred, it has massively retriggered old ways of thinking and feeling to the surface. Before these past few horrendous months happened, I was much more comfortable with my differences and being my most authentic autistic self. but the past few months have sent me backwards a lot and now I just feel profound shame. I made a mistake by not listening to my intuition for the first time in my life and the consequences have been immense. 

    thank you for sharing your message