• Replies 11 replies
  • Subscribers 86 subscribers
  • Views 757 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Deep Shame

AutismRox

I hope this is okay to post. 

I am struggling immensely with shame. I always have, I was late diagnosed with autism aged 27, turning 28. I am now 30 years old. My diagnosis saved my life on a very very literal level and I will forever be grateful for that. 

I have been going through a lot of big traumatic events the past few months and have been struggling a lot. The biggest thing that has come from everything falling apart in my life the past few months is profound shame. I have never felt such deep shame in my whole life which is saying something given I am so used to feeling so much shame of my existence. 

In relation to autism, I am ashamed of my autistic brain. I am ashamed of my inability to lie and how I tell the truth 24/7 and no matter how many times I try not to, I am unable to. I am ashamed of my severely delayed auditory processing which means I never am understanding what people are saying in the moment and cannot give informed consent as a result. I am ashamed of how I take things literally which can cause misunderstandings. I am ashamed of not understanding and knowing what I am meant to say to who, how much to share and when and in what context. I am ashamed of being socially awkward. I am ashamed of myself on so many levels not just to do with autism. I was told by my doctor that I am vulnerable and it used to really offend me as I never thought of myself as vulnerable. But I do feel this way now. I do feel that because of my autism, I do see now why I can be vulnerable. It's not a nice feeling. There are positives to being on the spectrum I feel but right now I just feel deeply ashamed. 

I don't know how to not feel so ashamed of my differences when other people are not necessarily always accepting of how I am. I feel I wouldn't be in the position I am in today if I wasn't autistic. I feel I have accepted how my brain works but it is so difficult when we live in a world where other people do not. 

How do people cope with immense shame? 

Parents

  • I am in my 60s, and my Autism diagnosis, which was just two months ago, gave me hope that I wasn’t innately bad and that the causes of the intense shame I felt over my past and present could be challenged. The causes of my shame were largely to do with how I perceived I behaved, yet most things were due to Autism. I have had many sessions of CBT and other forms of psychotherapy over the years, and returned to it last year because my depression and anxiety were worsening. The therapist recognised that I had autistic traits and we discussed pursuing a formal diagnosis. I am going back over old CBT worksheets on self esteem and can now challenge much of the negativity. It will probably be a lifelong endeavour, but that is ok and I have hope for the first time in my life. My diagnosis was a life saver and it was important for me to receive a formal diagnosis because I wouldn’t have trusted my judgement to self diagnose. I find it helpful to read over the assessment notes. I don’t feel shame over being autistic itself but occasionally I feel regret over being different. I think the relief over responsibility of ‘bad’ behaviour is so huge that it cancels out what other people think of me. I know it is easy to say, but but being autistic and having your unique natural traits is not your fault. Dealing with non autistic people can be too difficult and Intense shame is a dreadful affliction. I empathise with you but shame can diminish. I can’t give you any advice but it is good that you have put into words some of your feelings. I really hope you feel better soon.

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    I am so sorry it took you until your 60s to get diagnosed but also really glad that you did get diagnosed! Congrats! 

    I am working with a therapist now as I realised I didn't do much therapy after my autism diagnosis. I got covid shortly after and then proceeded to get very physically ill as a result. it has now been 2.5 years later and my health is only somewhat improved enough to engage in therapy now. so will work on this in therapy. 

    thank you for sharing with me

Reply
  • in reply to ArchaeC

    I am so sorry it took you until your 60s to get diagnosed but also really glad that you did get diagnosed! Congrats! 

    I am working with a therapist now as I realised I didn't do much therapy after my autism diagnosis. I got covid shortly after and then proceeded to get very physically ill as a result. it has now been 2.5 years later and my health is only somewhat improved enough to engage in therapy now. so will work on this in therapy. 

    thank you for sharing with me

Children
No Data