Really struggling with life at the moment but I’m to scared to die

Rach I’m sorry to hear that things have been very tough for you. Just wanted to let you know that me and I’m sure many others are thinking of you. I also just wanted to let you know that because you have given me some support on here when I have been n a dark place and I have enjoyed reading your posts also.

please take care of yourself 

Its very sad to hear you got that low last night, but now you need to look at what happened.

You got that low, very close to doing something terrible, but you realised you didn't want to. Now you need to consider that as the final decision on the matter. Each time it enters your head just say "we've been here and I already decided I'm not doing it, so I'm not going to waste time thinking it may be the answer". Might not be easy at first, but eventually you'll start to think about it less.

It sounds to me like a very strong case of RSD, you have such a strong feeling for your friend that the slightest chance of losing them becomes too much to cope with. They have also become a massively strong focus to you, so these feelings will take over everything you do, say or think.

This is one of the hardest things to overcome, but you can do it. Please believe me when I say this , I have been there, I will be there again, it's something I struggle with so much that it lead to me seaking help, which lead to diagnosis a year ago. I genuinely wouldn't be here if I hadn't.

It sounds like your friend is someone who cares greatly about you, but finds it too intense at times. Even with all that they see you as being special  and important enough for them to want to stay in your life. Try and think of the reason they're having a little break from talking as their time to recharge, I know you'll convince yourself otherwise, but they WILL come back and WILL still be there.

Rach91 said:

I just wish I could talk to him I know how to override a block on WhatsApp after hours of searching but I won’t do that unless it’s life or death.

Would it not be better to talk about, vent and process what your going through with one or more others who are not involved, so that you are not so wound up and your friend not overburdened when contact is restablished.

One problem you could deal with for instance it seems, is to make sure that wherever you perform, that there is a 'chill-out' tent or such like, or if as used to be the case when I was a festival trader, there was a trailer, bus or tent with seating, heating and refreshments for traders and performers ~ until everyone was 'safely' on their way?

Thanks for your support my friend has gotten the wrong end of the stick and I can’t explain to him or correct him as I’m blocked. I made a noose last night tried finding arrangements for my dog but I couldn’t go through with it. I want to live as I’m a fire performer I want to go out to work and I know my friend is still my friend he just wants some space. I just wish I could talk to him I know how to override a block on WhatsApp after hours of searching but I won’t do that unless it’s life or death. But i appreciate everyone’s comments. 

I'm sorry that you are struggling. I just wanted to respond, not with any advice but just to let you know that people are listening and find this all too familiar at one time or another with our lives.

You will get through this.

Hello Rach91,

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.   

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.  

If it’s outside your GP hours call  111 to reach the NHS 111 service:  

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/  

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.  

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.   

If you feel you need more urgent help, our website lists some options you could consider https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help 

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.  

You can find more information here:  

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

All the best,

Karin Mod

Sorry to hear it's got this bad, 

You're dog, your friend, the people on here, there's 3 reasons not to give up.

Most of what anyone can and will say is going to sound repetitive, but I'm going to say it anyway...

From reading your posts on here, it's obvious you are a really nice and thoughtful person, otherwise you wouldn't care about the impact you have on others. It sounds like this worry about those type of things is what's sending you down a spiral of stress and anxiety too.

This current anxiety is only temporary, you will find a way through this, all we can do is listen and try to provide advice, hopefully that will help. Just know that we all care too, I'm sure there's many people that do care ,  but I know it's hard to see that when you're feeling this way.

Take it one day at a time, try to rest and look after yourself, don't see everything as a failure, they're just bumps in the road, you can find a way through this.

It's funny,I learnt to play most of highway to hell over Xmas, as a bit of a distraction from how I end up feeling this time of year. I like the fact it's describing life as something that might not always be good but is worth fighting through and finding the positives, as we only get one shot.

There are some very good people on here with compassionate/helpful words.

Mine are inadequate as they are simply 'thinking of you'.

Here are some flowers.

I can add nothing but to echo the previous posters.

Your Dog NEEDS YOU!!!

These feelings will pass eventually. Hang in there.

I'm not sure what to say except I hope you find a way to carry on despite your suicidal feelings.

If it helps: I've been there and did make an attempt, which was obviously unsuccessful. I'm glad now that it was because my life got a lot better afterwards. I have also had the experience of someone close to me nearly dying of suicide too and seeing the impact it had was heartbreaking. Not only his desperation that I couldn't help with (he has severe mental health problems and was suffering intense paranoid delusions) but also when I had to phone his Dad from the hospital and then one of his friends and their reactions. Luckily I got him to hospital in time and he is managing much better now. So, things can and do improve in my personal experience.

I'm glad you have your dog as an anchor and something to carry on for. 

I did look up the bit of this site that has crisis links and definitely consider reaching out.

https://www.autism.org.uk/contact-us/urgent-help

If you feel like it is coming to a crisis point and you might make an attempt I urge you to go to A&E. They have duty psychiatrists who can talk to you about things and offer immediate help. Please stay safe.