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Really struggling with life at the moment but I’m to scared to die

Rach91

I am really struggling with my life my mental health has plummeted and I’m really struggling. I’m not eating or sleeping I keep messing things up with my friend we arguing all the time and things are going from bad to worse. Can’t get any work with the agency I’m working for and during one of my autism groups I walked out and had a staff member chase after me luckily she never caught up with me. I keep wanting to end things I’ve picked out what funeral I want and the songs power of love Frankie goes to Hollywood, before you go by Lewis capaldi and Highway to Hell by AC/DC. But I can’t do I’m to scared I keep thinking what would happen to my dog and what if I’m not found in time she would die from starvation and just because I’m suffering why should she suffer she just a sweet innocent old dog. I don’t want to lose my friend I want to go out to work and I want to live but my life is so hard I can’t go on I’m tired and fed up and I feel like what the point. I want to be with my mum at peace and all my suffering would end but I physically cannot kill myself I’m a coward to much of a coward to live to much of one to die. I pray that my suffering will end and for god to take it away but it continues and only gets worse. 

Parents

  • Thanks for your support my friend has gotten the wrong end of the stick and I can’t explain to him or correct him as I’m blocked. I made a noose last night tried finding arrangements for my dog but I couldn’t go through with it. I want to live as I’m a fire performer I want to go out to work and I know my friend is still my friend he just wants some space. I just wish I could talk to him I know how to override a block on WhatsApp after hours of searching but I won’t do that unless it’s life or death. But i appreciate everyone’s comments. 

  • in reply to Rach91

    Its very sad to hear you got that low last night, but now you need to look at what happened.

    You got that low, very close to doing something terrible, but you realised you didn't want to. Now you need to consider that as the final decision on the matter. Each time it enters your head just say "we've been here and I already decided I'm not doing it, so I'm not going to waste time thinking it may be the answer". Might not be easy at first, but eventually you'll start to think about it less.

    It sounds to me like a very strong case of RSD, you have such a strong feeling for your friend that the slightest chance of losing them becomes too much to cope with. They have also become a massively strong focus to you, so these feelings will take over everything you do, say or think.

    This is one of the hardest things to overcome, but you can do it. Please believe me when I say this , I have been there, I will be there again, it's something I struggle with so much that it lead to me seaking help, which lead to diagnosis a year ago. I genuinely wouldn't be here if I hadn't.

    It sounds like your friend is someone who cares greatly about you, but finds it too intense at times. Even with all that they see you as being special  and important enough for them to want to stay in your life. Try and think of the reason they're having a little break from talking as their time to recharge, I know you'll convince yourself otherwise, but they WILL come back and WILL still be there.

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  • in reply to Rach91

    Its very sad to hear you got that low last night, but now you need to look at what happened.

    You got that low, very close to doing something terrible, but you realised you didn't want to. Now you need to consider that as the final decision on the matter. Each time it enters your head just say "we've been here and I already decided I'm not doing it, so I'm not going to waste time thinking it may be the answer". Might not be easy at first, but eventually you'll start to think about it less.

    It sounds to me like a very strong case of RSD, you have such a strong feeling for your friend that the slightest chance of losing them becomes too much to cope with. They have also become a massively strong focus to you, so these feelings will take over everything you do, say or think.

    This is one of the hardest things to overcome, but you can do it. Please believe me when I say this , I have been there, I will be there again, it's something I struggle with so much that it lead to me seaking help, which lead to diagnosis a year ago. I genuinely wouldn't be here if I hadn't.

    It sounds like your friend is someone who cares greatly about you, but finds it too intense at times. Even with all that they see you as being special  and important enough for them to want to stay in your life. Try and think of the reason they're having a little break from talking as their time to recharge, I know you'll convince yourself otherwise, but they WILL come back and WILL still be there.

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