Formality

I'm often told I look miserable, but I just have resting "lady dog" face.

Oh my goodness! I thought I was the only one who spoke formally! I have recently received my autism assessment diagnosis report with feedback and that is how it describes me. I thought I was just being polite due to my parents being sticklers for good manners! I would love to be able to make friends easily, but I don’t know how I can change my speech and I don’t think I want to change either. If non autistic people realised we are not all brilliant geniuses with a mind boggling ability or children with severe cognitive impairment, and that the autistic spectrum can embrace many threads, with nobody exactly the same, I think we would have a much better chance of being accepted and liked as we are. 

In my teens and twenties I was often asked what was wrong or why am I depressed because me internal emotional state was rarely reflected on my face. I’m better at it now but it’s still an issue

I really wish I could do playful smalltalk with strangers but I feel as if I’m breaking all the rules or invading their personal space.

There are people at work who could crack cheeky jokes in a roomful of strangers. I really envy that.

I’m same. I hear often that I’m in a bad mood. I can’t imagine myself doing playful smalltalk with someone who I don’t know well. Others people do it often. 

I’m sorry you had to endure that.  Even as a native speaker… German is not fun and most people use really sloppy grammar because they don’t know any better. Nobody is able to make any sense of those grammar rules.

Me too! I think I’d struggle with Sie vs du as well.

Just taken me back over 35 years to O-grade German at high school in Scotland

I’m also struggling with that in many contexts. I recently got to find out that a former classmate of mine was convinced I didn’t like her… She is one of the few I’ve always respected and liked very much. So… yeah. 
But it’s even more difficult in a more professional context. For instance, I avoided using personal pronouns when talking to my elementary school teachers. In German we differentiate two forms of “you”. The formal form being “Sie” and the informal one “du”. The problem is that in my elementary school many teachers were quite relaxed concerning those pronouns so most people said “du”. But I felt like this was wrong because the general rule is using “Sie” when addressing a teacher and nobody ever said something about this matter officially. It was so weird for me so I successfully avoided this insecurity by just calling them by their names when asking something (e.g. “Excuse me Mrs Miller, I’ve got a question. What does that mean?”)

It got a lot easier later on because then it was clear that you had to use “Sie”. However, there are still multiple occasion when things like that occur and everybody but me seems to intuitively know, what to do and say. 

I don't set out to make friends that often. Genuinely, it doesn't on the whole bother me if I have a large circle of friends. That said, the formality thing has affected me hugely in life. When I was doing my Master's degree I wrote to my lecturers in a formal tone. I was basically saying that I was too busy to attend a last minute meeting. Said lecturer, despite being head of an English course, didn't understand why my email was written in a formal tone! Instead they interpreted my literal and formal tone as being rude. 

This was something I brought up as an example during the diagnosis appoint. 

When working in the arts, I used to wear a suit to every interview - because that's what every employment and recruitment advisor had always told me to do. It wasn't for like four years until someone told me that 'suits make you inapproachable in the arts'. I was floored. In an interview - literally an incredibly formal setting - I'm not meant to wear a suit?! My brain still hurts and gets stressed thinking about what to wear in an interview for a job in the arts. Like if there are no rules to follow, how I am I meant to know what they are expecting?!

Sorry, sidetrack I know - suffice to say I like people being formal. I like the structure and guidance that formality provides. It makes things easier.

Deleted User said:

I’m being incredibly careful not to overstep any boundaries or make any assumptions.

It takes a lot of practice to find this to be automatic.

When I started the part of my career when I was providing deskside support in the big trading banks I had to get over that weirdness phase and script / mask a way to seem normal in order to avoid making some of the people think I was either a weirdo or mocking them.

Many, many years of doing this gave me ample practice with it and I eventually became a specialist in defusing angry customers, helping people who were freaking out about crashed systems and guiding clueless execs into avoiding decisions that would cause widespread unhappiness if implemented.

The point is - so long as you are able and willing, keep going up against the thing that you want to learn to do and don't back down. Where you meet with failure then disect the situation, work out what went wrong and formulate a strategy for the next time.

I have a habit of facing down what scares me which is probably why I did that approach rather than try to hide in the shadows in IT.

If you have a very low energy reserve then this approach may not work for you.

I prefer a more formal approach until I start to know someone a bit better. I don't want to hug someone I just met, I also don't really want to shake their hand. I'd prefer that we all bowed, like the Japanese, but it's not our culture so I just smile and be polite and hope they respond the same way.

I think people often want to move into familiarity to quickly, I prefer a handshake to a hug on the first few meetings, unless I feel an immediate bond with someone. Not all cultures are the same the French and the Indians are more formal with people they don't know, the Indians I've met, some now family, are formal the first few times they meet you then once they find they like you, welcome you with open arms and are some of the warmest people I've ever come across.

Maybe asking open questions about others, whilst not saying so much about yourself would be easier? People are almost always more willing to talk about themselves than about random stuf that can be contravercial.