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Formality

Deleted User

I realised only relatively recently that I interact rather formally with people I don’t know well.

As I’ve said on here before, I need time to build a mental model of other people before I can be comfortable interacting with them. In the meantime I must come across as very stiff, because I’m being incredibly careful not to overstep any boundaries or make any assumptions.

But this must be one of the things that hampers my efforts to make friends. How can other people be comfortable around someone who is stiff and formal? Nevermind flirting!

Do any of you do this?

Parents

  • I don't set out to make friends that often. Genuinely, it doesn't on the whole bother me if I have a large circle of friends. That said, the formality thing has affected me hugely in life. When I was doing my Master's degree I wrote to my lecturers in a formal tone. I was basically saying that I was too busy to attend a last minute meeting. Said lecturer, despite being head of an English course, didn't understand why my email was written in a formal tone! Instead they interpreted my literal and formal tone as being rude. 

    This was something I brought up as an example during the diagnosis appoint. 

    When working in the arts, I used to wear a suit to every interview - because that's what every employment and recruitment advisor had always told me to do. It wasn't for like four years until someone told me that 'suits make you inapproachable in the arts'. I was floored. In an interview - literally an incredibly formal setting - I'm not meant to wear a suit?! My brain still hurts and gets stressed thinking about what to wear in an interview for a job in the arts. Like if there are no rules to follow, how I am I meant to know what they are expecting?!

    Sorry, sidetrack I know - suffice to say I like people being formal. I like the structure and guidance that formality provides. It makes things easier.

Reply

  • I don't set out to make friends that often. Genuinely, it doesn't on the whole bother me if I have a large circle of friends. That said, the formality thing has affected me hugely in life. When I was doing my Master's degree I wrote to my lecturers in a formal tone. I was basically saying that I was too busy to attend a last minute meeting. Said lecturer, despite being head of an English course, didn't understand why my email was written in a formal tone! Instead they interpreted my literal and formal tone as being rude. 

    This was something I brought up as an example during the diagnosis appoint. 

    When working in the arts, I used to wear a suit to every interview - because that's what every employment and recruitment advisor had always told me to do. It wasn't for like four years until someone told me that 'suits make you inapproachable in the arts'. I was floored. In an interview - literally an incredibly formal setting - I'm not meant to wear a suit?! My brain still hurts and gets stressed thinking about what to wear in an interview for a job in the arts. Like if there are no rules to follow, how I am I meant to know what they are expecting?!

    Sorry, sidetrack I know - suffice to say I like people being formal. I like the structure and guidance that formality provides. It makes things easier.

Children
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